The Most Important Event You'll Never Go To

Mark your calendars for May 29. Then just as quickly forget about it. That's the day circus-handler Andy Cohen will be bringing his endangered Bravo creature Countess LuAnn deLesseps to co-host a charity event at the "Bridgehampton Tennis & Surf Club For Bored Housefraus Running Out Of Creative Ways To Spend Their Husband's Money."

Cohen, host of Bravo's Watch What Happens: Live!, will pull the blanket off of de Lesseps' cage some time in the late evening. She'll stare back at an audience of pearl earrings and leathery skin. Like an Egyptian tomb, only without the charm. Then she'll sing her newly released single "Money Will Buy You A Record Deal." Afterwards a muffled squawk will resound from the rafters of the beachfront venue. Everyone will look up and see a rare Spotted Kelly Bensimon hanging upside down. Her skin flaps stretched tightly over her face to conceal her from the bright lights and shimmering diamond rings. A free bottle of Moet to whomever pegs it with an ice cube.

Also in attendance: Grammy-Legend-We've-Never-Heard-Of Thelma Houston, Bethenny Frankel, John and Lorena Bobbitt, Amy Fisher, and Spuds MacKenzie. I guarantee you'll never go to this thing. But I also guarantee it will be in the photo pages of Sans Papers, so you won't have to! Press release from Media Bristro is here.