Kardashian's Landlord Hounded For Trying To Earn A Buck

So once again we are faced with the completely illogical phenomenon that is the Kardashians. Specifically we're referring to how successful their TV show is, despite the fact that seemingly the whole world wants them to pretty much die.

Fresh off totally reliable news outlet  Page Six of the New York Post, the villagers of Southampton are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches to snuff out Irma Herzog. Her crime? Not responsibly going on welfare for the greater good of Keeping Out With the Kardashians. Herzog is the owner of The Driver's Seat and apparently the space adjacent to the long-standing eatery, which she rented out to the Kardashian girls for their pop-up store "Dash," which they'll be running for the duration of their reality TV show: "Muppets Take The Hamptons." 

Come on. Girl gotta eat.

Ever since word got out that Herzog dared to make a buck by leasing the space, she's been the subject of "harassment and torment," according to the article, which also quoted Jerry Della Femina, who oddly enough didn't blame Obama for the rented space. "She should be brought up on charges," said Della Femina, the Hamptons' resident right-wing lunatic. Suddenly he's anti-capitalism. Funny how that works.

[Hand raised]
-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, do you have a question?

HB: We do...um...did the people of Southampton honestly think the entire production, public relations, advertising and network team that runs the Kardashian TV franchise would just pack up their trailers and cameras and leave because they couldn't find a place to rent?

-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, yes, they apparently did.

[Face palm]

SIDEBAR:

We don't watch any of the Kardashian shows, so could someone tell us if Kourtney has trouble walking or something? Why is it that every picture of the two girls in the Hamptons shows Khloe leading her sister around like a pet Orangutan?

Observe:

Hamptons Architect Sentenced In Child Porn Case

Call him creepier than your average pedophile, which is quite an accomplishment. Jay Lockett Sears, the architect who reportedly designed homes in the Hamptons for Michael J. Fox and Clint Eastwood among others, was sentenced a few day ago for his nastly little child pornography photoshopping habit.

Photoshopping, you say? Yeah, apparently this creepster with a Mark Twain-Tom Wolfe-Santa Claus fetish vibe, was taking pictures of kids in public and then photoshopping himself and other adults into the harmless photo, making it, yeah...really not harmless anymore. Yick. This strikes us here at Hamptonyte as oddly creepier than a guy in a van with fists full of candy.

In either event, Sears was sentenced to six months house arrest and five years probation, according to the Associate Press.

Looks like the judge was on his own "Mission of Kindness." See what I did there? For background, check out this article by Erica Jackson at the Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch, back when there was an Erica Jackson at Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch. Or any Patch for that matter. The best is the closing quote from Vincent Cinque, who had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Angel's Wings back in the 5th grade.

"When he came to talk to us back in elementary school, he was just plain creepy," he said.

Creepy? What gave it away? The all white suits? The wings? The Cheshire grin? The cane? The camera snapping away pictures of girls at beach parties? What shocked us here at Hamptonyte is that anyone could see this guy around and NOT think he's a pedophile.Yes, we're shocked by people's shock.

On the bright side, if you're looking for an architect in the Hamptons, we know one who'll be home every day until December.

Hilaria Thomas teaches Yoga like her husband speaks to 'Moss.' (Allegedly)

So says a recent civil suit filed in a Manhattan court yesterday by a man who claimed he suffered "serious injury" and "emotional upset" after attending one of Hilaria's apparently hard-core yoga classes.

According to the suit, filed by Spencer Wolff, the injury was not caused by his own freakish ability to actually get injured while lying on the ground holding your leg in the air, but by the "negligence" of Alec's wife. Also, he claims, the class was overcrowded, which contributed to the horrific carnage at Yoga Vida last month.

We think she might have said something like:

"You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker, you can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?"

Glengarry references aside, as much as our reflexes would tell us to quickly smack anyone in Manhattan named "Spencer Wolff," we'll have to see what comes of the suit.

Mostly, we can't wait to hear how Dan's Papers plans to spin this one. It might even cause us serious injury.

Albanian immigrant arrested for wrong reason

Meet Praq Rado. His story is told by Taylor Vecsey in the East Hampton Patch in an article that went up last week. Rado is awaiting his fate in Los Angeles while the American government decides whether or not to deport him back to Albania, from which he fled 11 years ago.

Rado had been happily bobbing along, modeling, acting, writing, dancing in gay bars...until one day he made the all-too-common mistake of taking the Hamptons International Film Festival seriously. He put together a 25-minute short film about his immigration experience and then accidentally entered it into the HIFF.

He further compounded his mistake by trying to attend the HIFF in October, and was summarily scooped up by immigration police and is now out on bail pending a decision. His lawyers are arguing that he should have been arrested for impersonating a serious person who entered his film into a serious film festival.

According to the article, which is well-written by the way, Rado belongs to the minority Catholic population in the largely Muslim Albania, and we needn't think about what might happen to Rado if he should be returned there, after living out of the closet for so long.

So yeah. We pray for Rado. And we hope the story inspires in all of us a lesson about the Hamptons International Film Festival.

If forced to choose between entering and attending the HIFF or being sent to Muslim-controlled Albania...

We would have to think on it for a while.

Battle Over Who Owns God Headed For Courts

One would think that in the age of "Occupy," the 1% would just pipe down a little bit. We're sort of delighted that they haven't.

Homeowners in Napeague (aka, the 1%) are in the middle of a legal fight with the Town of East Hampton over their desire to keep all the poors off the beach they feel is rightfully theirs because they purchased it years ago from God.

The Town says the parcels along that stretch of beach were sold under the condition that beach access would not be restricted to anybody. At the time, the beach was mainly accessed by east end baymen who parked on the street and walked down to the water to go to work in the morning. As the baymen died off, and they began to gradually be replaced by fucking assholes wealthier residents, those residents decided they didn't want barnacly, old, raggedy and completely not fabulous poors wandering their beaches.

The residents of Napeague of course are arguing that the beachgoers leave behind broken bottles, and burned out cars, and dead bodies, and zombies, but nobody is buying that to date. Bottom line is, God gave them the right to close off the beaches to the stinky public and the town should honor God.

Their appeals have fallen on deaf ears in the local courts and now it's headed to another court. So the residents said, "well, can you at least temporarily bar the poors from coming here?" and the courts said...not so much.

So yeah. The public says by principle nobody should own the beach, nobody should own nature. Shut up public.

*God did not immediately return calls for comment.

How To Unwind From Your Sexual Harrassment Suit

Meet the woman who ruined sexual harrassment lawsuits for everybody. This is Kristy Fraser-Kirk, and everybody is mad at her because she filed suit against her employer (David Jones Ltd.) for an obscene amount of money: $37 million Australian dollars. Which in U.S. dollars is like 20 bucks.

Everyone is pissed because she settled out of court and only walked away with two things: 1. the CEO of the mega-department store chain, Mark McInnes, got shitcanned, and 2. $850,000. In reality, about $500,000 after she pays her legal and publicity team.

Apparently this was a huge case in Australia, which means nobody knows about it here in the States. Fraser-Kirk was swamped with paparazzi and media hounds at every turn (hence the publicist she just had to have). Footnote: she worked as a publicist for David Jones Ltd. So why the publicist? Sigh.

Now, according to the Business Spectator, part of her damages claim includes a trip to East Hampton "in order to escape enormous media attention." Before that trip, she also went to London for allegedly the same reason. You know what else escapes enormous media attention? Not filing a suit worth $37 million when you make less than $70,000 a year! What were you going to do with that money Kristy, build your own church?!

Also. Something tells us "enormous media attention" is precisely what she doesn't want to avoid. Really? East Hampton? Of all the places in the world to hide out, your number one choice is London and your number two choice is East Hampton in the summertime? Of course it is, what are we thinking. After all, your name is hyphenated. Grrrrrrrr. Here's a list of places to really unwind if your aim is to lay low.

1. The Outback. Not the steakhouse, the actual rugged terrain that stretches for hundreds of miles in every direction and, for the record, is right in your own back yard!

2. Tasmania. Short flight. No one goes there.

3. New Zealand. Our recommendation is to skip the High Pass and seek refuge in the great Dwarf palace of Khazad-dum.

4. If you insist on blessing us with your presence: Maza, North Dakota. Population: 5.

5. Wyoming. The least populated state in America. But probably the most conservative too, so your hyphenated name may get you shot.

6. Kolyma, Siberia. Just the word Siberia should explain it all.

7. The Himalayas. Find a sherpa. Don't let him feel you up.

Send a post card, Kristy. And bill the postage to David Jones Ltd.