Why Can't 'DASH' Go Through What Bookhampton Is Going Through?

Oh, this damn illiterate country. There's something just gut-cringing and teeth-gnashing about witnessing first-hand as people who either haven't earned, or don't deserve financial success celebrating their windfall, while earnest people have to beg in the streets.

And that's just what booksellers across America are doing. Recently the New York Times published an article on the absolute endangered species that bookstores in Manhattan have become, as each one falls victim to the $40,000 per month rent vs. two people bought something this week paradigm. In Manhattan, bookstores are down by 60%.

We initially rejoiced when Borders went belly-up, thinking that this would reopen the market to independent, mom-and-pops stores. No. People just don't read anymore. That's an overstatement, but you get the point. You know there is a cultural brain drain when it comes to the written word when Snooki's novel outsells Cormac McCarthy and Toni Morrison. It seems "You've Got Mail" only got it half-right. Perhaps the chain stores were our enemy in the late 90s, but a greater enemy seems to be our complete antipathy toward the written word unless it has been ghost written for movie stars and reality TV bimbos.

Which is why we are not surprised, but greatly saddened to receive this plea from the owner of Bookhampton, Charline Spektor:

Dear Friends and Neighbors and BookLovers: 

The most wonderful part of owning BookHampton has been the discovery of 
new books and the camaraderie of fellow readers. The saddest part is the 
awareness that all things, even those we cherish most, have days that are 
numbered. 

The frozen Winter and this very chilly Spring caught BookHampton in a 
grip that has brought us to our knees. We’re fighting to have one more 
Summer, and not to be bowed by the writing on the wall that forced our 
colleagues to close their doors. In NYC alone: Coliseum Books, Gotham, 
Endicott, Shakespeare & Co., Murder Ink, the lovely Madison Avenue 
Bookshop, the incomparable Books & Co., BN Lincoln Center and now 
Rizzoli – all gone. 

A good friend asked if there’s anything that we can do to hold on to 
BookHampton. As I tried to find one more answer, the brilliant metaphor of 
the great writer Anne LaMott came to mind. “My brother,” she wrote in 
Bird by Bird, “was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three 
months to write. It was due the next day… he was at the kitchen table close 
to tears… immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father 
sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 
'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'" 

So here then is my answer and a heartfelt request: Could you please help us 
take on the enormous challenge of saving BookHampton book by book. If 
every one of our friends, neighbors, and booklovers would be so kind as to 
buy one book today, it would make a true and immediate difference: 
bookhampton@bookhampton.com 

Please take a moment to order just one book right now from BookHampton 
Any book at all. bookhampton@bookhampton.com 

Tell us the book you’re looking for or let us make a great recommendation. 
We’ll hold it in store or ship it anywhere! 
Email: bookhampton@bookhampton.com 
Or call us : (631) 324-4939 or (631) 488-5953. 

BookHampton is the literary cornerstone of our community; 
the beach, the farms, and this bookstore enrich all our lives 
and nourish our souls. 

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time today to save BookHampton 
book by book. 

Charline 
 and Chris, Billy, Kim, Taylor, Mary, Sarah, Greg, Kate, Ken 

But, you know. Go ahead and shop at DASH. The Kardashians could use the money.

Kardashian's Landlord Hounded For Trying To Earn A Buck

So once again we are faced with the completely illogical phenomenon that is the Kardashians. Specifically we're referring to how successful their TV show is, despite the fact that seemingly the whole world wants them to pretty much die.

Fresh off totally reliable news outlet  Page Six of the New York Post, the villagers of Southampton are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches to snuff out Irma Herzog. Her crime? Not responsibly going on welfare for the greater good of Keeping Out With the Kardashians. Herzog is the owner of The Driver's Seat and apparently the space adjacent to the long-standing eatery, which she rented out to the Kardashian girls for their pop-up store "Dash," which they'll be running for the duration of their reality TV show: "Muppets Take The Hamptons." 

Come on. Girl gotta eat.

Ever since word got out that Herzog dared to make a buck by leasing the space, she's been the subject of "harassment and torment," according to the article, which also quoted Jerry Della Femina, who oddly enough didn't blame Obama for the rented space. "She should be brought up on charges," said Della Femina, the Hamptons' resident right-wing lunatic. Suddenly he's anti-capitalism. Funny how that works.

[Hand raised]
-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, do you have a question?

HB: We do...um...did the people of Southampton honestly think the entire production, public relations, advertising and network team that runs the Kardashian TV franchise would just pack up their trailers and cameras and leave because they couldn't find a place to rent?

-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, yes, they apparently did.

[Face palm]

SIDEBAR:

We don't watch any of the Kardashian shows, so could someone tell us if Kourtney has trouble walking or something? Why is it that every picture of the two girls in the Hamptons shows Khloe leading her sister around like a pet Orangutan?

Observe:

Hilaria Thomas teaches Yoga like her husband speaks to 'Moss.' (Allegedly)

So says a recent civil suit filed in a Manhattan court yesterday by a man who claimed he suffered "serious injury" and "emotional upset" after attending one of Hilaria's apparently hard-core yoga classes.

According to the suit, filed by Spencer Wolff, the injury was not caused by his own freakish ability to actually get injured while lying on the ground holding your leg in the air, but by the "negligence" of Alec's wife. Also, he claims, the class was overcrowded, which contributed to the horrific carnage at Yoga Vida last month.

We think she might have said something like:

"You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker, you can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit?"

Glengarry references aside, as much as our reflexes would tell us to quickly smack anyone in Manhattan named "Spencer Wolff," we'll have to see what comes of the suit.

Mostly, we can't wait to hear how Dan's Papers plans to spin this one. It might even cause us serious injury.

Sex offenders ring in the New Year: Hamptons Style!

If you're looking to party with the hottest, sexiest, trendiest sex offenders in the world, look no further than toney Southampton Town! That's right, these totally fabulous fingerers decided to hit the town for New Year's Eve, as their residency in mobile homes parked in Westhampton appear to be staying put into 2013.

County Executive Steve Bellone was supposed to pass a measure to move them out of Westhampton by year's end, but...oops. He totally forgot! Now they're here, they're fierce, and they're ready to party it up, Hamptons Style!

Check out Pat McGroin's definitely 2013 neckware he snagged from the mannequins at Cynthia Rowley's Montauk Shop. Holden McCrotch is absolutely fabulous and forward in this matching popped collar from Ralph Lauren. And he accessorizes! Nothing attracts the kiddies like his candy bracelets from Ralph's fabulously lovely, and totally not entitled princess daughter Dylan!

So where were these heavy-panting hotties tongueing down the toddlers at midnight on December 31? Our sources don't know. And they'd never kiss and tell...that would be soooo last year!

Jerry Della Femina's Problems Would Make Jesus Christ Want To Murder Him

Jerry Della Femina's idea of poverty is so rage inducing we saw the Dalai Lama read this Business Insider article and then immediately turn around and punch an infant in the face.

Della Femina, the sleazy, slimy lying gold-toothed creep ad man was one of the few Madison Avenue execs who amassed his fortune and didn't manage to blow it on a coke habit in the 80s. He's been a permanent fixture in the Hamptons since forever and even opened up a successful restaurant with the money he made convincing people with money they don't have to buy shit they don't need.

Now he's sold his house because, well, because his poor unborn great grandchildren may not be able to sit by a pool lined with the skin of Mexican day laborers while doing lines off a blonde co-ed's back. Or as we used to call it: The American Dream.

That's right, a man who lives in America in 2012, with full knowledge of how high the unemployment rate is, who no doubt had to lay off some of his own workers at his various business ventures, who flies his helicopter over thousands of foreclosed homes, has the balls to complain that he's selling because he refuses to pay more taxes under the Obama administration.

Taxes? Really? Taxes? You do realize, Della Femina, that your tax bill is probably quadruple the monthly mortgage of the average home just west of where you live, right?

Instead of feeling fortunate that he even has the money to PAY those taxes, he's selling low just to avoid them. His ginormous, disgustingly lavish, and grossly unnecessary oceanfront house went for $25 million. He wanted $40 million. But he's settling for 25. A fact that makes us just...so sad.

“I want the proceeds of this sale to go to my kids and my grandkids,” he told The Post's Jennifer Gould Keil and Selim Algar. “I don’t want my money going to Obama, and that’s what’s going to happen in the New Year. That’s why I sold right now, that’s why I wanted to get this done.”
“I’m basically the loser in Obama’s class warfare,” he added.

Wow. That really gets us...right around...the chest/heart region or thereabouts. Another loser in Obama's class warfare, according the article, is Discovery Networks CEO David Zaslav, who inherited Della Femina's meager 8 bedroom, 6.5 bathroom, heated pool-even-though-there's-a-literal-ocean-500-feet-away, mansion that sits on 1.7 acres.

On a side note, we'd like to know how an advertising/marketing guru can be this culturally tone-deaf. On a sider note, we'd like to know how Della Femina's brain didn't say to him: 'please don't call the NY Post and...say anything like what you're about to say.' On an even sider note, we'd like Della Femina to eat a bag of dicks.

Hamptons Hosts Ridiculous Hat Convention

We're not sure what this is but our friends at Guest of a Guest captured a photographic essay of people being huddled into a tent and apparently forced to wear ridiculous hats. Our only guess is that it's some sort of Hamptons hazing gone horribly wrong. You have:



Just keep smiling and don't turn around. Do Not Turn Around.











 

 

The hat made from leftover ribbons at the bridal shower.

Air Syria flight attendant flushed accidentally as plane passed over.

After his refusal to wear the baby blue fedora, his captors acquiesced and handed him the equally shameful peach blazer with a handkerchief sticking out of the pocket.

It's not a hat if they have to pin it to your hair. Or, as in this case, allow the bird to keep his talons so he can grip firmly down on the scalp. Her smile is one of controlled pain.

This group tried its best to camoflogue the little one as a white girl by squishing down what was left in their flower garden on top of a nest of lace. Oh, when rich people adopt.

Bride of Barney

You can actually SEE her wondering how ridiculous she looks.

This 4 Non-Blondes wardrobe sale came with a miniature-sized replica of the Mayor of New York City. She wouldn't stop bragging about how much of a steal it was.

She brought enough hat for the two of them, but he kept insisting.

Okay, that's actually Edith Beale, but so long as we're documenting batshit crazy....





 

Celebrities Attempt to Wrap Brains Around Tragedy: Realize They Have No Brains

The real tragedy is in the asking. When Professional Blonde Muppet Gina Glickman-Giordan (whose metamorphasis into pretentious Hamptonyte is now complete with the hyphenated name) asked a room full of VIPs at the Bridehampton Polo Club what they thought of the Aurora, Colorado "Dark Knight" shootings, our only explanation for the answers she got was that they were all high. Someone left the valve open on the helium machine. Someone brought in some special-baked brownies. Our only explanation for Dan's Papers actually publishing the responses is that the newspaper hates them.

The only "celebrity" but sort of isn't one  who came close to a reasoned response was Polo Player Chris Del Gatto, who said "The first thing we think about is our children and that you could be some place as innocuous as a movie theater taking them out for a family evening and something like that happens." If you're looking for clarity after that the closest you can come is Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, who started out on solid footing and then gave us every reason why we should take away her fame. "I think it's terrible and I feel so bad for the families. I have children and everybody has children that they are connected to those people that were there."
Huh? But that was not to be topped by the absolute beauty pageant answer we got from Donna Karan's neer-do-well daughter (whom Glickman felt the need to run down her resume as though she gained all this by herself) Gabby Karan:

"It breaks my heart. I think that we just have to change in our soceity and try to give back a little bit more."

Who knew charity and soup kitchens can stop mass murder?
What this column truly exemplifies is something that sort of strikes at one of the pillars of why we launched Hamptonyte Blog. Just because you're a celebrity, does not mean you should be tapped to give opinions. In fact you probably shouldn't. Because you're a brand. And brands are very touchy not to say anything that even smells of controversy. Okay, that's too long of a pillar, but the lesson stands all the same.

Battle Over Who Owns God Headed For Courts

One would think that in the age of "Occupy," the 1% would just pipe down a little bit. We're sort of delighted that they haven't.

Homeowners in Napeague (aka, the 1%) are in the middle of a legal fight with the Town of East Hampton over their desire to keep all the poors off the beach they feel is rightfully theirs because they purchased it years ago from God.

The Town says the parcels along that stretch of beach were sold under the condition that beach access would not be restricted to anybody. At the time, the beach was mainly accessed by east end baymen who parked on the street and walked down to the water to go to work in the morning. As the baymen died off, and they began to gradually be replaced by fucking assholes wealthier residents, those residents decided they didn't want barnacly, old, raggedy and completely not fabulous poors wandering their beaches.

The residents of Napeague of course are arguing that the beachgoers leave behind broken bottles, and burned out cars, and dead bodies, and zombies, but nobody is buying that to date. Bottom line is, God gave them the right to close off the beaches to the stinky public and the town should honor God.

Their appeals have fallen on deaf ears in the local courts and now it's headed to another court. So the residents said, "well, can you at least temporarily bar the poors from coming here?" and the courts said...not so much.

So yeah. The public says by principle nobody should own the beach, nobody should own nature. Shut up public.

*God did not immediately return calls for comment.

What if the South kept "concierges" in chains?

There would have likely been no Civil War! Instead of a slave trade, how nice does a concierge trade sound?

We stumbled on this advertisement for a company that specializes in consolidating the numerous ways Hamptonites can remain spoiled, weeping, drinking balls of incompetence. This particular brand of servitude goes by many different names. Concierge service. Luxury concierge. Personal concierge.

"Whether you need a rental home, reservations at the best Hamptons restaurant or a babysitting, pet-walking, dry cleaning-picking-up assistant, we've got you...We tailor our services to suit your every need, and we strive to ensure there is no limit to what we can do for you. At Open Minded Concierge, our relationship with our members is always treated with the utmost respect and extreme confidentiality."

Yassuh, we aims to please, and we please to aim, suh. Our prediction: By 2025, the American population will consist of two groups...the wealthy, and their "concierges." If we've said it once, we've said it a hundred times, the failure of the South was in its poor marketing efforts. No worries. It will rise again. And that fact pretty much blows.

When good trend stories lead to arrests

I distinctly remember one of the worst days of my teenage life, when a Newsday article ran about my local deli selling alcohol without proofing the buyers. That deli was the lone source of my increasing demand of 40oz. St. Ides, an oasis in the desert of suck called the working class suburbs. The article ran, and the next day, Haziz was asking for my ID. Goddammit journalists! I remember screaming as I walked out with nothing better than a can of Jolt and some Pixie Stix so I could at least get a sugar high.
That was then. When newspapers articles at worst caused the wrongdoer to straighten up and fly right. Now, they can get you tossed in the clink.

So 27East ran a trend piece entitled "Prom Season Brings Wave of Illegal Party Rentals," an expose on the unsupervised droves of teenagers whose desperate to still be considered cool parents allow to rent houses in the Hamptons for post-prom hi jinks.

Guest of a Guest mocked the piece. It was so old fashioned, so square...stupid adults with their stupid curiosity making a silly issue for no stupid reason, the stupid-heads. Besides, the rentals are totes nothing more than answering to supply and demand. Whatta you got against profit, 27East, what are you communists or something?

It was all "laughable" and so mock-worthy. Until the cops showed up. Since the piece ran, four arrests have been made in the Hamptons for violation of the social host law. The first in Eastport, and the second in Remsenberg. In the case of the latter, cops investigated after a kid had to be rushed to the hospital when he started puking up blood. Guest of a Guest could not be immediately reached for comment regarding whether they believe puking up blood to be a bad thing.

What have we learned? Despite the doomed fate of print journalism, you should read the newspaper. Or you may find yourself chained to a metal bar right next to a rapist.