Friday, May 28, 2010

Brown Publishing's Papers: The May 21 Recap

By which we parse that parrot cage lining people call "Dan's Papers" (but is really Brown Publishing's Papers, or Jimmy Finkelstein's News Communications Papers) for all its subtext and stupidity. Mostly stupidity.

This week Dan got lost in the Metropolitan Museum. He wandered around the hallowed halls of the museum trying to the remember the name of an artist a gracious girl had gone out of her way to give him.

Well, really, he creepily slithered up to her and made a subtly racist pass.

"You look like a hot little Oriental, tell me. What's your favorite painting in this here museum? I mean besides the artwork and weaponry of the heathen Chinee?" he asked. She rolled her eyes and told him. Then he asked her where it was. She told him. Then he asked what floor. She told him. Then he asked what room. She told him. Then he asked the dimensions of the room. She told him. Then he asked the cieling height. She told him. Then he asked where in the room it hung. She told him. Then he asked how to get there. She shot him.

Turns out, after much searching while he held in the blood of his bullet wound (he seriously went back downstairs to find her and asked her to write it down, and then went back upstairs) he stood in front of the all-too ellusive painting. His reaction? Meh.

He decided to stalk through the museum, find the girl once again, and actually tell her how underwhelmed he was by it. And the angels in heaven cried out: "Run, you poor volunteer at the Met, run like the wind!" And she did, because he couldn't find her. But he'd be back. Oh, he'd be back to tell her what he thought. And when he does, you can rest assured of her reaction. "Huh?" She'll say. Then she'll shoot him.

But back in Bridgehampton all sorts of things were going on not in the Hamptons. Barbara Walters was recovering from surgery, Alec Baldwin was boring swaths of graduates at NYU, Gwyneth Paltrow was consulting a raging drug addict about happy marriages, another novel came out about the Hamptons and shockingly it covers the wealth of the area, and Dan's due to read from his Meh-moir as soon as they find him wandering out from behind the Temple of Dendur.

He kept trying to reach his son's cell phone, but David Lion had his devil horn fingers pumping in the air and was too busy rocking it out to hair bands in Montauk. "What!" he yelled to his friend beside him. "My bone is singing?! Oh, hell yeah! Woo!"

For David Lion it was all the calm before the storm. Before the droves came like locusts and descended upon the Hamptons. It was a time to reflect. Get a few things done. Like empty out the bay with a hand pump. He was devising a new strategy to deal with the oil leak in the Gulf. He just couldn't understand why, when he sucked the bay through one end of the hose, and dumped it back into the bay on the other end, why oh why, didn't the bay drain already?

He gave up. And fell into the slumber of a king. He let his poors fill out the police blotter. They filled it with jokes. Incidents they'd seen at the supermarket. David slumbered. "andamememememe..." while his cell phone rang and rang.

Finally outside the Metropolitan Museum, lonely, tired and disoriented Dan closed his phone. That painting sucked, he thought. She sent me up there on purpose so she could do her Oriental hoo-doo and switch around the museum on me so I can't find my places to write. It's all a big joke to those slanty-eyed people, he huffed. Then he kicked a Central Park carriage horse in the ribs. The horse neighed in pain.

"Aw, knock it off," Dan gruffed. "You like the hustle and bustle of the city, you little bitch!"

Young Filmmaker Returns to His Roots

One of the reasons Hamptonyte Blog was launched is because its founders grew up near the Hamptons, studied in the Hamptons, worked in the Hamptons, became aspiring artists and writers in the Hamptons, and ultimately became fed up with the usual suspects and closed-door policies of many of the arts venues in the Hamptons. Mostly, Hamptonyte Blog has reported snarkily on the "cultural" happenings and "artistic" events going on, particularly in the summer. We're sorry...Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is not culture, and Alec Baldwin being cast to lead Equus is bleh. And fashion shows from fameballs gouging into their trust funds to live out some self-absorbed, creepy, Sex and The City fantasy is poo. We're calling it out every time.

This is not to say that Alec Baldwin doesn't have the right to participate in the Hamptons' artistic community, in fact, he's earned the right, as have many other celebrities we may goof on here. But we'll always be convinced that there is a well-spring of uncelebrated artistic talent with modern voices and important things to say about the world around us.

Meet Grant Curatola. He's representin' for the gangstas all across the world. Well, not really, he's a graduate of the Ross school, a fairly posh private school built in an idealic East Hampton setting surrounded by 140 acres of woodland. He's gone off to NYU and is studying film there, and there's an interesting article on him at

Maybe Grant isn't the best example of a young artist struggling to build an audience and create a platform on the east end. After all, he did attend a posh private school and is now attending another posh private school. But Hamptonyte Blog has to admire that he seems to be trying to add a fresh voice to a very stale east end arts community. He could shoot his indie film anywhere, yet he returned to his old back yard. He's even considering submitting the film to the Hamptons Film Festival (which is a stroke-fest, but at least Grant's entry makes sense). We're not class warriors, after all. And we're keenly on the lookout for aspiring, unheralded artists who are trying to be seen, heard, read, discovered while working in the Hamptons. E-mail us if you know such a person who could use some ink. Or, in this case, some link.

Students Don't Get Mad Anymore, They Lawyer Up!

So it's not exactly storming the college president's office and hijacking the entire building circa 1969, but let's give a standing O to Stony Brook Southampton students who slapped a lawsuit against SBU's president and decider Samuel Stanley Jr. for allegedly cutting the undergraduate program at the Southampton campus because he felt like it.

The lawsuit has the support of local politicians. The students are hoping the lawsuit will cause enough distance and irritation for Stanley to reconsider his move to pull out of Southampton and leave the school vulnerable to the carousing wiles of the two graduate programs slated to remain, one of which is the very unruly and unpredictable Creative Writing program. The message? Don't abandon the campus to a bunch of drunks!

I'm sorry, were you expecting Kent State? These are students majoring in "environmental sustainability," people, cut them some slack.

Cynthia Rowley to Montauk: "Shut Up And Be Chic!"

Here's a little vapid fashion wrap to thrust us officially into the deep (or should we say shallow?) end of summertime in the Hamptons.

Cynthia Rowley is opening a boutique shop in Montauk this summer. Fisherman with chum guts under your nails? Go wash up! Surfer not completely sure if you've showered lately? Put this on! Ornery barfly at Salovars or the Lucky Saloon? Now you can lament life in style!

We can't think of a worse place to put a shop that will sell wares from a designer who holds a Perry Ellis Award, and neither could Rowley. In an attempt to maintain the drinking town's austere, alcoholic, and depressed image, Rowly is simply putting a sign that says "Shop" on the awning. And she's placing it next to the Memory Motel. And she's hosting a summer concert series at the Memory. So, you know...treat her like a little sister, Montauk, even is she is trying to dress you up like her dolls and make you all fabulous.

In other news, did 22-year-old apple-cheeked and well-connected fashion designer Lauren Gabrielson no favors by pretty much printing Gabrielson's press release wholesale on their web site. Gabrielson, if you've never heard of her, is Ginny Hilfiger's hand-crafted puppet who came to life and launched her own line. That's her on the right in the picture above. Note Ginny's hand is in position to operate Lauren's mouth and moveable parts. Anyway, now Ginny is helping her open a boutique in Sag Harbor called? Drum roll, please....LaurenG. Stunningly, Lauren Gabrielson's PR team has really glowing things to say about Lauren Gabrielson.

"Gabrielson is a 22-year-old designer ready to make her mark on the industry."

"Gabrielson's trademark style has an influence of vintage lingerie, mixing femininity with soft, silky colors (which is masculinity?)"

Welcome Gabrielson at her open-house event on June 5 at 4 p.m., and get a chance to operate the human-size puppet yourself! The address is 112 Hampton Street, on the corner of Route 114 and Jermain Avenue. And godspeed, Lauren Gabrielson, 22, and ready to make your mark. Godspeed.

The Worst. Press Release. Ever.

There will probably be others, and perhaps we'll hold a contest, but for now...This is. The worst. Press release. Ever.
I heart PRLog. I heart them forever, for posting this release and distributing it over their wires and actually allowing people to accidentally read it. It brightens even the most cantankerous of dispositions.
In short, TSW World Entertainment Network has a CEO. Tariq Alexander. Tariq Alexander has a couple friends. Namely, Joan and George Hornig. Joan, a bored housewife who whittles away the remains of her day making jewelry and using her husband's money to foist it on people, invited Tariq Alexander to their home in the Hamptons. They also invited on recommendation, some young wannabe performers to showcase their talent. Tariq Alexander, CEO of TSW (which stands for "The System Within," a business name fraught with meaning to Tariq Alexander and only to Tariq Alexander) wrote a press release about the party. Then he solicits your business at the end of it. And that's the news.
The worst. Press release. Ever.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Get Your Snob On!

Some blogs know us better than we know ourselves. They're in our heads. Earlier this week, suck-up blog Societe Perrier, which is French for "Slavery Will Return," posted this little snippet about a soon-to-open restaurant/lounge/club/nirvana/impervious-to-God's-wrath-sanctuary in East Hampton, and somehow we're already feeling the coming change to our lives because of it.

"With less than 2 weeks until Memorial Day weekend, everyone is starting to buckle down and decide how they will spend their weekends out east." We are?
"The question on my mind is what will Derek and Daniel do?" Who?
"Whether you're parking or docking, once you are inside it is the same crazy brunch you've come to know and love." Crazy brunch I've come to know and love? It's brunch, people. When I think brunch, I don't think crazy, I think, run the other way because someone's trying to get me to wear boat-shoes.

Derek and Daniel turn out to be Derek and Daniel Koch. Ahhhh. Of course! Derek and Daniel Koch, yeah I still have no clue. But they've teamed up with Michael Wainstein. You know, Michael Wainstein? Nothing? Yeah, me neither. But he climbs into the hyperbolic chamber with Societe Perrier.

"Being on the water this year, we're setting sail with an even bigger concept and bringing the yacht party ashore; whether they arrive by land or by sea, we're sure they're going to have a unique experience," says Michael Wainstein.

And that in no way sounds like a canned quote from a press release. Congrats, Societe Perrier, you've succeeded in writing a post that actually makes people hope the SS Koch Twins sail a bit too close to starboard of a band of Somali pirates.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Brown Publishing's Papers: The May 14 Recap

By which we parse that parrot cage lining people call "Dan's Papers" (but is really Brown Publishing's Papers, or Jimmy Finkelstein's News Communications Papers) for all its subtext and stupidity. Mostly stupidity.

"Put your little hand in mine/There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb...

OK campers! Rise and shine, and don't forget your booties, cuz' it's coooolld out there today! It's cold out there every day, what is this Miami Beach?"

This week Dan was short-staffed. David Lion kept running around the newsroom waving a No. 2 pencil in the air, swearing that he'd snapped it in half the night before. And now, having written the same exact Police Blotter as the May 7 issue, he was convinced he was having the same day over and over. Ned Ryerson, an old acquaintance from high school, Needlenose Ned, Ned the Head, kept running up to him on Main St. in East Hampton.

"Don't tell me you don't remember him, dad, cause he sure as heckfire remembers you!" Lion said.

But Dan knew the boy must be reeling from the effects of living beneath telephone lines his whole life. 'Imagine life without telephone poles' Dan thought. Gnom, gnom, gnom... Then he went back to Googling himself to find out what sort of nasty things were being said about him and his bankrupt newspaper. "I'm not gonna live by their rules any more..." he heard Lion mutter to himself before he headed out of the office. 'The boy's unhinged,' he thought. No matter.

The Southampton Press reports inaccurately and their commenters are all doo-doo heads, Dan wrote in his splash article "Eavesdropping." It was a re-post of all the hatred and celebration the commenters at were unleashing upon news of the coming demise of Brown Publishing's Papers. But they would have no such satisfaction today. No sir. Brown Publishing's Papers is celebrating their 50th and nobody is going to crash that party. They're here to stay! The office rejoiced. Dan rejoiced. David Lion kidnapped a groundhog and drove off a cliff. Edward R. Murrow rattled his chains and moaned. The flames tickled his elbows.

But there was work to be done. Blond sock-puppet and News12 famehound Gina Glickman had to schlep all the way out to Tribeca for a story on the film festival. Unlike the glorified YouTube channel known as the Hamptons Film Festival, this one's real. And full of celebrities! So Glickman simply had to be there. And had to insert herself into the writing as much as possible without making people wonder if she was even there. It's a technique that crosses over to her "hit" series on News12 Long Island, "Stalker In The Hamptons," or whatever. Most viewers who watch that show, or read her columns think the important part is what the celebrities are saying, or what they're in attendance for. Perhaps even what they're promoting. Nuh-uh. No way. What's important is that we all know Gina Glickman actually, really spoke to these people! In person! She even stood next to them! And danced at their parties! Maybe even one will ask her on a date! Oh Gina, don't you know that your columns are the destroyer of worlds?

Anyway, back at the top of the cliff, David Lion clawed his way up the steep incline and sniffled. He coughed. Then he hurried back to the newsroom to write about his snifflecough and see if it appeared again in Brown Publishing's Papers. It did! Why is this happening?! he screamed. Then he figured since there's no tomorrow, he might as well write a column telling fat and ugly people to suck it up and lose weight or quit their bitching and leave the Hamptons for good. That also appeared in the newspaper. He covered his ears. He couldn't stop that polka that kept playing in his head. Strike up the music/the band has begun/the Pennsylvania Polka...

Dan strode past his son and shook his head. Then he sat down to answer a cease and desist letter from the State of New Jersey. "Stop claiming Jon Bon Jovi," the letter stated. Never. He'd never relent. He'd never give up Jon Bon Jovi. He's from East Hampton and I don't care what anyone says, he wrote back. Then he counted Madonna's bushes and put that in his South O' the Highway column. Marcia Gay Harden is going to act again! And in a show about the Hamptons! She hasn't done that since Pollack. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker is treating Sex and the City 2 like it's a matter of national security, shooting fake scenes, and threatening cast and crew members with things she has no legal authority to enforce, and kidnapping everyone's moms until the movie comes out, because when this movie comes out everyone needs to be mutually shocked and mystified by its complex and enigmatic ending. "There's simply too much at stake. If people get any sort of sneak peak at this vapid apologia for self-aggrandisement and entitlement, grandma will simply have to die," she said. Also, Joy Behar ate. Alec Baldwin did Alec Baldwin stuff. Steven Spielberg needed to take media blackout tips from Sarah Jessica Parker, and Christie Brinkley totally didn't slide into the operator's chair for a quick face-change when her daughter went under the knife to stop looking like her father. Come on, you know she did. All in all, the column was its usual success at linking people who call the Hamptons their 4th home.

Then Dan tossed out New Jersey's playa-hatin' letter, only to reveal beneath it more hate-mail from Patchogue. "Damn, son," he yelled, "all these places are gettin' all up in ma grill, like furreals, son, don't be drinkin' that hatorade, Patchogue, I love my homies in the gitto, don't be skerred." Patchogue wants Brown Publishing's Papers to know that they're not friends. Well, they won't be friends until Dan takes back all the mean things he's said about Patchogue. Like completely ignoring their press releases because Alec Baldwin wasn't going to be there. And for saying Patchogue is stabby and likes to stab immigrants, so they're immigrant stabby. So Dan apologized, with his fingers crossed behind his back. Good thing Pete Lutz wrote in to Dan while high on blood thinners to brighten Dan's day! Yay, Pete's back. And he's laying in a hospital bed with a "tempter" wiggling her hips in front of him, but the fat, ugly nurses keep coming in to take his tempter and he wants out! Also Times Square has a bomber, the fishing industry is oily, he needs all sorts of work done on his house and no poors to do it, the earth is always turning, stewardesses aren't RN's anymore and can't get any guys but fat ones, and they only speak one language, and the damn rich people are moaning about sex offenders when they should be getting them jobs. Ahhhh! he yelled.

"Ahhhh!" David Lion yelled back. He was still covering his ears.

"Can you all keep it down!" TJ Clemente screamed. He was trying to finish his article on ticks. There's just so many ticks in the Hamptons. This is true. And there's just so much Lymes Disease. Everyone has it. It's like a rite of passage now. We don't have Lymes Disease, and when we get pulled over by cops in East Hampton they know we're not from there. Oh, there's just too much Lymes Disease everywhere you go in the Hamptons.

So there was Dan, answering his mail. There was TJ pulling a Lymesy tick off his arm. And there was Gina Glickman, twirling her hair with the end of her pencil. It's what pencils are made for. She rested her chin on her hand and stared dreamy-eyed into the photo of Puff Daddy. Why won't he return my calls? she wondered. Didn't he get the joke when I pinned that doll with the severed head under his windshield wiper? I thought it was funny. He did too, I'm sure. He's just busy planning his white party. Hmmm. What should I wear to his white party?

And then there was Pete Lutz. Poor, forgotten Pete Lutz. The patterns on the ceiling above him were conspiring to strangle him with his IV tubes. He knew it. Plus, the jello had long since stopped asking permission from the carrots for everything it did. And his sheets are being lazy again. The whole world is gone to hell, he thought. It's like you can't even be a giraffe anymore.

Wall Street Banks To Employees: Have Fun, But Don't Be A Dick About It

The recession has done nothing to deter the well-heeled from kicking off their business shoes and dipping them in the sands of the Hamptons. But now from Reuters comes this warning apparently handed down from Wall Street banks to its bevy of toolbag employees licking their chops to get out east, roll up their trousers, and hit on the waitresses. Go buy your $15 million homes. But do it secretly. Use a fake name, maybe. Or, aha, the name of a rival! This will seriously keep you from our guillotine.

This is the problem with unsourced material in journalism: the "some people say" approach to sourcing. Employers have probably sent no such warning to its staff. But it's fun to think they have!

Things are much better," [ Judi Desiderio, CEO,Town & Country Real Estate] said. "People feel more secure about their jobs. They feel more secure that the world isn't going to crack wide open and suck them in."

Yes, but just to be safe from the business end of our pitchforks, wear dark sunglasses and a big hat when you walk into her office.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Love Mail

Hamptonyte Blog started getting mail this week, so we can officially believe this blog is actually posting to a public place on the interwebs.

From a fellow at

"Just discovered the blog. Dude, you are hilarious."

And this from David Lion Rattiner. (We'll admit, when we saw our inbox we winced and squinted at his opening sentences)

"I laughed out loud about your rants about me and my Dad, even as mean as they are they are funny. But I'm a thoughtful guy and nobody was talking about the oil spill when it first happened. It was being reported like it was no big deal when I wrote that column, which was just a couple of days after the spill was first reported. I still strongly believe that it needs to be blown up and agree with this Navy Admiral, who spoke about the idea of blowing it up yesterday.
And it's not my Daddy's paper, it's Brown Publishing's and before that it was Jimmy Finklestein's News Communications."

Well at least he has a sense of humor about our recaps. And we'll correct the "Dan's Papers" error. A nice back-and-forth chat ensued. We're now BFFs!

School Budget Recap

Thanks to 30 people who had cars last night, Sag Harbor school teachers don't have to move back in with mom and dad, Southampton residents are fine with budget surpluses, some serious poaching going on at East Hampton schools, and whenever a Westhampton Beach athlete gets a serious rug-burn, think of 4 douchebags. Last night's budget wrap below:

All of the east end's school budgets passed last night, some margins closer than others.

Sag Harbor: 1,051 to 1021. Just 30 votes decided a budget proposal that everyone involved was so scared of failing, they were talking the crazy talk of salary freezes and newbie layoffs. No word yet on whether this close shave will cause a civil war-like divide amongst the community. Until then, enjoy your 6.7% increase, Sag Harboranianites(?)

Tuckahoe: 212-193. It took only 19 extra votes to pass this 16.5 million dollar budget. There would have been blood running in the streets, but then everyone realized that no one knows where the hell Tuckahoe School District is, or who attends it. Phew!

Southampton: 595-499. Hamptonyte Blog posted an e-mail conversation with BOE member Dr. Laura McMahon about her lone dissent of this budget proposal, and although the 96-vote margin is pretty wide, obviously 499 people who turned out think a budget surplus three years in a row should have protected them from further increases in the tax levy. It didn't. Now how to tell Johnny his trip to Europe this summer is on hold? Hmmmm.

Bridgehampton: 216-61. A landslide. But then again, how could it not be? This year's proposal called for a nearly $62,000 reduction in its operating costs. So that's a good thing, right? Residents are currently on the lookout for these 61 voters for purposes of forced sterilization.

Sagaponack: 25-2. Sagaponack is not a real school district. We're convinced.

Hampton Bays: 1,078-945. A 43.8 million dollar budget, all said.

Westhampton Beach: 584-298. But its $49 million budget passing is not the real story. The real story is how much of that $49 million is earmarked for lawsuits when its ill-advised artificial turf athletic field starts dishing out turf-rash not experienced since pornstars stopped getting shagged on orange carpeting. The proposal to carpet an earth that grows completely real grass was passed by a slim margin of 4 votes. Remember them, linebackers of the future! You may want to knock on their doors.

And in other news...

Southampton School District announced that it had suspended two administrators, Principal Adam Fine, and Assistant Principal Maria Mondini for reasons undisclosed. Of course, everyone assumed they were up to something kinky of the janitor's closet variety. Turns out, Southampton was just pissed. Pissed that they got poached by East Hampton High School, which is where they will begin their new jobs.

"East Hampton School Board member John Ryan said the hiring process was kept quiet so as to not put Mr. Fine or Ms. Mondini’s jobs in jeopardy."

Bang-up job, guys.
UPDATE: Just got e-mail confirmation from a Southampton Board of Ed member, that the suspensions of Fine and Mondini are to be served WITH pay, so...yeah, that was a pointless suspension.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Most Important Event You'll Never Go To

Mark your calendars for May 29. Then just as quickly forget about it. That's the day circus-handler Andy Cohen will be bringing his endangered Bravo creature Countess LuAnn deLesseps to co-host a charity event at the "Bridgehampton Tennis & Surf Club For Bored Housefraus Running Out Of Creative Ways To Spend Their Husband's Money."

Cohen, host of Bravo's Watch What Happens: Live!, will pull the blanket off of de Lesseps' cage some time in the late evening. She'll stare back at an audience of pearl earrings and leathery skin. Like an Egyptian tomb, only without the charm. Then she'll sing her newly released single "Money Will Buy You A Record Deal." Afterwards a muffled squawk will resound from the rafters of the beachfront venue. Everyone will look up and see a rare Spotted Kelly Bensimon hanging upside down. Her skin flaps stretched tightly over her face to conceal her from the bright lights and shimmering diamond rings. A free bottle of Moet to whomever pegs it with an ice cube.

Also in attendance: Grammy-Legend-We've-Never-Heard-Of Thelma Houston, Bethenny Frankel, John and Lorena Bobbitt, Amy Fisher, and Spuds MacKenzie. I guarantee you'll never go to this thing. But I also guarantee it will be in the photo pages of Sans Papers, so you won't have to! Press release from Media Bristro is here.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Throw Your Very Own Obnoxious SATC Party!; A Field Manual

Like the drunken carousing shortly after our last hangover, we never learn. "Sex and the City, Part Duh" is soon to hit theaters and brains are itching everywhere. Even cultural teabagger and all around soft-headed conservo-critic Michael Medved got this phenomenon right, calling the first Sex and the City "Woodstock for entitled princesses."

And just to make sure you're not left shopping at Payless, has been kind enough to treat us all with recipes for our very own customized cocktails. Emphasis on cock. As in, put the credit card away and get some! If not, by all means fold your arms across your chest, roll your eyes, and look over the guy's shoulder who's talking to you to see if there's someone richer or more socially important for you to be talking to. These drinks not only rock, they classify you. So there you go. You don't even have to think anymore.

The Fashionista: 3/4 oz of celebrity absorption, mixed with 2 oz. of ill-placed priorities make for a heady elixir that combines the smooth taste of perceived importance with an air of exclusionary star-fucking.

The Player: 10ml. of penicillin, 10ml. of tramp stamp concealer. Stir it in with a dim notion that you're a feminist to wash away that icky feeling in the morning.

The Socialite: 1/2 oz. of false self-confidence, 3 oz. of "The Fashionista" mix, a velvet rope, a slave to stand with a wireless headset at your front door manning the velvet rope, combine repeatedly with a discriminatory guest list, et viola! Drink up, important person!

The Bombshell: 1/2 oz. imitation of a bygone era, 1/4 oz. feigned surprise when someone calls out said bygone era, 3 oz. false modesty. Stir with a long spoon. Strain away all dignity. Serve with a maraschino cherry, while fighting the urge to impress your phony A-list friends with your skill at tying the cherry stem with your tongue.

Of course, you could also just be a little more down to earth and not ask every guy you meet what he "does." Nah, what's the point in that? Carrie on, our wayward daughters.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Journalist Sued For Wanting To Practice Journalism

Okay, maybe the headline is a bit unfair. According to this article, media company Hamptons Online is suing the founder and part-owner of, Robert Florio for millions of dollars because they claim Florio ran off with the source codes for and then used those source codes to build a rival website, which is now up and running and pwning

Got it? Us neither. But basically Florio got fired because he wanted to practice journalism and his fellow owners/board members were like, "journalism, schmournalism, let's just see how many celebrities we can pack into each article." But Florio wouldn't relent and so they shit-canned him. When he left, he owed hundreds of thousands of dollars that he charged against the business that he can't justify, according to the lawsuit. Not only that, they claim he took the source codes and built, which is a rival site only in that it has the word "Hamptons" in it, and has a similar banner at the top. Other than that, a cursory glance at would reveal that Florio's new website actually (gulp) practices journalism and (double gulp!) reports on things happening out east that don't involve Alec Baldwin, Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, or the Real Housewives of New York City.

Our favorite part is that Hamptons Online also wants to get back the Volkswagon Bus Florio had signed under his name and drove off the lot. Hey Hamptons Online, if you can't act like real hippies and report critically, speaking truth to power, than you can't have the hippie-mobile! I should be the abitrator in this thing.

They also want to go after a reporter, which is like suing a kid's lemonade stand. Andrea Aurichio is named in the suit because she allegedly said mean things about the quality of the site (it sucks) and the personalities of the management (they blow.) Apparently she got shit-canned also, back in November, because she was "behind" some anonymous comments left that tore up some of the articles that appeared on (God, I hope at least one of those comments was a judo chop to Sean MFK Bruns). The official beef with Aurichio is that she's interfered with potential advertisers, by contacting them and telling them the site sucks and the people there blow, and also for damaging their "character and reputation."

You mean this character and reputation?
“[The majority] came to a decision that trying to bring another news outlet into the marketplace didn’t make sense for us to do,” Mr. Kazickas said. “We weren’t equipped for it. The economics weren’t there. So we just decided that we would go in a different direction.”

What direction might that be? You're a media company that didn't see the value in! You should sue yourselves for breach of integrity.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Dan's Papers Not Enough Punishment For East Enders

Because all the namewhoring, fameballing, and anecdotal rambling to be found within the weekly pages of San's Papers hasn't yet destroyed the earth; Dan Rattiner has written a sequel to his first unreadable collection of bleh, entitled "How I Woke Up On Third Base, But Think I Hit A Triple."

And he's going on tour! Well, he's traveling through all the fabulous Hamptons neighborhoods where's he's been the most annoying. Everyone is looking forward to his visits I'm sure. First stop? London Jewelers in East Hampton, where he'll read from his chapter "Steven Spielberg Doesn't Know Who I Am, But I Shook His Hand Once And It Was Totally Awesome." In this chapter he relates the story of all the wackiness that ensued during the filming of Jaws, and how he would have totally been in on it, but, you know. There's even a food fight! It's gonna be...hilarious.

Also, he'll be at the Sagaponack Post Office reading to a disinterested crowd of confused people with packages in their hands, who showed up thinking it was a post office. There he'll read from his chapter: "How I Tricked Kurt Vonnegut Into Thinking I'm Somebody He Should Be Friendly With." It's a great yarn. It includes a standing lunch (whatever the hell that means), and their eventual falling out over jealousy. Hamptonyte sincerely hopes the jealousy turns out to be Dan's and that he doesn't actually think Kurt Vonnegut would spend a nanosecond hand-wringing over his shortcomings in contrast to Dan Rattiner.

Anyway, the tour dates and locations (his poor, poor driver) are posted on his website, and we're sure the book promises to have more namedropping than the House Un-American Activities Committee. Enjoy! And by enjoy, I mean puke. And by puke, I mean e-mail me at if you go to one of his readings. And may God have mercy on your souls.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sans Papers: The May 7 Recap

By which we parse that parrot cage lining people call "Dan's Papers" for all its subtext and stupidity. Mostly stupidity.

Dan has concernz. He's worried about this new generation. He's worried they don't have the vim and vigor of the previous generations; the propensity for civil unrest. The need to defy authority. The yearning to hand over hundreds of their parents' money to local authorities and make their one phone call for bail money.

He wants this back, and he's asking you, the reader, to ready for blood. It's the most important demonstration of civil disobedience since the Alabama bus boycotts. Nothing short of our American freedoms hangs in the balance. You probably guessed it: it's a protest against strict fishing laws, which are destroying the lives of literally dozens of the east end's baymen. It's all going down in late June. Local police have already strapped on the riot gear. The baymen are calling for an army of 20 volunteers, and it'll only cost you a very pedestrian $325! That's nothing. That's a Versace handbag, people, think about it! Oh, and you'll get to be on the internet for sure, and you might even get your rebellious mug on the TV news! So it's totally worth it. Hamptonyte Blog would love nothing more than to hear from someone who goes down to this protest and captures the first footage of The Worst Editor Ever being hauled off in a paddy wagon.

This week's "Ripped From the Archives" article is actually an archaeological dig into when Dan first started printing actual horseshit as news. We wish we were kidding, but it's a continuation of a series about a woman who tries to swim from Montauk to Manhattan. This might actually be a true story. At first we weren't sure if it was a fabrication, but then we saw this actual image of the dramatic event captured by a Dan's staffer back in 1965. See that guy in the boat was tying to rescue the woman. She's desperately reaching out to grab hold of his oar, but to no avail. It's really a very sad story. She was so enthusiastic about this swim. She was just 42 years of age.

While The Worst Editor Ever tossed in his bed and rang sweat from his beard thinking about the Bonackers and those scallywags that tries to steal thee treasure, by regulatin' their pillage and not lettin' them leave off with the spoils of war, arrrgggh, David Lion was down the hall pressing his ears to make the pounding in his dreams stop as well.

"Arrrgh, those rapscallions down there in the Gulf of Mexico are destroyin' the treasures of the sea, arrrrgh," he said. "We shoulds make em' walk the plank and send em' down to the depths of Davey Jones's locker, arrrrgh."

Then he awoke with a start. His father's voice echoed in his head, but his room was empty. No massive boulders he'd planned on floating down to the Gulf to aid in stoppering that big oil-hole in the sea-floor. No Navy torpedoes armed and ready at his disposal. He pulled his damp sheets from his body and went to the typing box that glows at night to work on an article for his daddy's paper. He typed "Twentysomething..." across the top of the document. Then he highlighted it and put it in Wingdings. Haha. Funny, he giggled. Then he put it in Helvetica. Haha. That's a funny word, he said. Then he put it in bubble letters. He could always draw the little heart to dot the "i" once it's printed. What was important is that he talk about the oil spill. Nobody was talking about it, that was the problem. Only ABC, NBC, CBS, CW11, CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, News12, NY1, The New York Times, The NY Post, The Daily News, Time Magazine, Businessweek, and The Wall Street Journal were reporting on it. And Telemundo. Haha. That's a funny word, he thought.

So he needed to raise awareness, and provide perfectly sane solutions to this crisis. Solutions even he could execute on behalf of a grateful nation. "What can I do?" he wrote. How about this: 1. With his multiple boats, he would send over huge boulders and drop them over the hole in the ground. And if that didn't work, he'd 2. Send the U.S. Navy's fleet of submarines (yes, he has the authority to do so) to fire torpedoes around the hole in the hopes that the explosions collapse the edges of the geyser and plugs up the flow of oil. Or, 3. Shed his feety pajamas, activate his Wonder Twin powers, and take the form of a large block of ice that will freeze the oil into coagulated lumps that can be easily fished out of the Gulf with crab nets.

When Dan awoke, he found his son passed out at the computer, his head rested on the keyboard. He looked over at the screen. It read: I would fire torpedoes at the edge of the hole and projfsdkfjskdfjlksdjvkbhjirjtgrioghidsvhjcbdlkajedrkjg'dfkjsa;ldkfh;lrkjtgfidjgvdkljdkfdfdfs, all the way across the screen. "He's gettin' so good at writing," Dan said, lifting his boy up from his chair and taking him back to his room.

He needed to get on the computer next to work on South O' the Highway. A Madonna song was playing on the radio the other day and people needed to know that. And they needed to know that Madonna has a house in Bridgehampton. Also, they needed to know that Billy Joel's daughter, a "Hamptons gal" no longer has the uglies. And that Alec Baldwin is hosting SNL, and he's from Amagansett. And people needed to know that the most famous Countess, LuAnn de Lesseps did what all countesses do, she released a disco track entitled "Money Can't Buy You Class...But It Can Buy You A Great Piece of Ass." They needed to know all of this. Because the Hamptons feels so lost not knowing where its prodigal children are at all times.

Even though many of them have returned! They returned to bear witness to Eli Wallach and Annie Jackson's dedication of the second stage at Bay Street. Sure, everybody was there. Eli, and Annie (Miss Jackson if ya nasty), and his Eli's 30 children. There was the unique, the very trendsetting, Lauren Bacall, who arrived actually holding a little dog at all times. Who would ever think to carry their dog around to Hamptons functions? She's such a firebrand. And of course there were some who escaped the glitz and glamour of Lauren Bacall and her little dog too, and went to the only slightly less sexy Longhouse Reserve Season Opening, or the Demato Gallery in Sag Harbor. And for good measure, Dan's stalker Barry Gordin went into New York City to photograph actual celebrities. Overall, it was a busy week for all those weary Hamptons partiers. So weary, in fact, they couldn't even make the trip to the Hamptons.

So weary was The Worst Editor Ever, that he couldn't be bothered with the nuances of the Tea Party movement when he wrote his column about them last week, and now suffers the consequences of the hate mail. The mail booed. It hissed. It called him biased. (Psst, hey teabaggers! He has to actually report on real news in order to show bias. Shhh) But there was praise to be had! Even if it did come from a woman who decided to include in her P.S. that she got hopped up on Ambien one night and passed out months later. Or at least that seems to be the chronology; the whole letter reads as though she'd just taken more. So there was Dan, reading his one letter of praise, and trying to black out the bad thoughts of angry tea partiers descending upon his office.

And then there was David Lion, at work on his wrap-up of all the private arrests that took place. A woman in Eastport who ran over her husband, an 18-year-old kid hauled in for possession of drug paraphernalia. Then for good measure he channelled his father's energy and drafted a fabricated report of dropped blood pressure in visitors to Shelter Island. Ahh, Shelter Island, he thought. Where raccoons get sent to heaven. Where there's such a thing as kink worms who can burrow beneath the sea bed and put a kink in the oil shaft. Where the rabbits know their place. You see, he'd struck and killed a rabbit in Montauk, and it felt like he was punting a football. The rabbit soared majestically through the air and landed unceremoniously on the side of the road somewhere. It was the second time he'd done it, and he needed to be stopped. But how could a superhero with the U.S. Navy at his command stop himself? He can't. It can't be done. He had to drive on.

The only thing he could think to do...was shoot at it with torpedoes, in the hopes that the explosions woke the rabbit up from his deathsleep. Haha. Deathsleep, he thought. That's a funny word.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BLT East?

According to some foodie blogs, chef Laurent Tourondel is planning to take over the Sag Harbor space that housed the restaurant formerly knowns as Grappa. According to Tourondel, "no deal is signed yet," but he's got his eyes on it.

Apparently the French-born chef has a house in East Hampton. Tourondel's "BLT" restaurant chain was all over Manhattan, broken into specialty dish categories (BLT Fish, BLT Burger, BLT Steak, etc..) until he broke with his partner Jimmy Haber. Now he runs the sole space BLT Market. Hamptonyte Blog has actually eaten at BLT Burger (pictured above) and BLT Prime. The brisket was out of this world, but for the most part Tourondel's ego outpaces the quality of his recipes by a long shot. We feel like such insiders (it's an icky feeling) but let's just say we've been around Laurent a fair amount of times and weren't shocked to learn the break-up with Haber was LT's idea.
High prices? Check. Egomaniacal executive chef? Check. Soon-to-run sycophantic restaurant review from the Hamptons press corp? Check. It'll be like Grappa never left! And now this frees up Grappa owner and attorney Eddie Burke Jr. to defend more rich brats who run people over this summer, so everybody wins! And by wins I mean loses.

Monday, May 10, 2010

This Weak in Medi-uh

We never thought it possible to have two media recaps, and we probably won't, going forward, but something must be done to stop's party suck-up Sean MFK Bruns from filing his columns.

All the Hamptons a stage, and Bruns is merely a lighting-guy-who-wants-to-make-it-with-the-lead-role in it! From Design House in Southampton hosting a pathetic attempt at some invitation only "salon," to his unforgettable night of glitz and glamour above a car dealership on Old Riverhead Road, he feels insanely super about the coming summer. "Places everybody, places!" he actually wrote. We'll get right on that, Sean.

Unforgettable quote? and by unforgettable, I mean puke. "Last year other clubs were getting 'celebrities' like John Gosselin and Mike Lohan. Dune wouldn't even let those guys through the door," said a conveniently anonymous "club goer" about the second season of Dune's sad existence.

Um...yes they will. Though the anonymous club goer doesn't think so. In fact the anonymous club goer thinks all other clubs suck, except Dune. Thank God Sean Bruns found this anonymous club goer who happened to be moseying on down Jobs Lane in Southampton looking for someone in the press to get the word out that Dune is the one and only for him. Dune is the Hamptons. Dune invented night clubs! And puppies.

Towards the end of the article, there's some accidental reporting going on: updates on what's happening with some of the existing night spaces left abandoned like Bernie Madoff's whore, on the side of Sunrise Highway, eye-liner streaked down the face awash in tears.

Some of the details are yet to be worked out in those spaces, only weeks away from Memorial Day as of print time. But don't worry. Entitlement is a hardy fig. And we're sure that whatever happens to 75 Main in Southampton, or The Pink Elephant...the space will surely blossom into producing ripe, healthy toolbags like what attended Annona that seductive April evening. Above the car dealership.

And Sean MFK Bruns' tears will go from sadness, to elation. And then quickly back to sadness.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Trailer Residents, Too Rapey For Westhampton

In your textbook case of NIMBYism, the Town of Southampton has successfully managed to at least temporarily slap an injunction on Suffolk County, preventing them from upgrading DSS trailers that house homeless sex offenders.

Everyone is relieved. Well...except the sex offenders. Some of whom you can find by entering Westhampton's zip code (11977) in the NYS Sex Offender Registry.

Read this article for the legal maneuvering it took to get this thing done; it would impress the Nixon Administration. They managed to prevent showers from being upgraded in the trailers, which made the trailers essentially unlivable (everybody knows sex offenders HATE being dirty), and therefore in violation of other town and county occupancy codes. Done. Go somewhere else, rapey homeless pervs!

Like Mastic! While Hamptonyte Blog certainly can't expect residents to be over the moon about registered creepers setting up shop in town (even if it is in the middle of the friggin woods on Old Country Road) I have to take personal umbrage with this quote from Suffolk County Legislator Jay Schneiderman:

“The community is not going to tolerate this any longer,” Mr. Schneiderman said. “This is not a policy—this is dumping on a community.”

And this gem:

“The burden needs to be shared,” said Westhampton Beach Village Board member Toni-Jo Birk.

Excuse me? That's dumping on a community? Two trailers plopped in the middle of the woods? And that's not sharing the burden, Madame Birk? Have you looked over the fence at William Floyd Parkway in Mastic, Mastic Beach, and Shirley? Here are the numbers for Level 2 and 3 sex offenders:

Mastic Beach: 18
Mastic: 13
Shirley: 8

Westhampton: 1
Westhampton Beach: 3
Hampton Bays: 8
Quogue: 0
Eastport: 0
Southampton: 2

In other words, adding Westhampton, Westhampton Beach, Hampton Bays, Quogue, Eastport, and Southampton's number of sex offenders draws them into a tie with Mastic. Three communities outnumber 6 communities by a tally of 39 to 13! I wonder where these offenders are going to end up when the county gets rid of its trailer program and switches to a $90-per-day voucher program? Hmmmm.

Run that horseshit by us again, Ms. Birk?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Heralded Whale Is Actually Attempted Murderer of Dog

Who knew that when we shed tears and took group photos in honor of a poor, martyred whale in Easthampton, we were honoring an attempted murderer?

In the aftermath of that whale's very public demise comes this harrowing tale from an Easthampton High School teacher.

This is literally the neverending story that began a month ago when a humpback whale beached itself in Easthampton. Crowds gathered. Police gathered. Then they riddled it with poison darts, because in all liklihood it was going to die as a result of being separated from its mother. Everyone went into hysterics. Wrote letters to every editor about the mishandling of this case. That poor, poor whale.

Turns out, the whale was a vengeful douche. Like Montezuma's revenge, an Easthampton Australian Shepherd, with the unfortunate name "Sydney," may have chowed down on some grade-A whale steak, marinated in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet. The dog was trotting along the beach and then got very sleeply. Coma sleepy. And...stopped trotting quite obviously. His owner took him to a series of vets, and presto! $4,100 dollars later, Sydney was back answering to its unfortunate name.

Thanks a lot, dumb whale! You took a gouge out of someone's wallet and nearly killed a dog to boot! Now everybody hates you.

How To Pick Your Next Victim

With domestic terrorism now thwarted, European air space now back up and running, the Louisianan oil spill getting cleaned up, and the economy now completely fixed, it's time to make more important moves. Like picking a caterer for your Hamptons parties!

This listing has actually been posted on two sites. It's an open house taking place tomorrow at The Hamptons Caterer's Showcase in Southampton. You'll get to sample food, drinks, photographers, decorators, and planners.

Because choosing the right team of underlings to abuse while hobnobbing with your smart set should be taken very seriously.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

See And Be Scene

A list of some of the cultural happenings in and around the east end for the month of May. Seriously, if you go to any one of these events, shoot me an e-mail at and tell us about it.

May 8, 2010; 6 p.m. Canio's Cultural Cafe: (Subtext Alert: Canio's Books, Sag Harbor) Listen to the dronings of the Reverend Donna Schaper as she discusses her new book "Sacred Chow: Some Holy Ways To Eat."

May 15, 2010; 1:30 p.m. Southampton Historical Museums Home Tour at Rogers Mansion. A three-hour tour of preserved historic homes. Champagne reception and private art exhibition at the mansion to follow. $75 in advance, $90 on day of the tour.

May 22, 2010 6 p.m. Canio's Books, Sag Harbor. Hear author and novelist Louis Begley read from "Why The Dreyfus Affair Matters," a book he seems to be getting a lot of milage out of.

May 29, 2010 5-7 p.m. Rogers Mansion, Southampton. Art opening. Paintings and photographs of the east end.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

UPDATE: Dan's Papers Folding?

The ink had barely dried on our most recent recap of this past week's Dan's Papers, when up popped this little piece from Bloomberg Businessweek about Dan's publisher in Cincinnati filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in Central Islip.

Say it aint so. America's favorite weekly? Vanishing? And they're in the midst of celebrating their 50th Anniversary too! Oh, it's like when my grandparents cursed each other out and took separate cars home from their 50th party; it's happening all over again.

Or is it? This is up on, Dan's Papers' official website. So strange, the guy can write clearly when he wants to, so why not when he's producing his pages? It's a fairly lucid explanation of what's happening with his publisher, which is to say, it's newspaper business as usual. They can't pay their enormous debt, but they're not folding any of their holdings. So Dan's Papers lives on! And so do our recaps! So everybody loses! Yay!

My two faves? 1. This complaint from Dan Rattiner: "Bloomberg filled their article with numerous inaccuracies early on, and all of them had to be retracted and rewritten as they began to get it partly and then finally right." Really? From the guy whose splash article this week is completely fabricated?

2. The fact that only four short paragraphs after throwing Bloomberg under the bus for inaccurate reporting (bwahahaha), he circles back to grab a compliment he thinks he's receiving. "One of the publications purchased by Brown at that time was Dan’s Papers, “Largest in the Hamptons,” as Bloomberg wrote in their headline in all three of their versions."
(as he adjusts his tie and says 'thankyouverymuch')
P.S.: The headline says nothing of the sort.
UPDATE: Dan's reading comprehension has filed for bankruptcy.

Let me try this. "Hamptonyte Blog is one of the most vile, ill-conceived, immature, and viciously libelous blogs in blog history," said President Barack Obama.

HB: President Obama said we're part of blog history. Yesssssss!

I like that strategy. Tip of the straw hat to you, Dan.

Sans Papers: The April 30 Recap

By which we parse that parrot cage lining people call "Dan's Papers" for all its subtext and stupidity. Mostly stupidity.
Sometimes Dan Rattiner gives us the sads. Last week we learned that NBC is launching a new sitcom about a millionairre screw-up who can't run a newspaper. Dan frowned, and the idea-monster that has latched onto his frontal lobe sunk its little barbs deeper into the soft tissue.
'Why can't I be that millionairre screw up?' the monster made Dan wonder aloud, moving his bearded lips involuntarily to the words. Then it growled, and the vibrations gave Dan an idea. I will be the subject of a sitcom after all! I can use my newspaper to invent one!
And so this week's splash was born.
The show is called Rupert's Rag, starring Paris Hilton, Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Johnson, Rupert Murdoch, and Dan Rattiner's sad ideas. As for The Worst Editor Ever, himself? He'll be making cameo appearances.
We don't know what's worse, the show idea, or the fact that it took us to "Paris Hilton" before we realized this entire "article" was a product of Dan's lonely imagination. So we're going with the show idea. Somehow he tied in Rupert Murdoch's evil plan to sink The New York Times, and its relevance to the "sitcom." It's the equivalent of the little boy who's not allowed to play baseball with the bigger kids in the neighborhood, so he just invents his own game? And it has announcers? And the crowd is cheering his name, and erupts when he wins it for his team. For his town. For his country. For God? God pats him on the back. "Such an important person," God says. "Everyone should want to know you."
Rattiner giggled to himself, but stopped abruptly. The monster was munching. Gnom, gnom, gnom...
...Fresh from the smart of NBC's diss, The Worst Editor Ever decided he needed a healthy dose of self absorption. So he set up a "Google Alert" of his name. This means every time the interwebs mentions Dan Rattiner, he'll know about it. Oops. Does this mean we have to start being nice? Or does it mean that more energy should be exerted on his neer-do-well son, David Lion.
Let's go with option B, because Dan barged into Lion's room earlier this week while he was trying to rack up more tickets for playing "Whack-A-Poor." His wait staff had their heads poked out of holes Lion had drilled in his desk and he was holding a big mallet. Esterina sat to the side watching and he made her root for him.
"Son," The Worst Editor Ever barked. "There's a film being shot in somebody's mansion in East Hampton. Go cover it."
"But dad."
"Go, I said! Alan Cumming is going to be there."
"Alan Cumming," Lion shouted, dropping the mallet and rising to his feet.
"Go cover what they're shooting, and what it's about, and don't do anything stupid."
But David did do something stupid. He accidentally wrote an article entitled "Half of a Film Shot in East Hampton Oceanfront Mansion." And it was accidentally published in the April 30 issue of Dan's Papers.
It was a real house, and a real movie, and had real poors, too, working on the set, and he felt like he was on an episode of HBO's Entourage. And he wondered who he would be, if Entourage was a real show. Turtle? No. Vince? Yes!
Gnom, gnom, gnom... Anyway, with a little luck and good timing, maybe the film will make it to the Hamptons Film Festival, which, to the uninitiated, is a small notch above having your own YouTube channel.
Meanwhile, back at the Blue Amityville Horror House on Montauk Highway in Bridgehampton, Stacy Dermont read another book, and this time it was real brainy, hard-hitting non-fiction. A history of Westhampton Beach, a story told in actual words, about the resiliency and determination of hrwlong an, numsisreallysleepshishhhhhhhh.
Ohmygod, did I just fall asleep?
So, through this whole piece, which covers historic buildings and landmarks, no mention of Marakesh? It was right in the village, Marakesh. It was a Roman Coliseum for black people, Marakesh. People like Shane Daniels. I think the game was: run with a white girl through a gauntlet of billy clubs, and if you live, you get to go home. Nothing?
Back from the film set in East Hampton, David Lion got busy on his other duties, writing "This Week In Private Arrests."
Street racers, car keyers, vandals, thieves, they're all somewhere rattling around in the belly of the Hamptons criminal justice system. They're calling out, 'Hello, Hello!' But only their lonely echoes call back. Through the concrete walls they hear fellow inmates crying out from pain of torture and their stomachs groan in fear, knowing they'll be next. Who are these sad people? We don't know. Dan's never says. It protects their identity. Thank God we have private arrests in the United States of America.
But Lion stumbled upon a realization. And in no way was it a cliche'. "In the end, it all comes back to human nature, and when it rains it pours," he actually wrote in his "Twentysomething" column. A column in which you can see the world functioning around him in its every day normalcy while he scrambles to play catchup. "It seems like women aren't even on planet Earth. It's like I'm some kind of weirdo who, for some odd reason, can't get a girl."
But those are not the most egregious of sentiments bestowed upon us. This was: "There's no such thing as bad artists. If you put something out there, that's enough," said this week's "cover" artist Gia Schifano, in all seriousness. We're just glad she's a principal's secretary at a middle school. That kind of sunny optimism is needed there. Elsewhere, like being featured in a newspaper, it's poo.
And speaking of poo, this week's South O' the Highway was back to its usual fecal levels, with gossip bits about celebrities that have tertiary involvement with the east end. More Gwyneth Paltrow, Dan, more Gwyneth Paltrow, I don't think we know she has a house she never visits in Amagansett yet.
So Dan approached David Lion, sneaking up behind him at his desk. He furrowed his brow when he saw David photoshopping his head onto Vincent Chase's body on the DVD cover of last season's Entourage. The idea-monster was suckling sweetly, and became startled when The Worst Editor Ever banged his hand on the desk. He needed David to start thinking about little kids again, and do a wrap-up of all the summer camps opening in the Hamptons.
You see, summer waits for no one, and that kilo of blow isn't just going to snort itself. The kids need to be out of the house and out of their parents' lives. So hop to it, David, and try not to do anything stupid.
But David did do something stupid. He turned a summer camp guide into three pages of free advertising for every ranch that has pretty horses the kids can go pet. As well as neat places for them to drown. But presto bingo the job was done, and he could go over the pages of "Through The Lens," with his quaky fingertips, giggling over the photo of Alan Cumming, and shaking his head in star-awe at the photo of Kelsey Grammer, who was woken up out of bed to take a picture with two of the Stygian Witches. He could imagine a continual life of going from one event to the next, rolling up in his yellow Hummer with Turtle, and E, and Johnny Drama, just the four of them, spit balling. Owning this town. Owning Kelsey Grammer and the Longacre Theatre. And maybe he'd be whimsical like David Gamble in the photo page, with two honeys like bookends to his hipster scarf, oh yes, it would be so glorious. But first he'd need to be rid of The Worst Editor Ever's oppressive glare. First he'd need to sever ties with all these journalismy strings tying him down. But how? How would he do it. And what about Esterina?
Gnom, gnom, gnom...

Anatomy of a Dissenting Vote

Tonight, there will be a public hearing on the budget for Southampton School District, a budget that proposes a 1.9 million dollar (or 3.45%) increase over last year's budget. When the proposed budget was sent to a Board of Education vote on April 20, all members of the board approved except one: Dr. Laura McMahon.

The Hamptonyte Blog reached out to Dr. McMahon to clarify her dissent. Here's the gist of what she said (in italics).

"My intention is not to tell people to vote no for the budget, but rather to pay attention, ask the right questions and cast a vote that is reflective of an informed decision. I do believe the operating budget could be 0% and not adversely effect our students or staff. In my opinion, if people are not outraged, then they are not paying attention."

Now most LI school districts, in this blogger's experience, operate at or over budget year in and year out. But apparently this is not the case at Southampton, where for at least the last three years running, the school has posted budget surpluses at the end of the fiscal year. By law, the district is allowed to keep 4% of the overall budget in reserves. Dr. McMahon explains what happened at workshops while sitting down to discuss this upcoming budget.

"When the meeting began we were asked what would we be comfortable with 2% or 3%? I then asked, why not a 0% operating budget? I then asked, as of June 30, 2010 how much money did our district spend? The answer...there is about $3million dollars left. I then this climate, with the current economy, why not, just for one year, put a little less money in our reserves and make some further cuts? I did not get a straight clear cut answer."

What "further cuts" would she make?

"If you look at the history here, we consistently over-budget. We are also over-staffed. Look at the size of our district, and the amount of staff, and compare it to another district the same size. There is also a history here in Southampton of retaining ineffective staff, then adding more staff to compensate for that."

But there was a reduction in staff.

"A few personnel positions were cut after that first meeting I attended. The bottom line is, they needed to be cut anyway, regardless of the budget, so I feel that is misleading to the public. I believe we could still cut more staff and not adversely effect our kids or our current staff. I also voiced publically, that we have too many committees and often times the committees are loaded. For example, the BAC (Budget Advisory Committee, ed. note) is mainly comprised of people who either work for the district or have a spouse that is employed by the district. That representation was about 70% of the committee. That is not a true representation of the public."

Dr. McMahon also took exception to the way the budget numbers were brought to them in the first place.

"In my opinion, I would rather the Super come to the BOE with a few different proposals. For example this is what 0%, 1%, 2%, 3% budget would look like and show me the impact of such. That was not done."

And of course, similar to the reader comments often seen beneath stories about any school budget, teacher and administrator salaries occupy a large portion of the budget and are perceived as excessive.

"The public needs to be aware of contracts, they are negotiable, and that is the area where thousands and thousands of dollars can be saved. Salaries make up about 70% of our school budget. Contracts that have been ratified by the BOE are public information and can be viewed by the public by filling out a FOIL request with the district clerk. Anyway, people need to be aware of the public monies spent on healthcare, cash out of sick days upon retirement, stipends, etc. and how that directly impacts the taxpayer as well as our children."

Wouldn't cutting staff and renegotiating contracts necessarily impact extracurricular opportunities for students?

"We don't need to cut sports, music, or programs for the kids. We do need to have strong leadership. We have the ability to be forward, progressive thinkers, and to make Southampton a place that provides an excellent education for all, while at the same time being fiscally responsible to our taxpayers. In order for that to happen, first...people have to believe it is possible, I do believe that. If you look at the amount of money we spend per pupil, the amount of staff we have, the amount of students we have...our students should be doing phenomenally. They are not. Look at our graduation rate, compared to other schools on LI(not NY state), (It's lower) look at test scores (they're lower) ( I don't personally look at those because I do not think they are reflective of what students know or how they learn) but many people look at them, look at the grad rate for our minority students compared to other districts on LI. (It's lower) Something is really out of whack here. In my opinion, we have some awesome teachers and administrators, but we also have some ineffective staff and administrators. Just speak with community members, they know."

Dr. McMahon went on further to discuss the salary structure for teachers, and the powerful teacher's union that prevents, among other things, an evaluation of how teachers and administrators are performing.

She didn't say as much, but it seems her dissent is a symbolic one, in that she's not seeking to defeat the budget, but would like taxpayers and policymakers alike to turn a more critical eye to the budget process. Even with the fairly intricate list of issues, she probably has most readers at hello. The 3-million dollar surplus to be expected after this fiscal year ends in June. If the district is operating at a continual surplus, why raise the tax levy at all, even if it is only $1.66 per month for a house that's worth $1-million.

If there's something not being taken into account, feel free to e-mail the Hamptonyte Blog at And don't forget to show up at tonight's public hearing at 7:30 p.m. in the New Music Addition at Southampton Intermediate School.

According to the school's site, "the budget hearing will feature informative slides, but more importantly, an opportunity for questions and answers to and from school board members and school administrators. Babysitting will be provided."

In Other Bay Street Theater News

Much ado has been made about a second stage of the theater in Sag Harbor being dedicated to extremely veteran actor Eli Wallach and his wife of 62 years, Anne Jackson.

The reason? According to this East Hampton Star article, "The choice of naming the stage after Anne and Eli was effortless as they have been such wonderful supporters of Bay Street since its inception. We feel so lucky to have their name on our Second Stage as they are the embodiment of everything that is wonderful in the theater.”

The festivity kicked off last weekend at the theater, where if you were feeling generous, you shelled out $150 for a show and drinks in the lobby beforehand. A cool $500? That earned you dinner afterward at the American Hotel, where you can pretend to actually hang out with Eli and Annie. Miss Jackson, if ya nasty.

Missed the whole damn thing? Yeah, me too. That's okay. For $250 you can be a "construction angel" at Bay Street and purchase "virtual bricks," to help you build fairy seats in a cloud of actresses dust, fanned with unicorn tails. Or, you know, you get your name on a plaque. Seriously what's with all the lying?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Committees Comedies

Hey kids, have you ever wanted to do absolutely nothing but still get credit for it? We all have. Only us grown-ups have a word for it. Committees.
Like this one, which recently launched for the Bay Street Theater. You know, that (wink, wink) beacon of cultural light that provides safe harbor for local artists, so long as by "local" we mean summer visitors, and by "artists" we mean celebrities and agent-represented actor's equity talent. Yeah, that place over in Sag Harbor.
This "Artistic Associates Committee" (AACK!!) is described by as "still in development." Subtext alert! It was spontaneously conceived and will be limply executed.
So what will this newly formed (sort of) committee do? Well:

"In addition to making themselves available for performances on the Bay Street stage, this talented group of artists (Mario Cantone? Joy Behar?) are supporting Bay Street in other ways, including appearances at fundraising and cultivation events (parties) and participating in the ongoing artistic life at Bay Street (vague)."

You mean they'll have to make themselves available during summer stock to earn some extra money and then go to parties where they'll be fawned after and hounded by all the fake press that's spread all over the east end? Man, that's commitment!

Check out the article in its entirety, which comes replete with a photograph of Kim Cattrall on the set of Mannequin. (Boy she's ageless isn't she?) To answer the lede question: "What do Alan Alda, Joy Behar, Kate Burton, Zoe Caldwell, Mario Cantone, Kim Cattrall, Richard Kind, and Mercedes Ruehl all have in common?

Umm...they all just lengthened their obituaries by a sentence or two?