Heralded Whale Is Actually Attempted Murderer of Dog

Who knew that when we shed tears and took group photos in honor of a poor, martyred whale in Easthampton, we were honoring an attempted murderer?

In the aftermath of that whale's very public demise comes this harrowing tale from an Easthampton High School teacher.

This is literally the neverending story that began a month ago when a humpback whale beached itself in Easthampton. Crowds gathered. Police gathered. Then they riddled it with poison darts, because in all liklihood it was going to die as a result of being separated from its mother. Everyone went into hysterics. Wrote letters to every editor about the mishandling of this case. That poor, poor whale.

Turns out, the whale was a vengeful douche. Like Montezuma's revenge, an Easthampton Australian Shepherd, with the unfortunate name "Sydney," may have chowed down on some grade-A whale steak, marinated in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet. The dog was trotting along the beach and then got very sleeply. Coma sleepy. And...stopped trotting quite obviously. His owner took him to a series of vets, and presto! $4,100 dollars later, Sydney was back answering to its unfortunate name.

Thanks a lot, dumb whale! You took a gouge out of someone's wallet and nearly killed a dog to boot! Now everybody hates you.