Monday, February 28, 2011

The Weakonomy: Naming Names

So we got a kick out of this article on, not because we don't think Lehman Bros. royally screwed people out of their future, but because, as a society, we've evolved to the point of stalking Lehman Bros. employees.
Meet Lehman Executive Erin Callan and her hunky piece of Queens firefighter love-hunk Anthony Montella (pictured here). They're enjoying themselves on a beach. Just look at her. She looks happy. Which is against the rules for executives at Lehman Bros., Goldman Sachs, or any of the investment companies that made us so proud to be little entrepreneurs.
Apparently Ms. Callan is named in a lawsuit filed by the California Public Employees' Retirement System, which, without even reading the details of the suit, sounds painful to think about. (Read: please don't tell me Lehman Bros. ransacked peoples' pensions.) Ms. Callan is one of three executives named in the suit, so decided to go dumpster diving on their asses.
No news regarding the other two, but they did get some sweet photographs of Callan and her boy-toy living it up in East Hamptons, dipping their toes in the sand. Callan poses with her head cocked, puppy-love style. Montella still has that look of disbelief prevalent on the faces of many wonks who bag themselves a financial whale. That "pinch-me-this-can't-be-happening" look. Ah, the lifestyles of the rich and morally bankrupt.
In addition to this bit of paparazzi scandal, the article also unearthed a montage of photos published on Webshots that Montella took of Callan's East Hampton home, which was on sale for a very modest $3.75 million, then pulled from the market and put back on the market for an inexcusable $3.9 million, and then pulled from the market and put back on for a more realistic and feasible $3.6 million. Be right back, I gotta go hit a cash machine.
As it stands, the house is back off the market and it appears Ms. Callan will remain in East Hampton, holed up with her hunky firefighter-man, (who may come in handy should Californian pensioners decide to come burn her house down). And lastly, but more importantly, her boyfriend has a Twitter account.
Tweeting? Really? The jury's still out on whether or not to behead you both.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Bruce Buschel's Special Whine

This week we learned that Bruce Buschel, the thin-skinned owner of Southfork Kitchen in Bridgehampton, Googles himself. Or has his name on Google Alerts. Hi, Bruce.
We got a nice note from him in the comments section of our last blog post, which might have actually helped call attention to his need for added staff. No matter. He took issue with...whatever:

To Whom It May Concern,
Returning to Southfork Kitchen in mid-March will be the executive chef, sous chef, chef de partie, beverage manager, two cooks, two servers, two runners, porters and dishwashers. We are looking for more people because we expect the spring and summer to require a larger staff than the winter, and we want to spread the good fortune. In an industry that tends to have a lot of turnover, especially in a seasonal location, we think we are doing all right. But thanks for noticing.
By the way, I was building a restaurant before I became a blogger, not the other way around. Sincerely,
Bruce Buschel
Owner, Southfork Kitchen

We continue to belly laugh every time he talks about how to run a restaurant, using all his grown-up words, and explaining the way of the world to us, like this venture isn't just another one of his dollhouses. Oh, Bruce. You were building the restaurant before you became a blogger? What that implies is that we give a rat's ass about the chronology of your life. We don't. But thanks for noticing.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Fabulosity Navel-Gazers Wanted

Either there are not enough, or there can never be too many, we're not sure, but another lifestyle outlet is looking for another lifestyle writer to contribute to another lifestyle blog that covers the fabulous lifestyles of the absolutely fabulous this summer.

We found this posting on Craigslist while looking for actual real work. Haute Living is looking to extend its coverage of the most important unimportant people as they take their importance east for the summer.

Why should you? The perks, people, the perks!
  • invites to the hottest parties (pretty important)

  • a chance to write for an "established brand" like Haute Living (very important)

  • opportunities to make "high-end" contacts (how high-end? How about Gwyneth Paltrow's pool-boy?!)

  • a way to expand your online presence (the most important)

  • an opportunity to fine-tune your suicide note

Good luck. But remember, you must be willing to document your drool on Facebook. And the Twitter.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Work For A NYTimes Blogger, Turned Restaurant Owner!

Bruce Buschel, the restaurant owner who recently bitched out readers on his New York Times blog You're The Boss, is now looking to hire just about every position it takes to run a restaurant. Why? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that he posts the personal woes of his employees on his blog. Or maybe it has something to do with his overall lack of sympathy for staffers who believe that if they get behind the wheel in the midst of an east-end snowstorm, they'll die. Or maybe it's because he assumes his servers, by nature of their lowly stations, will never attend a book release party, or film premiere.

Either way, he's looking to fill the following positions. Be ready for a 10-day training period and, at the end of it, to be able to recite not only the menu, but Southfork Kitchen's "philosophy." Whatever that means. Godspeed:

He's looking for Cooks
He's looking for Front Of The House staff
He's looking for a Dining Room Manager

Saturday, February 19, 2011

East Hampton Angry It Doesn't Get To Be Special

So, last year, even though helicopters have been in existence for a long time, helicopters suddenly became too noisy to bear. All the residents in East Hampton who flew there by helicopter, went out in their back yards, looked up at the sky and frowned at all the noisy helicopters. So they formed a committee, called the Permission to Use Anti-Aircraft Ground Artillery Committee. It was exclusively an East Hampton committee, because, basically, the only people who can afford to fly above the bridge and tunnel crowd heading out to the Hamptons, can also afford to live in East Hampton. They were all set to submit recommendations to the FAA to curb the noise that was clearly ruining their already difficult sunning, bathing, tennis, equestrian, partying, catered-lunch lives.

Then the rug got pulled out from under them, and the Permission to Use Anti-Aircraft Ground Artillery Committee got disbanded in favor of a committee that is made up of people from a number of townships on the East End, including (gulp) the very black, fairly poor, Riverhead.

Now the East Hampton committee, which was informed by the town board it wasn't special at a meeting last week, is completely livid. They feel like a multi-town approach would have "competing interests"--mainly, East Hampton's interest in seeing the helicopters buzz very black, fairly poor Riverhead and those hicks in Southold rather than them. If Riverhead and Southold are allowed to have voices in the new committee, they might actually prevent East Hampton residents from being able to fly into their homes without the troublesome inconvenience of noise. To that end, members of the now disbanded committee want this new committee to carry with it a majority East Hampton representation.

“There was no willingness to consider routes that would spread the noise,” Mr. Ehrens wrote in his letter, noting that “even then, one of the towns [Riverhead] failed to sign on.”

So Riverhead was basically saying, look...nobody who flies out here from the city is daring to get in a cab and visit very black Riverhead. The helicopter passengers are primarily East Hampton residents, so why should we allow those helicopters to fly over our airspace when the passengers aren't even coming here to live, or spend their dollars?

Oh, shut up, Riverhead.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Alec Baldwin For Town Troubadour

So far he's taught a class at Southampton College (when it was a college still), played a lead role in Equis at Guild Hall in East Hampton, and sits on committees all over the east end. Last week we saw him changing someone's tire on Jobs Lane while delivering mail on his usual route.
Now, according to the East Hampton Star, the actor/activist/professor/political-hopeful/tire-changer/mail-deliverer is going to read sections of "Huckleberry Finn," at Bookhampton in East Hampton tomorrow at 4 p.m.
Someone hand this guy a guitar and plop him in the middle of a gazebo somewhere.
In other news, exit polls will show that 90% of the audience at this Bookhampton event will have no idea what Huckleberry Finn is, or who wrote it. Or when. But 100% of the audience WILL have a camera in their hand.

Copywright Alert! Don't You Dare Steal This Word

The "Hamptons Business Strategy" strikes again. This time a baker posted this press release announcing her very exciting move to Sunset Avenue in Westhampton. But this is just not any store. No. It's a cupcakery, where she specializes in "Cuptails." And if we knew how to put the little "TM" in the upper right-hand corner of the word, we would. As it stands, we're risking serious jail time for copyright infringement, because she actually, very seriously, quite intentionally TRADEMARKED the term "Cuptail." Perhaps we'll just shorten the font. CuptailsTM.
There you go.

Sign your trademarked product isn't going to catch on? Having to explain what the heck it is in the subheading of your press release:

"Cuptail™ Hour Has Arrived in the Hamptons
Cupcake Lounge™ Capitalizes on the Cupcake Craze with Cuptails™. Combine Cupcakes with Cocktails and you Get Cuptails™, Cupcakes for Adults"
Meh. And exactly how many TM's do you need to put at the end of your unfortunately trademarked word in a press release? One. Not EVERY time you mention the word. ONCE. That's right, PR flack extraordinaire. Take you finger off the "insert symbol" tab...and slowly back away.
Anyhow, the cupcakeTM place held an opening receptionTM last week at the Hamptons Wine ShoppeTM in WesthamptonTM. Did anyone attendTM? E-mailTM us and let us knowTM.
In related news: there already exists "cupcakes for adults." It's called whiskey and cigarettes.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Blog That Keeps On Giving

We love Patrick McLaughlin, and his blog, Hamptons Chatter, which, like Patrick himself, underwent a facelift recently. Bravo!

This week's installment is one of those blog posts that give pretext for the author to go on about his social status. We're all impressed with his former Upper West Side address, just as we are impressed with his unproven taste in restaurants. was nice to hear about some restaurants that deliver to your door, and Patrick supplies a nice list, even if, in the middle of a post about how lazy he is to get in his car to satiate himself, he tells his readers to get off our lazy butts and look up the phone numbers and addresses of the eateries.

Of course he did. What would a self-important, superior Patrick McLaughlin blog post be without a little Grrrrrr in it?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Calm-ents: Time To Play "Name That Tool"

We knew it wouldn't be long before someone with a serious case of self-delusion, brought on by parabens from the tanning booth saturating an already fragile brain, would jump onto the comments section of our recent post regarding the hopefully upcoming reality show "Strong Island." And that delusional asshat didn't disappoint.

Anonymous said...
This show will blow up just like Jersey Shore. I hope to be on it, and then I hope to walk into your office and show you my fat paycheck, now that should give you something to write about.

Well, "Anonymous," (and your name is very fitting) here's to hoping that you are on anything...television or otherwise...that blows up.

For bonus points, feel free to give this guy a name. I vote for Joey Basement.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Another Loss In Hamptons' War Against Convenience

Unbelievably, this is the SECOND 7-11 store slated to open in recent history, and quite frankly it's an outrage! What do these people think, we LIKE being able to grab a cup of coffee past 6 p.m.? Or get our hands on some NyQuil when our cough wakes us up in the middle of the night? Or grab some snacks at 4 a.m. when we're about to embark on a road trip?

They must. They must think that. But guess what? We don't. So to the construction worker that thankfully spilled the beans to a community activist in Amagansett, and let us all know that they're building another 7-11, we salute you. You tipped us off to the War-of-the-Worlds-like invasion. If you have any sense of decency at all, you'd quit that job. Or chain yourself to a bulldozer. And chant in unison with the rest of us: "Heck no, we won't get a bag of charcoal when we run out in the middle of having guests!" Too many syllables. Keep it here, we'll work on something.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Hamptonyte Blog Reaches 100 Posts!

Yay! Perhaps we should draft up a phony press release and put it on the wires!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hamptons Restauranteur Gets Ugly With Commenters

Our favorite, clueless, and harmfully unhinged restaurant owner Bruce Buschel is currently engaged in a cyber-smackdown with commenters on his New York Times blog "You're the Boss: the art of running a small business."

Buschel is a recovered writer, editor, filmmaker, and whatever else draws him attention. We're still waiting for him to release his own fragrance: Eu de Poorly Run Restaurant. He owns "Southfork Kitchen," a fish-house located on what is locally referred to as the Bridgehampton Turnpike: a double-yellow stretch of highway that bypasses all the cops and the need for safe driving. His restaurant doesn't need a menu-change: it needs an overpass!

Anyway, since he opened his fish-house, (local fish only, so we hope you like Ling and Porgies) he's had the unique luxury of blogging about it in the NYT (he even had the gall to review his own restaurant!) He's an absolutely perfect specimen for the Hamptons. Except...his blog posts are kind of obnoxious. And his ideas on how to run a restaurant are kind of um...idiotic. His commenters think so, and this week Bruce decided he'd had enough, and got cunty with em'.

Exhibit A:
Dear Wasting time,
I see how you earned your name. We had 60 people coming for dinner and six staffers protesting. You would have called the guests? People get hurt on the ski slopes. You would close them down?

Exhibit B:
Our first general manager left after four months of work, one month after we opened to the public. The current manager has been with us from the git-go. Thanks for paying attention. No, really, thanks.

If people put their passion and time and money into a project, who determines if it’s a hobby or a business? I have an idea that might please you: Stop reading.

Ooh, burn. So we're trying to decipher Buschel's tack here. Either he has no concept that bitching out commenters on his blog is sort of a bad PR strategy for his restaurant, OR...he's trying to channel the success of McSorley's Ale House on 7th street, which is famous not only for its microbrew of the same name, but for its notoriously cranky bar staff. Either way, he has learned one effective strategy for running a Hamptons restaurant in January/February. Close down.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Rescue An Underprivileged Hamptons Partier Today!

It's rare that you get an opportunity like this. To help a team of struggling fame and namewhores, whose only dying wish is to repeat the glamorously good time they had last year! Guest Of A Guest (GofaG) is appealing to corporations' sense of philanthropy, by advertising for someone to "sponsor" their Hamptons party-house rental this summer.
That's right, folks. They had an amazing time last summer. Headbanging to Bon Jovi at the Talkhouse. Pretending to understand Polo in Bridgehampton. Toasting to the good life, and mainlining Bicardi and cocaine with Mary Kate Olsen until she suddenly hopped the fence and started eating her neighbor's bushes.

Now they want a repeat. A do-over. And for just the price of a cup of coffee, you can help this poor group of illiterate, and helpless souls realize their dream. A cup of coffee! A dollar a day.
We know, we're thinking: 'Why should I? What's in it for me?' GofaG has that answer!
"We are excited about a possible partnership that would bring innovative ideas to the table, and is also excited about the value we could hopefully ad to their brand."
There you go. They'll "ad" to your brand, even if they can't spell "add."
So dig deep, friends. Don't be desensitized. Don't click off this blog post because you can't emotionally handle the heartbreak. These people need your help. Think about how sad you'd be if no one came forward to sponsor your parties.