Thursday, June 19, 2014

Kardashian Stalker Arrives In Record Time

We swear, we never thought we'd write this much about the Kardashians, but this must be our fifth post? Consider it a public service announcement, because we think our "Hamptons" Google Alert we set up netted a pretty scary dude.

It's the blog of "evilsax," a multi-blogger who recently published two posts on his blog "Diary of a Republican Hater." In the first post, "I Drop Into The Hamptons During Kardashian Season," he pretty much divulges his obsession with Kourtney Kardashian and how he enlisted friends to drive him from Baldwin, NY out to Southampton to stalk the DASH store. When they arrive, the Kardashians are not there.

His grand plan when he sees them?  
I had been ready to tell Kourtney that Scott's a nice guy but 'we both know he's not worthy of you, that he doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated' which we would follow by a song-the Car's 'You Might Think'-and old 80s hit. Of course, we didn't see them. Our last ditch effort was to go to 75 Main St. for dinner but, of course, we had neglected to sign up for a reservation.
Even more interesting is that his one friend "Kev" brought another friend, "Pauly" and the two of them like to do a bit in public where one punches the other in the stomach as hard as he can.

 Often they get quite a kick out of it. We're trying to stoke things.
Yeah, so...

If his failed attempt to find her house in Noyac, or track her movement to the General Store in Noyac, or his failed attempt to catch up to her in DASH, or his last-ditch effort to find her at 75 Main doesn't scare you a little, his next blog should.

It's called "OK I Make The Case For a Mike Sax-Kourtney Kardashian Merger." Enough said, but we'll give you some nuggets anyway.
 Ok, so if I never get to make my case to Kourtney, much less serenade her with that Cars song-'You Might Think' what is my case? I mean why would she be interested in some totally random guy who she doesn't know and is some wildeyed super to boot? 
So in a back drop of disappointment for the Kardashian women, could it be that we will be a breath of fresh air? I mean for Kourtney, maybe she can use a guy like me-with my Quixotic worship; I mean, compare this to what she's used to; indeed maybe the Kardashians will find super fans a refreshing change as they spend a lot of time around people who have a 'been there, done that' attitude to celerity. 
I'm just going to try to get her autograph and hopefully get to talk to her for a few minutes, and sing the Cars song. Kev will do his shtick with his wrestling friend where he punches him in the stomach as hard as he can. The guy seems not to feel it. 

         Maybe such dorkishness will be a nice change of pace. Also, now that I have a little cash-nowhere their money, of course-she might like that a little better. I mean the one thing she certainly doesn't want is a guy who wants her money. 
Good luck, dude, go for it! Oh, but wait. Her kids. Darnit!
Actually, the one thing I'm less sure about is her kids. I have nothing against them, but it does seem that she's so involved with them she has no time for Scott. I don't think he's blameless-and naturally I'm going to take Kourtney's side no matter what-but I feel for the guy the way she makes him sleep in another room every night.
So yeah, he's coming back to the Hamptons in a "couple weeks" to stalk her again. That didn't take long, did it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Hamptons Has New Artwork To Get Pissed About!

In 2010 it was Larry Rivers' legs sculpture in Sag Harbor that got all the local blue hairs in a twist, diming the sculpture to Code Enforcement and getting it removed.

Now it's Westhampton Beach's turn to have a holy conniption over the one thing that might actually make Westhampton Beach interesting to visit again.

 This is "Walking Man," a 30-foot aluminum sculpture by New York-based artist Donald Baechler. The sculpture was erected in the roundabout located near Westhampton's Gabreski airport, a sort of welcome committee for those who get off the County Road 31 exit on Sunrise Highway.

It's "Peanuts" meets Jeff Koons, in our Joe-the-Plumber approach to art appreciation.
"Balloon Dog" by Jeff Koons
 The installation was made possible by a commission from Rechler Equity Partners, the development company that is doing a lot more landscape-altering shit to the Hamptons than this walking Charlie Brown character rising up out of the middle of an air force base. But no matter, the residents are in a tizzy and they want it taken down.

Describing the sculpture as "ugly" and "in your face," one resident in the New York Post article from Taylor Vecsey of the East Hampton Star even volunteered to donate a crane and wrecking ball. Slow down, Rob Swanson Jr. We all know there hasn't been a wrecking ball in the Hamptons in some time and all you contractors have the foreclosure proceedings to prove it!

Which brings us to our finest point. In his stand-up routine Lewis Black talks about how small towns ought to build a "big fucking thing." Doesn't matter what it is, so long as it's big, and it's a fucking thing. Because everyone will drive out to see the big fucking thing, and then want to spend the night, which will lead to a Big Fucking Thing Hotel, and then a Big Fucking Thing-themed restaurant, a Big Fucking Thing Spa! And that's how you stimulate the economy.

Ever stop to consider, Westhampton, that this might be your big fucking thing?

"Where is the public forum?" wrote Cynthia McAvoy Schunk on the Westhampton Chamber of Commerce Facebook page.

Oh shut up, Westhampton.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Is Irma Herzog Really Renting The DASH Space For Free?

We're not sure if this could possibly be true, but Page Six is reporting (while in the process of reporting a silly non-story about Kourtney Kardashian not tipping the wait staff at the Driver's Seat) that the Kardashians are renting their space from Driver's Seat owner Irma Herzog for free.

Is this true? Man, that's some hippie shit right there. We're going to try and reach out to Herzog for comment, but that would seem like an odd business strategy. Sure having them there brings foot traffic to the Driver's Seat for hungry stalkers, but renting out an entire space on Jobs Lane for nary a dime? How could she swing that?

Let us know if there's any truth to this, or if the New York Post is doing what the New York Post is good at doing. Making shit up.

As for the main part of the story: in all likelihood, if they were filming a scene for their stupid show, the production staff probably handled the bill and tip, so that whoever was being shot in the scene didn't have to reach into their wallet and go through all the rigmarole. Calm down people.

How Many Dead? So Sad. Hey, Buy My Album!

File this one under "unimpressed releases." We want you to meet Michael Weiskopf. If there is a poor man's Bob Dylan, Michael Weiskopf is that person's poor man. Oh the plight of musicians; they grind it out for years hoping to get their big break. Fortunately the internet has provided a myriad of opportunities to expose that desperation. It's hard to draw attention to your work. And when the going gets tough, the tough capitalize on mass murder in the form of a badly written press release to increase SEO, draw people searching for information on the crime and get them to check out your latest song that's loosely related to gun violence.

What? Isn't that what they do?

So Michael Weiskopf, whose website is here, wrote a song in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre called "Guns Don't Kill." From what we've gathered after spending literally dozens of seconds researching this guy is that he's based out of the Hamptons. His website is created by Hamptons Web Design, and he has radio appearances centered out east.

Today, he accidentally decided to promote his music with this headlined release: "Latest Shooting Underscores New Anti-NRA Rant." 

OK, first: calling your song a "rant" is probably not the best tactic. Secondly, the lead graf calls attention to the recent shooting in "Santa Monica."

On May 23, a young man in Isla Vista, Cal. went on a shooting and stabbing spree reportedly because he kept striking out with women. Whatever the matter, he senselessly took six lives and wounded a number of others before finally turning the gun on himself. He committed this crime near UC Santa Barbara and one of his targets was a sorority house off campus.

Santa Barbara. Not Santa Monica. Which is not that bad of a mistake unless you're writing this press release as your attempt to mark your solidarity and empathy for the victims. Oh wait.

Then there's this to consider. One year ago this week, there WAS a mass shooting in Santa Monica, where another six people were killed, (including the shooter) making it entirely plausible that this "gaffe" was in fact, no mistake, but a press release that was repurposed and sent out again in the wake of the Santa Barbara killings.

So you're capitalizing on TWO mass murders? And you don't even have the decency of a proofreader to make sure your opportunism isn't so transparent?

Oh self-promotion: I love you. Oh Hamptons: I love you more!

Monday, June 9, 2014

New Polls, New Polls!!

Our wildly successful poll section has been updated for the first time in a long time.

Our questions:

1: How many bimbos will stalk the outside of "Dash" (the Kardashian's new mafia front) to snap a selfie this weekend?

2: What type of events would you mark your calendars for this summer?

Take our poll and we'll add up the results. Or, you know. Ignore our poll and be like the remaining 7.1358 billion people on Earth.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Why Can't 'DASH' Go Through What Bookhampton Is Going Through?

Oh, this damn illiterate country. There's something just gut-cringing and teeth-gnashing about witnessing first-hand as people who either haven't earned, or don't deserve financial success celebrating their windfall, while earnest people have to beg in the streets.

And that's just what booksellers across America are doing. Recently the New York Times published an article on the absolute endangered species that bookstores in Manhattan have become, as each one falls victim to the $40,000 per month rent vs. two people bought something this week paradigm. In Manhattan, bookstores are down by 60%.

We initially rejoiced when Borders went belly-up, thinking that this would reopen the market to independent, mom-and-pops stores. No. People just don't read anymore. That's an overstatement, but you get the point. You know there is a cultural brain drain when it comes to the written word when Snooki's novel outsells Cormac McCarthy and Toni Morrison. It seems "You've Got Mail" only got it half-right. Perhaps the chain stores were our enemy in the late 90s, but a greater enemy seems to be our complete antipathy toward the written word unless it has been ghost written for movie stars and reality TV bimbos.

Which is why we are not surprised, but greatly saddened to receive this plea from the owner of Bookhampton, Charline Spektor:

Dear Friends and Neighbors and BookLovers: 

The most wonderful part of owning BookHampton has been the discovery of 
new books and the camaraderie of fellow readers. The saddest part is the 
awareness that all things, even those we cherish most, have days that are 

The frozen Winter and this very chilly Spring caught BookHampton in a 
grip that has brought us to our knees. We’re fighting to have one more 
Summer, and not to be bowed by the writing on the wall that forced our 
colleagues to close their doors. In NYC alone: Coliseum Books, Gotham, 
Endicott, Shakespeare & Co., Murder Ink, the lovely Madison Avenue 
Bookshop, the incomparable Books & Co., BN Lincoln Center and now 
Rizzoli – all gone. 

A good friend asked if there’s anything that we can do to hold on to 
BookHampton. As I tried to find one more answer, the brilliant metaphor of 
the great writer Anne LaMott came to mind. “My brother,” she wrote in 
Bird by Bird, “was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three 
months to write. It was due the next day… he was at the kitchen table close 
to tears… immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father 
sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 
'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'" 

So here then is my answer and a heartfelt request: Could you please help us 
take on the enormous challenge of saving BookHampton book by book. If 
every one of our friends, neighbors, and booklovers would be so kind as to 
buy one book today, it would make a true and immediate difference: 

Please take a moment to order just one book right now from BookHampton 
Any book at all. 

Tell us the book you’re looking for or let us make a great recommendation. 
We’ll hold it in store or ship it anywhere! 
Or call us : (631) 324-4939 or (631) 488-5953. 

BookHampton is the literary cornerstone of our community; 
the beach, the farms, and this bookstore enrich all our lives 
and nourish our souls. 

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time today to save BookHampton 
book by book. 

 and Chris, Billy, Kim, Taylor, Mary, Sarah, Greg, Kate, Ken 

But, you know. Go ahead and shop at DASH. The Kardashians could use the money.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Pub Crawls Made Easier With Hamptons Hopper?

This summer the Hamptons will be graced with an alternative to Pink Tuna and the Hampton Jitney. Some whippersnapper entrepreneurs have come up with the Hamptons Hopper, a new venture designed to ferry drunk and self-important Abercrombie models to all the night spots from Montauk to Hampton Bays.

Using converted school buses (we can't wait to see the fashionistas try to look cool getting on the small bus), the Hamptons Hopper buses are painted green and boast air conditioning, lounge seating and plugins for iPhones.

In fact, the whole venture is very tech-savvy. Of course, like any business in the Hamptons, you can't just get on the friggin thing; you have to have a "membership," which starts at $20 and your membership card is basically showing the driver your iPhone.

In June, Hamptons Hopper plans to launch an iPhone App that allows you to track when and where the next small bus is heading your drunken way.

They're also hiring. On Board Ambassadors, for one, which is a dick title. You'd be more like a stewardess catering to 20-something booze floozies, but it's a living.

Planning to ride this new bus? Send us pictures and let us know if it's worth the membership. In the meantime, check out their website and Facebook page.

To be fair, I was sort of with this idea until I read: "You will have access to some complimentary refreshments.  Most importantly, you’ll meet a whole bunch of other intelligent and incredibly good-looking members at our stops and on our Hopper vehicles!"

What would a new Hamptons venture be without channeling its inner Derek Zoolander? Answer: one you didn't want to punch in the dick.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Kardashian's Landlord Hounded For Trying To Earn A Buck

So once again we are faced with the completely illogical phenomenon that is the Kardashians. Specifically we're referring to how successful their TV show is, despite the fact that seemingly the whole world wants them to pretty much die.

Fresh off totally reliable news outlet  Page Six of the New York Post, the villagers of Southampton are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches to snuff out Irma Herzog. Her crime? Not responsibly going on welfare for the greater good of Keeping Out With the Kardashians. Herzog is the owner of The Driver's Seat and apparently the space adjacent to the long-standing eatery, which she rented out to the Kardashian girls for their pop-up store "Dash," which they'll be running for the duration of their reality TV show: "Muppets Take The Hamptons." 

Come on. Girl gotta eat.

Ever since word got out that Herzog dared to make a buck by leasing the space, she's been the subject of "harassment and torment," according to the article, which also quoted Jerry Della Femina, who oddly enough didn't blame Obama for the rented space. "She should be brought up on charges," said Della Femina, the Hamptons' resident right-wing lunatic. Suddenly he's anti-capitalism. Funny how that works.

[Hand raised]
-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, do you have a question?

HB: We the people of Southampton honestly think the entire production, public relations, advertising and network team that runs the Kardashian TV franchise would just pack up their trailers and cameras and leave because they couldn't find a place to rent?

-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, yes, they apparently did.

[Face palm]


We don't watch any of the Kardashian shows, so could someone tell us if Kourtney has trouble walking or something? Why is it that every picture of the two girls in the Hamptons shows Khloe leading her sister around like a pet Orangutan?


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Note To Hipsters At Ruschmeyers: Drink Up Quick!

Credit: Trip Advisor
Why? According to this article in the New York Post, your favorite unwashed but actually privileged watering hole in Montauk is losing its liquor license tomorrow!

According to reports, the owner, Ed Scheetz, is fighting $7,500 worth of noise ordinance fines stemming from the late night revelry going on in the joint. If he doesn't pony up the cash by June 6, his license will be pulled.

Let's see that gives you 1 to 2 hours to ride your bikes there, minus roughly 30 minutes of beard grooming in the bathroom, minus 18 minutes of accumulated selfie time, less Tweets and Instagram posts. Yeah, about 7 to 8 hours of quality ironic drinking and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Also, fuck noise ordinances. Also, fuck Hamptons residents who fail to realize that if it was quiet out there, they'd be on welfare year-round.

Hamptons Architect Sentenced In Child Porn Case

Call him creepier than your average pedophile, which is quite an accomplishment. Jay Lockett Sears, the architect who reportedly designed homes in the Hamptons for Michael J. Fox and Clint Eastwood among others, was sentenced a few day ago for his nastly little child pornography photoshopping habit.

Photoshopping, you say? Yeah, apparently this creepster with a Mark Twain-Tom Wolfe-Santa Claus fetish vibe, was taking pictures of kids in public and then photoshopping himself and other adults into the harmless photo, making it, yeah...really not harmless anymore. Yick. This strikes us here at Hamptonyte as oddly creepier than a guy in a van with fists full of candy.

In either event, Sears was sentenced to six months house arrest and five years probation, according to the Associate Press.

Looks like the judge was on his own "Mission of Kindness." See what I did there? For background, check out this article by Erica Jackson at the Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch, back when there was an Erica Jackson at Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch. Or any Patch for that matter. The best is the closing quote from Vincent Cinque, who had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Angel's Wings back in the 5th grade.

"When he came to talk to us back in elementary school, he was just plain creepy," he said.

Creepy? What gave it away? The all white suits? The wings? The Cheshire grin? The cane? The camera snapping away pictures of girls at beach parties? What shocked us here at Hamptonyte is that anyone could see this guy around and NOT think he's a pedophile.Yes, we're shocked by people's shock.

On the bright side, if you're looking for an architect in the Hamptons, we know one who'll be home every day until December.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The Last 24, Kardashian Style

So we are Jack's complete lack of surprise as far as the Kardashians filming a reality show in the Hamptons this summer, which is why we've been quiet about it. It will always baffle us how many people hate the Kardashian family, the brand, the KKK charm of their names, everything the Kardashians do or say or marry or fuck or shop for or rent out. Recent reports say that some realtors and homeowners wouldn't rent or represent the Kardashian girls when their producers were house-hunting for the show. Okay, so we all collectively agree they're wretched people and culturally reject them. Then why in Sam's friggin hell do they continue to have a successful show? If we hate them, why are we watching them? Why have they not fallen onto the ash heap of history?

One of life's mysteries. Anyhoo, for all the hate, there sure is some Twitter buzz already about these dopey broads. Dana Shaw for the win:
Chloe Foerster for the loss:
Ducking into doorways much? Not much, much too much.
Natalie also wants us to know she shopped at DASH, the Kardashian's totally unscripted for real, just happened to be opening anyway and the producers showed up - storefront next to the Driver's Seat in Southampton.

And, finally, the predictable, I was skeptical of the Kardashians, but now they meet my approval nobody needs, Tweet:
Boy I can really feel the hate. Grow some, America!