The Most Ridiculous Help Wanted Ads Pt. 1

Here at Hamptonyte we pride ourselves on our continued unemployment because it permits us the delicious advantage of reading the most amazing help wanted ads and job descriptions this side of Goebbels. We also realize our unemployment is the direct result of that "karma" Bruce Buschel an anonymous commenter left with us on our blog post about Southfork Kitchens going belly up. 

Did you know you can be a Sandwich Artist in East Hampton? Sign me up! Also, if you apply for that job try not to be shocked when they hand you an apron and tell you to make sandwiches for people who come up to the counter during lunch time. Or, as you might know them: a Deli worker.

But here's one classic example from Indeed posted by East Hampton yoga and clothing studio lululemon athletica (we don't know why they lower case their store name, but the Hamptonsdouche is so strong in this post that we felt compelled to follow suit.)

They're looking for an Educator.

An educator? They're holding classes there?

No.

Apparently that's what they call their cash register people. Note:

"Their main role is to effectively educate our guests on the fabrics, features, fit and function of our product, our culture and the communities we belong to. By educating guests we empower them to make decisions for themselves based on the facts that we offer them. By doing this, the guesswork is taken out of shopping for customers, and a ‘Wow! It’s You!’ guest experience is created, leaving customers with the knowledge to educate others on behalf of lululemon athletica."

Wow, it's you!
Wow, what horseshit!

Seriously, who writes this stuff? It goes on and on like this before they finally get down to brass tax and tell you that you'll need a High School Diploma and a good mop. Also, you'll need a "strong personal sense of style," which means you'll be judged by a panel of salad eating designer monkeys at the interview so make sure your ish is tight.

We don't want them all choking on their vitamin water now do we?

Yes. Yes we do.

Poet Harvey Shapiro: 1924-2013

We were a little bummed out to learn that noted poet and sometimes East Hampton resident Harvey Shapiro has died. The 88 year old was just a couple weeks shy of his 89th birthday. He was one of the old-school artist yeoman, an editor at multiple print publications and was devoted to letters.

I had the privilege of meeting Shapiro when he visited Southampton College to read in the mid-1990s. He committed a lot of his poems to memory and was a very open and inviting guest poet. He sat with us as young writers and was not in the least bit condescending. In hindsight, after reading his obituary in the New York Times and the East Hampton Star, I'm sort of glad I didn't realize (at 22) how important he was to literature because I probably wouldn't have mustered the courage to speak to him. As it was, we had a great conversation and he left an impression on me.

The two obits are well done. Give them a read. As for Harvey...thanks for leaving your mark before leaving.

Special election to decide if we should save homes built on sand

This isn't so much a class warfare piece, because the taxes it would affect are only for those who are directly effected by erosion, but Newsday ran an interesting news story about a vote coming up in February to decide on two $13 million plus tax levies that would pay for emergency sand drops on properties threatening to wash away in future storms.

The two votes are for districts in Bridgehampton and Sagaponack, each calling for a little over 13 million in tax increases.

Question: Where are they getting the sand from?
Answer: Beaches where poor people live.

OK, now it's a class warfare piece.

Unintended hilarity of the story: the amount of absentee ballots that will need to be sent because the vote is being held in February and rich people don't exist in the Hamptons in February.

Right-Wing Jabrone of the story: This guy-- Snafu803: Of course they should get it. They work hard and everyone is jealous they get nicer things then the average person. Who wants to go to jones beach with all the drunks and city trash. I say close jones beach and give it all to the hamptons where it will be appreciated

Hamptons deer population, sick of everybody's shit too

 We've got helicopter noise ruining everyone's life. We've got Twitter accounts documenting rich people's problems (which aren't really problems at all). We've got blogs dedicated to calling out douchebags for their douchebaggery; we've got the term "citiots." And now...the deer are getting pissed off too.

And they're droppin' many suckas, one by one. According to this East Hampton Star report, the deer out there have turned kamikaze, diving out in front of cars left and right and disabling a 2008 Porshe driven by a person who uses an acronym for a first name.

Rule #376: If you use an acronym for your first name, or if you hyphenate your last name and you drive a Porche and it gets crushed by a deer...good!

A Dodge also got jacked up. One of five other car vs. deer incidents, according to the article. The story led off with a related police report about someone it was totally a deer who abandoned a Jeep SUV on the side of the road near Stephen Hands Path. When police arrived at the scene the Jeep had been used as a battering ram for utility poles and trees. They heard a rustling noise in the woods, as though the driver of the vehicle was escaping. No human suspect has been apprehended.

Lesson to take away: Deers are totally rippin' shit up out there!

Jerry Della Femina's Problems Would Make Jesus Christ Want To Murder Him

Jerry Della Femina's idea of poverty is so rage inducing we saw the Dalai Lama read this Business Insider article and then immediately turn around and punch an infant in the face.

Della Femina, the sleazy, slimy lying gold-toothed creep ad man was one of the few Madison Avenue execs who amassed his fortune and didn't manage to blow it on a coke habit in the 80s. He's been a permanent fixture in the Hamptons since forever and even opened up a successful restaurant with the money he made convincing people with money they don't have to buy shit they don't need.

Now he's sold his house because, well, because his poor unborn great grandchildren may not be able to sit by a pool lined with the skin of Mexican day laborers while doing lines off a blonde co-ed's back. Or as we used to call it: The American Dream.

That's right, a man who lives in America in 2012, with full knowledge of how high the unemployment rate is, who no doubt had to lay off some of his own workers at his various business ventures, who flies his helicopter over thousands of foreclosed homes, has the balls to complain that he's selling because he refuses to pay more taxes under the Obama administration.

Taxes? Really? Taxes? You do realize, Della Femina, that your tax bill is probably quadruple the monthly mortgage of the average home just west of where you live, right?

Instead of feeling fortunate that he even has the money to PAY those taxes, he's selling low just to avoid them. His ginormous, disgustingly lavish, and grossly unnecessary oceanfront house went for $25 million. He wanted $40 million. But he's settling for 25. A fact that makes us just...so sad.

“I want the proceeds of this sale to go to my kids and my grandkids,” he told The Post's Jennifer Gould Keil and Selim Algar. “I don’t want my money going to Obama, and that’s what’s going to happen in the New Year. That’s why I sold right now, that’s why I wanted to get this done.”
“I’m basically the loser in Obama’s class warfare,” he added.

Wow. That really gets us...right around...the chest/heart region or thereabouts. Another loser in Obama's class warfare, according the article, is Discovery Networks CEO David Zaslav, who inherited Della Femina's meager 8 bedroom, 6.5 bathroom, heated pool-even-though-there's-a-literal-ocean-500-feet-away, mansion that sits on 1.7 acres.

On a side note, we'd like to know how an advertising/marketing guru can be this culturally tone-deaf. On a sider note, we'd like to know how Della Femina's brain didn't say to him: 'please don't call the NY Post and...say anything like what you're about to say.' On an even sider note, we'd like Della Femina to eat a bag of dicks.

East Hampton Star Tries to Say With a Straight Face That The Rich Are Genuinely Philanthropic

Exclaiming "In your face!" in its opening line, this East Hampton Star article wants you to know it will be every bit as obnoxious as...well...as its opening line.

The "in your face" taunt is aimed at HuffPo and CNBC, presumably because they are the Sean Penn and Tim Robbins of journalism--perennial bogeymen of the paranoid right. According to this piece, the national survey (reported on by HuffPo and CNBC, because...well their job is to report) about the lackluster charity offered up by the wealthiest 1% is wrong because East Hampton's 1% give more than the middle class in the same area. The article, entitled The Rich Really Do Give More, by Larry LaVigne III, is a clinic in how to manipulate statistics. And also how to be a douche. A douche, yes, but not a huge douche, for the article does have its caveats.

Anyone who lives out here knows exactly why and how the wealthy in East Hampton spend "8.5%" of their discretionary income on charity. SWAG. STEP AND REPEATS.

At the very least, this article brings in one expert who, at the very least, hints at this reality.
“The strong and welcomed presence of nonprofits and the causes they support may keep charity top-of-mind for residents, and at a certain level of income and lifestyle, philanthropy becomes a regular part of social life.”

Lavigne tries to downplay this very poignant remark by referring to these lavish parties as merely a stab at some free drinks.

 "But is it more than an open bar of top-shelf cocktails in exchange for a five- or even six-figure ticket?"

Yes it is more. It's a LOT more. And you know this, LaVigne. We've heard of some cases where the free gift bags handed out at charity events added to a total value of $15,000. Add that to the allure of being photographed by local and national press, and rubbing elbows with famous actors, musicians, reality TV stars, and you can clearly see why the well-heeled turn out in droves. And arm flab. 

Care for more BS?

Quote: “A lot of Alec Baldwin’s fans come out to show support when he is tied to an event, but we have soooo much diverse talent that works with Guild Hall,” [Barbara Jo Howard, director of marcomms at Guild Hall] said."

Translation: Alec Baldwin's draw represents 99% of the money raised, while every other program running there suffers from Giveashit-itis.

Put simply, if East Hampton's rich were so giving of their discretionary income, why does EVERY SINGLE charity event held in the Hamptons have to wheel some celebrity out in front like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs? Answer: Because nobody would go otherwise. It's not supernatural.

What? MORE BS?

Quote: Even though the wealthy may give a lesser percentage of their income elsewhere, the study finds that the richest Americans still contribute the vast majority of dollars to charitable causes.

Really. You know, I would have given my $10,000 to Save the Beleagered Manatees, but somehow my invitation to the Gala in East Hampton got lost in the mail. There's a reason why the rich give to charitable causes, because charitable causes ASK them to, you dolt!

Oh, East Hampton Star. You make me want to beat an angel to death with a little girl's puppy. 

Battle Over Who Owns God Headed For Courts

One would think that in the age of "Occupy," the 1% would just pipe down a little bit. We're sort of delighted that they haven't.

Homeowners in Napeague (aka, the 1%) are in the middle of a legal fight with the Town of East Hampton over their desire to keep all the poors off the beach they feel is rightfully theirs because they purchased it years ago from God.

The Town says the parcels along that stretch of beach were sold under the condition that beach access would not be restricted to anybody. At the time, the beach was mainly accessed by east end baymen who parked on the street and walked down to the water to go to work in the morning. As the baymen died off, and they began to gradually be replaced by fucking assholes wealthier residents, those residents decided they didn't want barnacly, old, raggedy and completely not fabulous poors wandering their beaches.

The residents of Napeague of course are arguing that the beachgoers leave behind broken bottles, and burned out cars, and dead bodies, and zombies, but nobody is buying that to date. Bottom line is, God gave them the right to close off the beaches to the stinky public and the town should honor God.

Their appeals have fallen on deaf ears in the local courts and now it's headed to another court. So the residents said, "well, can you at least temporarily bar the poors from coming here?" and the courts said...not so much.

So yeah. The public says by principle nobody should own the beach, nobody should own nature. Shut up public.

*God did not immediately return calls for comment.

Graduating from high-end prep school still means doing the 'Shocker'

The other day the Statue of Liberty welcomed behind its trailblazing torch the next line of America's white hope: East Hampton's Ross School graduating class of 2011.

The apple-cheeked and nightmare-free hopefuls will be going on to a palette of promising colleges in the fall, from American University, to Northwestern, to Columbia and Tulane. A testimony to how exclusive prep schools create an environment in which intellectual challenge can be fostered through peer success and influence. Rich parents don't hurt either.

But what's most disheartening heartening to see is that the hallowed ivy walls of privilege and circumstance, the thick, protective hedge of intellectual discourse and high-profile instruction, couldn't keep out "The Shocker" in the culmination of four years of hard work: the official graduating class photo.

Check out the kid in the front row sitting on the floor on the farthest left. One shocker wasn't enough. He had to do a double.

He's also my new hero.

Meet The New Crosswalk...Same As The Old Crosswalk

So according to the East Hampton Patch, a new local venture by the way, (welcome to the show, and prepare to be mocked), the village of East Hampton is proposing to install new lighted crosswalks at certain points along Main Street. The goal is to increase safety for pedestrians who can't decide if they want to celebrity-gawk along the west side of the road, or drink their $30 latte at a park bench on the east side.

According to Amy Tangel's article, the system will run off the old street light system, a system by which the pedestrians step out into the crosswalk without warning and assume their sense of entitlement will be enough to cause motorists to hit their brakes before Coco, the lapdog in a pink Gucci sweater, winds up under the wheel base.

(Photo Courtesy: East Hampton Patch. Meaning, we copy/pasted off their site.)

How To Unwind From Your Sexual Harrassment Suit

Meet the woman who ruined sexual harrassment lawsuits for everybody. This is Kristy Fraser-Kirk, and everybody is mad at her because she filed suit against her employer (David Jones Ltd.) for an obscene amount of money: $37 million Australian dollars. Which in U.S. dollars is like 20 bucks.

Everyone is pissed because she settled out of court and only walked away with two things: 1. the CEO of the mega-department store chain, Mark McInnes, got shitcanned, and 2. $850,000. In reality, about $500,000 after she pays her legal and publicity team.

Apparently this was a huge case in Australia, which means nobody knows about it here in the States. Fraser-Kirk was swamped with paparazzi and media hounds at every turn (hence the publicist she just had to have). Footnote: she worked as a publicist for David Jones Ltd. So why the publicist? Sigh.

Now, according to the Business Spectator, part of her damages claim includes a trip to East Hampton "in order to escape enormous media attention." Before that trip, she also went to London for allegedly the same reason. You know what else escapes enormous media attention? Not filing a suit worth $37 million when you make less than $70,000 a year! What were you going to do with that money Kristy, build your own church?!

Also. Something tells us "enormous media attention" is precisely what she doesn't want to avoid. Really? East Hampton? Of all the places in the world to hide out, your number one choice is London and your number two choice is East Hampton in the summertime? Of course it is, what are we thinking. After all, your name is hyphenated. Grrrrrrrr. Here's a list of places to really unwind if your aim is to lay low.

1. The Outback. Not the steakhouse, the actual rugged terrain that stretches for hundreds of miles in every direction and, for the record, is right in your own back yard!

2. Tasmania. Short flight. No one goes there.

3. New Zealand. Our recommendation is to skip the High Pass and seek refuge in the great Dwarf palace of Khazad-dum.

4. If you insist on blessing us with your presence: Maza, North Dakota. Population: 5.

5. Wyoming. The least populated state in America. But probably the most conservative too, so your hyphenated name may get you shot.

6. Kolyma, Siberia. Just the word Siberia should explain it all.

7. The Himalayas. Find a sherpa. Don't let him feel you up.

Send a post card, Kristy. And bill the postage to David Jones Ltd.

Hamptons Makes Two of the Top 10 Beaches You'll Never Visit

We're the 1000th outlet to report on this, but that's how we roll, journalistically. This CNN.com report lists the top 10 beaches in America, and two of them are located on the east end, with Cooper's Beach in Southampton actually nabbing the number 1 spot. Coming in 5th was East Hampton's Main Beach.

For the uninitiated, these are two beaches you can technically go to. Technically. Cooper's Beach in Southampton? $40 parking fee. Plus $125 speeding ticket.

Main Beach in East Hampton? $20 parking fee. And that's only on weekdays. On weekends you can't even go there without a village parking sticker. To get a village parking sticker? You have to live in East Hampton Village, or pay $300 for an out-of-village parking sticker. Oh, and for the year 2010? Out-Of-Village parking stickers are SOLD OUT. So go home. Or take a day off in the middle of the week to sit by yourself.

Beaches are literally the one thing the Hamptons should just leave off of their marketing materials altogether. 90% of them are private or closed to anyone outside of village residents. The public ones, like what made this list of best beaches, want your firstborn before you can dip your toes in the sand.

Sigh. Twas always thus.

School Budget Recap

Thanks to 30 people who had cars last night, Sag Harbor school teachers don't have to move back in with mom and dad, Southampton residents are fine with budget surpluses, some serious poaching going on at East Hampton schools, and whenever a Westhampton Beach athlete gets a serious rug-burn, think of 4 douchebags. Last night's budget wrap below:

All of the east end's school budgets passed last night, some margins closer than others.

Sag Harbor: 1,051 to 1021. Just 30 votes decided a budget proposal that everyone involved was so scared of failing, they were talking the crazy talk of salary freezes and newbie layoffs. No word yet on whether this close shave will cause a civil war-like divide amongst the community. Until then, enjoy your 6.7% increase, Sag Harboranianites(?)

Tuckahoe: 212-193. It took only 19 extra votes to pass this 16.5 million dollar budget. There would have been blood running in the streets, but then everyone realized that no one knows where the hell Tuckahoe School District is, or who attends it. Phew!

Southampton: 595-499. Hamptonyte Blog posted an e-mail conversation with BOE member Dr. Laura McMahon about her lone dissent of this budget proposal, and although the 96-vote margin is pretty wide, obviously 499 people who turned out think a budget surplus three years in a row should have protected them from further increases in the tax levy. It didn't. Now how to tell Johnny his trip to Europe this summer is on hold? Hmmmm.

Bridgehampton: 216-61. A landslide. But then again, how could it not be? This year's proposal called for a nearly $62,000 reduction in its operating costs. So that's a good thing, right? Residents are currently on the lookout for these 61 voters for purposes of forced sterilization.

Sagaponack: 25-2. Sagaponack is not a real school district. We're convinced.

Hampton Bays: 1,078-945. A 43.8 million dollar budget, all said.

Westhampton Beach: 584-298. But its $49 million budget passing is not the real story. The real story is how much of that $49 million is earmarked for lawsuits when its ill-advised artificial turf athletic field starts dishing out turf-rash not experienced since pornstars stopped getting shagged on orange carpeting. The proposal to carpet an earth that grows completely real grass was passed by a slim margin of 4 votes. Remember them, linebackers of the future! You may want to knock on their doors.

And in other news...

Southampton School District announced that it had suspended two administrators, Principal Adam Fine, and Assistant Principal Maria Mondini for reasons undisclosed. Of course, everyone assumed they were up to something kinky of the janitor's closet variety. Turns out, Southampton was just pissed. Pissed that they got poached by East Hampton High School, which is where they will begin their new jobs.

"East Hampton School Board member John Ryan said the hiring process was kept quiet so as to not put Mr. Fine or Ms. Mondini’s jobs in jeopardy."

Bang-up job, guys.

UPDATE: Just got e-mail confirmation from a Southampton Board of Ed member, that the suspensions of Fine and Mondini are to be served WITH pay, so...yeah, that was a pointless suspension.

Heralded Whale Is Actually Attempted Murderer of Dog

Who knew that when we shed tears and took group photos in honor of a poor, martyred whale in Easthampton, we were honoring an attempted murderer?

In the aftermath of that whale's very public demise comes this harrowing tale from an Easthampton High School teacher.

This is literally the neverending story that began a month ago when a humpback whale beached itself in Easthampton. Crowds gathered. Police gathered. Then they riddled it with poison darts, because in all liklihood it was going to die as a result of being separated from its mother. Everyone went into hysterics. Wrote letters to every editor about the mishandling of this case. That poor, poor whale.

Turns out, the whale was a vengeful douche. Like Montezuma's revenge, an Easthampton Australian Shepherd, with the unfortunate name "Sydney," may have chowed down on some grade-A whale steak, marinated in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet. The dog was trotting along the beach and then got very sleeply. Coma sleepy. And...stopped trotting quite obviously. His owner took him to a series of vets, and presto! $4,100 dollars later, Sydney was back answering to its unfortunate name.

Thanks a lot, dumb whale! You took a gouge out of someone's wallet and nearly killed a dog to boot! Now everybody hates you.