Dan's Papers Not Enough Punishment For East Enders

Because all the namewhoring, fameballing, and anecdotal rambling to be found within the weekly pages of San's Papers hasn't yet destroyed the earth; Dan Rattiner has written a sequel to his first unreadable collection of bleh, entitled "How I Woke Up On Third Base, But Think I Hit A Triple."

And he's going on tour! Well, he's traveling through all the fabulous Hamptons neighborhoods where's he's been the most annoying. Everyone is looking forward to his visits I'm sure. First stop? London Jewelers in East Hampton, where he'll read from his chapter "Steven Spielberg Doesn't Know Who I Am, But I Shook His Hand Once And It Was Totally Awesome." In this chapter he relates the story of all the wackiness that ensued during the filming of Jaws, and how he would have totally been in on it, but, you know. There's even a food fight! It's gonna be...hilarious.

Also, he'll be at the Sagaponack Post Office reading to a disinterested crowd of confused people with packages in their hands, who showed up thinking it was a post office. There he'll read from his chapter: "How I Tricked Kurt Vonnegut Into Thinking I'm Somebody He Should Be Friendly With." It's a great yarn. It includes a standing lunch (whatever the hell that means), and their eventual falling out over jealousy. Hamptonyte sincerely hopes the jealousy turns out to be Dan's and that he doesn't actually think Kurt Vonnegut would spend a nanosecond hand-wringing over his shortcomings in contrast to Dan Rattiner.

Anyway, the tour dates and locations (his poor, poor driver) are posted on his website, and we're sure the book promises to have more namedropping than the House Un-American Activities Committee. Enjoy! And by enjoy, I mean puke. And by puke, I mean e-mail me at news5525@gmail.com if you go to one of his readings. And may God have mercy on your souls.