East Hampton Angry It Doesn't Get To Be Special

So, last year, even though helicopters have been in existence for a long time, helicopters suddenly became too noisy to bear. All the residents in East Hampton who flew there by helicopter, went out in their back yards, looked up at the sky and frowned at all the noisy helicopters. So they formed a committee, called the Permission to Use Anti-Aircraft Ground Artillery Committee. It was exclusively an East Hampton committee, because, basically, the only people who can afford to fly above the bridge and tunnel crowd heading out to the Hamptons, can also afford to live in East Hampton. They were all set to submit recommendations to the FAA to curb the noise that was clearly ruining their already difficult sunning, bathing, tennis, equestrian, partying, catered-lunch lives.

Then the rug got pulled out from under them, and the Permission to Use Anti-Aircraft Ground Artillery Committee got disbanded in favor of a committee that is made up of people from a number of townships on the East End, including (gulp) the very black, fairly poor, Riverhead.

Now the East Hampton committee, which was informed by the town board it wasn't special at a meeting last week, is completely livid. They feel like a multi-town approach would have "competing interests"--mainly, East Hampton's interest in seeing the helicopters buzz very black, fairly poor Riverhead and those hicks in Southold rather than them. If Riverhead and Southold are allowed to have voices in the new committee, they might actually prevent East Hampton residents from being able to fly into their homes without the troublesome inconvenience of noise. To that end, members of the now disbanded committee want this new committee to carry with it a majority East Hampton representation.

“There was no willingness to consider routes that would spread the noise,” Mr. Ehrens wrote in his letter, noting that “even then, one of the towns [Riverhead] failed to sign on.”

So Riverhead was basically saying, look...nobody who flies out here from the city is daring to get in a cab and visit very black Riverhead. The helicopter passengers are primarily East Hampton residents, so why should we allow those helicopters to fly over our airspace when the passengers aren't even coming here to live, or spend their dollars?

Oh, shut up, Riverhead.

Ted Danson. Bar Tender. Baseball Player. Marine Biologist(?)

So Oceana, the ocean conservationist group, is throwing its hat into the summer party maelstrom that is fundraising benefit galas in the Hamptons. They're trying to raise money and awareness of the dangers posed to the oceans, which incidentally make up 70% of planet earth and are loaded with autism-causing mercury, over fished dead zones, and now BP oil.

What better way to make people realize we have oceans than to throw a cocktail party in the Hamptons? And what better and more knowledgeable guest to invite to bring the press to your event than...Ted Danson?

Yeah, he's on the Oceana "board." Which is probably a really hard job and one of the reasons we haven't seen him in anything in a while. Question: is there a party going on in the Hamptons that doesn't cost at least $150? Just curious.

Committees Comedies

Hey kids, have you ever wanted to do absolutely nothing but still get credit for it? We all have. Only us grown-ups have a word for it. Committees.
Like this one, which recently launched for the Bay Street Theater. You know, that (wink, wink) beacon of cultural light that provides safe harbor for local artists, so long as by "local" we mean summer visitors, and by "artists" we mean celebrities and agent-represented actor's equity talent. Yeah, that place over in Sag Harbor.
This "Artistic Associates Committee" (AACK!!) is described by Hamptons.com as "still in development." Subtext alert! It was spontaneously conceived and will be limply executed.
So what will this newly formed (sort of) committee do? Well:

"In addition to making themselves available for performances on the Bay Street stage, this talented group of artists (Mario Cantone? Joy Behar?) are supporting Bay Street in other ways, including appearances at fundraising and cultivation events (parties) and participating in the ongoing artistic life at Bay Street (vague)."

You mean they'll have to make themselves available during summer stock to earn some extra money and then go to parties where they'll be fawned after and hounded by all the fake press that's spread all over the east end? Man, that's commitment!

Check out the article in its entirety, which comes replete with a photograph of Kim Cattrall on the set of Mannequin. (Boy she's ageless isn't she?) To answer the lede question: "What do Alan Alda, Joy Behar, Kate Burton, Zoe Caldwell, Mario Cantone, Kim Cattrall, Richard Kind, and Mercedes Ruehl all have in common?

Umm...they all just lengthened their obituaries by a sentence or two?