Friday, October 29, 2010

Election FAIL: Altschuler Endorses Bishop

And runs against him. This accidentally hilarious account of the Bishop/Altschuler smackdown ran in the East Hampton Star last week.

After blowing off the Daughters of the American Revolution, or Mothers Without Jobs, or whatever that organization was that Altschuler stood up like prom night, he and incumbent Congressman Tim Bishop finally had their debate. The venue was the Southampton Community Center in Hampton Bays. Bishop had home-field advantage. Big Time. And Altschuler's attempt to condescendingly frame Bishops platform blew up in his face. Big Time.

"If you want to continue the policies of the Obama and Pelosi administration -- if you want Obamacare, cap and trade, car check and further bailouts then you should vote for Tim Bishop." The loud applause and cheers of many in the room indicated that they planned to do that.

There's a reason why, when Rudy Giuliani ran for mayor, he didn't shout:

"If you want porno shops at every corner, strippers giving lapdances in every other establishment, beers in public streets, and the ability to smoke week in a consequence-free environment, then vote for David Dinkins!"

Friday, October 22, 2010

How To Unwind From Your Sexual Harrassment Suit

Meet the woman who ruined sexual harrassment lawsuits for everybody. This is Kristy Fraser-Kirk, and everybody is mad at her because she filed suit against her employer (David Jones Ltd.) for an obscene amount of money: $37 million Australian dollars. Which in U.S. dollars is like 20 bucks.

Everyone is pissed because she settled out of court and only walked away with two things: 1. the CEO of the mega-department store chain, Mark McInnes, got shitcanned, and 2. $850,000. In reality, about $500,000 after she pays her legal and publicity team.

Apparently this was a huge case in Australia, which means nobody knows about it here in the States. Fraser-Kirk was swamped with paparazzi and media hounds at every turn (hence the publicist she just had to have). Footnote: she worked as a publicist for David Jones Ltd. So why the publicist? Sigh.

Now, according to the Business Spectator, part of her damages claim includes a trip to East Hampton "in order to escape enormous media attention." Before that trip, she also went to London for allegedly the same reason. You know what else escapes enormous media attention? Not filing a suit worth $37 million when you make less than $70,000 a year! What were you going to do with that money Kristy, build your own church?!

Also. Something tells us "enormous media attention" is precisely what she doesn't want to avoid. Really? East Hampton? Of all the places in the world to hide out, your number one choice is London and your number two choice is East Hampton in the summertime? Of course it is, what are we thinking. After all, your name is hyphenated. Grrrrrrrr. Here's a list of places to really unwind if your aim is to lay low.

1. The Outback. Not the steakhouse, the actual rugged terrain that stretches for hundreds of miles in every direction and, for the record, is right in your own back yard!
2. Tasmania. Short flight. No one goes there.
3. New Zealand. Our recommendation is to skip the High Pass and seek refuge in the great Dwarf palace of Khazad-dum.
4. If you insist on blessing us with your presence: Maza, North Dakota. Population: 5.
5. Wyoming. The least populated state in America. But probably the most conservative too, so your hyphenated name may get you shot.
6. Kolyma, Siberia. Just the word Siberia should explain it all.
7. The Himalayas. Find a sherpa. Don't let him feel you up.

Send a post card, Kristy. And bill the postage to David Jones Ltd.

How To Turn Suck-Up In A Single Blog Post

Meet Patrick McLaughlin. He's another one of these corporate tigers who got tired of the rat race and one day did something rash about it by quitting his job and retreating to his summer home in the Hamptons to live (gulp) year-round. For real. It's like converting to Hare Krishna, only instead of shedding all possessions, you shed only New York City possessions. It's like converting to Hare Krishna, only instead of denying the self, you promote yourself. It's like converting to Hare Krishna, only instead of meditation on spiritual matters, you meditate on where to make your next dinner reservations. It's like converting to Hare Krishna if there was a special temple for douchebags.

So McLaughlin is one of those guys. The guy who claims he's sick of it all and vows to live a simpler life, roaming around the quaint, lonesome towns of Sag Harbor and East Hampton and pointing at things to go see, do, eat, and hear. He's also a movie critic, apparently. He also doesn't know that October 13, 2010 doesn't fall on a Friday.

So he runs a blog called Hamptons Chatter, and it's all about him and his stupid observations. And apparently one of his observations is that he was quite frankly underwhelmed by Sex and the City 2. We're supposed to be so shocked by this reaction that we fail to notice we're talking about a man...who went into a movie theater...walked up to the glass window...and purchased a ticket to see Sex and the City (1 or 2, it doesn't matter).

But now he's changed his mind. He LOVES Sex and the City 2! He HEARTS Sex and the City 2, Sex and the City 2 is one of his all-time faves. Why the sudden 180? He met Sarah Jessica Parker the other night in Manhattan, and she was nice.

That's it. The only reason. Really, Patrick? You're that much of a star-f***er that you changed your opinion of a movie, simply because you rubbed elbows with one of its stars? And you want to publish that?

What's worse is that the rest of his blog attempts to list 13 other things he's "decided to be nice" about, in honor of this past Friday the 13th, which it wasn't, and the list dishes out back-handed compliments that are nothing more than masked insults. And when a commenter called him out on the fact that he claimed it was Friday the 13th (it wasn't), he told the commenter to lighten up. Lighten up...and...what, Patrick? Say it was Friday the 13th when it wasn't? I'm sorry is knowing last Friday's date a sign of being too uptight?


So in a blog post about being nice, he ultimately is only nice about one thing. Sarah Jessica Parker and her destroyer-of-New York City-film franchise. And that, my friends, is how to expose yourself as a suck-up in one simple blog post.
P.S.: He also Tweets about where he's going to be every five seconds in case someone gives a crap.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Jay Flagg, Inventor of Real Estate, Can Not Be Stopped

You might slow him down. But he'll catch up. And when he does, he will drag your soul through the slime, flame, and ash of Hades. You will bargain with his red face, but his grinning maw will force you to surrender all hope.

We can now officially say "mogul." This is the mogul we blogged about back in July. Jay Flagg dared to fly too close to the sun, and the powers that be at Prudential Douglas Elliman melted his wings and he plummeted to the earth to live among us mortals. But the folks at PDE were not aware that, like Rocky Balboa, he spent his time down here lifting logs and trudging through snow, and chasing chickens. And now, like the phoenix of old, he has risen from the ashes.

According to this press release from Saunders & Associates, Flagg was discovered cowering behind their building, using the dumpster cover to shelter him from the falling rain. Founder Andrew Saunders was holding the Wall Street Journal over his head and skipping quickly to his Jag when he saw Flagg.

"Are you lost?" he asked. "Do you know where your parents are?" Flagg wiped his runny nose with a dirty sleeve and said nothing. Saunders reached out to grab Flagg's hand, but Flagg quickly bit him and slithered deeper into the recess of the alleyway.

Eventually he was lured out with some warm milk and given a desk, and a new tie, and a hot towel shave, and a Rolodex.

Now the world must prepare, for he is back! Jay Flagg is back! And ready to put his name as big as he wants on as many advertisements as he wants! But Andrew Saunders doesn't know this yet. No one does. Andrew Saunders does not realize the demon he has unleashed. The wrath he has loosed upon the four corners of the earth. He doesn't realize his own doom. The doom of his advertisements. And when the time comes, he may be powerless to do anything.

Said Jay Flagg: "I have decided to join Saunders because of their proven ability to provide superior experiences for clients and customers but most of all for how their talented marketing and technology team empowers their agents and anticipates their needs. Saunders has become 'the' luxury real estate brand and it will be refreshing to work in a company that is entirely focused on the Hamptons instead of an after-thought which is typical of the New York City centric brokerages."

Not a word about how he was shitcanned for boldfacing his name on PDE's ads. Such is the genius of this magnificent bastard!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Dan's Papers Guide to Payola

In the news gathering business, you might hear the term "separation of church and state" bandied about. Basically it's an editorial policy that prevents the advertising sales team from influencing editorial decisions up to and including which stories to run. So, for example, your newspaper is about to run a scathing story on the shady business practices of Acme Inc. But your top ad salesperson knocks on your office door and says, "listen, Acme Inc. spends $1 million dollars a year in advertising with us. If you run this story, we're gonna lose that revenue for good."

The answer is supposed to be: too bad. In fact, the separation of church and state is so important to most newspapers that if the above scenario ever did play out, that ad salesperson could very well be fired just for approaching the editor or reporter.

It also works in reverse. Newspapers aren't ethically supposed to hang editorial coverage as a carrot above the head of businesses as a way to entice them to advertise. Even the appearance of payola will often cause editors who might assign a story on, let's say, termite prevention, to run down the list of exterminators advertising with their paper and then pick a source for the story NOT on the list. Definitely NOT on the list. It's also the reason no reporter worth his/her salt would ever walk over to the advertising department for a source contact on a given subject. Even if there isn't any sort of agreement between a business and a local newspaper, the use of a business as a source when that same business advertises with the paper would give too much of the appearance of impropriety for any newspaper to take the risk.

Well...any newspaper except for Dan's Papers, apparently. In the September 24 issue of that paper Dan's ne'er-do-well son David Lion wrote a story on kitchen renovations for their House & Home Guide. The piece is nothing short of an advertorial for Smith River Kitchens in East Hampton. It's even in the headline! Getting Your Kitchen On with Smith River Kitchens. It ran on page 34.

Wethinks that odd. Very odd. Untils we turn to page 37. A full-page advertisement for Smith River Kitchens! Separation of Church and State, David. Learn it. Love it. Live it.

Former Provost Of College Has Trouble With Academic Citation

Or...Congressman Tim Bishop is a snake like every other politician trying to run for re-election.

As an alumnus of Southampton College, the degree hanging on my wall is beginning to have less and less meaning with each passing day of this political season. Have you seen this? It's a political ad approved by Tim Bishop in which he accuses his Republican opponent, Randy Altschuler of outsourcing American jobs to other countries around the world.

The ad comes replete with grainy video footage of Altschuler speaking to what appears to be local businessmen about his company (Office Tiger) and its ability to save them money by shipping back-office support positions to other regions of the world, such as India, and the Philippines.

Then he pulls out a quote Altschuler gave the Financial News in 2003. "In India you get a much higher standard of person than in America," the full-screen reads. What a scumbag, right? Saying Indian workers are better than us? And now he wants us to vote for him!?

Only. The ellipsis troubled me. You know, the "dot, dot, dot" after the word "doing?" That couldn't have been a pause on Altschuler's part. And if it was, what journalist would have inserted the pause? Something was fishy. So I did about five seconds of research through my local library and I found the article in question, from the March 23, 2003 edition of Financial News.

Here's what Altschuler said in the article. "In India you get a much higher standard of person doing assistant work."
That was it. The Bishop ad cuts the qualifying term "assistant" and then adds what their Cap N' Crunch invisible ink detector apparently picked up on the page hiding "than in America."
Or, more likely, Altschuler never said "than in America." And he was talking about assistant work, not ALL work. This also followed that quote from Financial News:

"Altschuler says banking staff in Western financial centres need not be concerned about losing their jobs. Instead they should be pleased that the roles remaining in the West will be of higher calibre. He says: "People in New York and London will be working in higher-end areas. There will be more need for people with higher education-employees are going to have to get smart."

I know Tim Bishop was the provost of a failed college and all, but come on. Tim. A quotation is word-for-word. That's why it's in quotes. And next time you're going to lie to us about something your opponent didn't say: do yourself a huge favor and don't bother providing the citation.

In other news...Randy Altschuler is a huge outsourcing douche. Don't vote for him.