Alec Baldwin's Wife Must Have Had A Shitty Dad

In another installment of Human Bratz Doll Gina Glickman-Giordan's hard-hitting investigation of the Hamptons we all know as "Whispers," our favorite brown-noser bopped all the way to "Yoga Gives" in Southampton and went all gonzo journalism on us.

Embedded in the dark trenches of an underworld known as Yogis, she braved degradation, humiliation, perspiration, and possibly even death to deliver us an insider's look at how the rich exorcise and cleanse from the horrors and stresses of being rich. Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud. Proud that he refrained from shooting her.

In either event, after dropping the very important fact that she was not wearing Yoga clothes, she was wearing her "Lululemon finest yoga attire," she got into the purpose of her visit. To seek out and delve deeply into the life and times of Hilaria Thomas Baldwin, newly minted wife of actor Alec Baldwin.

What did we learn? First and foremost that despite our constant urge to finish her name with an "S" by calling her "Hilarious," it's actually pronounced Ee-larry-ah, which, we also learned, is Spanish for Golddigger "happy."

We also learned that despite Eelarryah's seemingly cest-la-vie attitude and folksy aw-shucksism, she, like most wealthy women in the spotlight, is just as absorbed and cooky, and control-freaky about her body image. When she was apparently accused of donning a "baby bump" at a recent charity event, she tried to control her apeshit, but couldn't, and took to Twitter with: "Shld rumors that I’m pregnant give me a complex about my waistline? How slim do u have to be? This is a serious problem in society.”

Well, really it's just a problem for you, fatty. And clearly you already have a complex about your waistline. Enjoy your beer gut.

We also learned that putting a person's name in bold-face type doesn't make them a celebrity. Who knew?

But most importantly, we learned that Hilaria must have had a really lousy father. "I think anybody would be so lucky to have Alec as a dad.” (Bold-type Gina's, not ours. Of course.)

"I think anybody would be so lucky to have Alec as a dad.” Aw. We can understand where she's coming from. Just check out Alec's new line of Birthday Cards for Children Whose Age You're Unsure Of, Or If In Fact They Are Children At All below:



 Bold-type...Ours.

Celebrities Attempt to Wrap Brains Around Tragedy: Realize They Have No Brains

The real tragedy is in the asking. When Professional Blonde Muppet Gina Glickman-Giordan (whose metamorphasis into pretentious Hamptonyte is now complete with the hyphenated name) asked a room full of VIPs at the Bridehampton Polo Club what they thought of the Aurora, Colorado "Dark Knight" shootings, our only explanation for the answers she got was that they were all high. Someone left the valve open on the helium machine. Someone brought in some special-baked brownies. Our only explanation for Dan's Papers actually publishing the responses is that the newspaper hates them.

The only "celebrity" but sort of isn't one  who came close to a reasoned response was Polo Player Chris Del Gatto, who said "The first thing we think about is our children and that you could be some place as innocuous as a movie theater taking them out for a family evening and something like that happens." If you're looking for clarity after that the closest you can come is Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, who started out on solid footing and then gave us every reason why we should take away her fame. "I think it's terrible and I feel so bad for the families. I have children and everybody has children that they are connected to those people that were there."
Huh? But that was not to be topped by the absolute beauty pageant answer we got from Donna Karan's neer-do-well daughter (whom Glickman felt the need to run down her resume as though she gained all this by herself) Gabby Karan:

"It breaks my heart. I think that we just have to change in our soceity and try to give back a little bit more."

Who knew charity and soup kitchens can stop mass murder?
What this column truly exemplifies is something that sort of strikes at one of the pillars of why we launched Hamptonyte Blog. Just because you're a celebrity, does not mean you should be tapped to give opinions. In fact you probably shouldn't. Because you're a brand. And brands are very touchy not to say anything that even smells of controversy. Okay, that's too long of a pillar, but the lesson stands all the same.

Graduating from high-end prep school still means doing the 'Shocker'

The other day the Statue of Liberty welcomed behind its trailblazing torch the next line of America's white hope: East Hampton's Ross School graduating class of 2011.

The apple-cheeked and nightmare-free hopefuls will be going on to a palette of promising colleges in the fall, from American University, to Northwestern, to Columbia and Tulane. A testimony to how exclusive prep schools create an environment in which intellectual challenge can be fostered through peer success and influence. Rich parents don't hurt either.

But what's most disheartening heartening to see is that the hallowed ivy walls of privilege and circumstance, the thick, protective hedge of intellectual discourse and high-profile instruction, couldn't keep out "The Shocker" in the culmination of four years of hard work: the official graduating class photo.

Check out the kid in the front row sitting on the floor on the farthest left. One shocker wasn't enough. He had to do a double.

He's also my new hero.

What To Do When Your Kid Can't Stop Saying "Dildo" In School

Sue! Every so often someone leaves a window open in the house of the privileged, and this time around, that someone is Jennine Gourin, yes THAT Jennine Gourin, of the real estate executive/bearer of Jack Nicholson's love-child Gourins.

According to this extremely reliable Page Six article in the New York Post, Ms. Gourin is suing the bourgeois Ross School in East Hampton for allegedly hoisting her 13-year-old son into a hovel and only letting him out attached to a chain like "The Gimp" in Pulp Fiction.

But seriously, she's suing because the Ross School housed the future reality show ne'er-do-well in a basement apartment in Sag Harbor that did not meet Ms. Gourin's high standards when she eventually got around to swinging by the east end to check on her kid. But the real reason she's summoned her team of lawyers? Little Jimmy has been asked to leave the school because he kept saying "dildo" in class.

Sports figures routinely get fined about $50,000 if they're caught on camera cursing. The Ross School costs $56,000 per year in tuition. The lesson? It's cheaper to say dildo if you play second base for the Cincinnati Reds.

And now you know.

Former Provost Of College Has Trouble With Academic Citation

Or...Congressman Tim Bishop is a snake like every other politician trying to run for re-election.


As an alumnus of Southampton College, the degree hanging on my wall is beginning to have less and less meaning with each passing day of this political season. Have you seen this? It's a political ad approved by Tim Bishop in which he accuses his Republican opponent, Randy Altschuler of outsourcing American jobs to other countries around the world.


The ad comes replete with grainy video footage of Altschuler speaking to what appears to be local businessmen about his company (Office Tiger) and its ability to save them money by shipping back-office support positions to other regions of the world, such as India, and the Philippines.


Then he pulls out a quote Altschuler gave the Financial News in 2003. "In India you get a much higher standard of person doing...work than in America," the full-screen reads. What a scumbag, right? Saying Indian workers are better than us? And now he wants us to vote for him!?


Only. The ellipsis troubled me. You know, the "dot, dot, dot" after the word "doing?" That couldn't have been a pause on Altschuler's part. And if it was, what journalist would have inserted the pause? Something was fishy. So I did about five seconds of research through my local library and I found the article in question, from the March 23, 2003 edition of Financial News.

Here's what Altschuler said in the article. "In India you get a much higher standard of person doing assistant work."
That was it. The Bishop ad cuts the qualifying term "assistant" and then adds what their Cap N' Crunch invisible ink detector apparently picked up on the page hiding "than in America."
Or, more likely, Altschuler never said "than in America." And he was talking about assistant work, not ALL work. This also followed that quote from Financial News:

"Altschuler says banking staff in Western financial centres need not be concerned about losing their jobs. Instead they should be pleased that the roles remaining in the West will be of higher calibre. He says: "People in New York and London will be working in higher-end areas. There will be more need for people with higher education-employees are going to have to get smart."

I know Tim Bishop was the provost of a failed college and all, but come on. Tim. A quotation is word-for-word. That's why it's in quotes. And next time you're going to lie to us about something your opponent didn't say: do yourself a huge favor and don't bother providing the citation.

In other news...Randy Altschuler is a huge outsourcing douche. Don't vote for him.

How To Be A Mooch (in less than 800 words)

From the self-indulged people of Guest of a Guest, comes this helpful article on how not to be self-indulged when buttering up that millionaire friend they seem to think you know.

With this current economic crisis, it's very important that you know how to use rich people to your fullest advantage. Let's face it, you're not buying that Southampton estate on the bay this summer. But your mother's cousin Tom's sister-in-law Rebecca is married to this guy who has one! Make some calls!

This goes beyond the obvious, don't-show-empty-handed advice, and moves on to tackle the even more obvious, "don't hang out all day in your room Blackberrying," and "don't show up at the dining room table refreshed after you did nothing to prepare dinner."

How about, "don't search your mind for some wealthy contacts you can use to spend a weekend lounging around pretending to be rich." No? Nothing?

Students Don't Get Mad Anymore, They Lawyer Up!

So it's not exactly storming the college president's office and hijacking the entire building circa 1969, but let's give a standing O to Stony Brook Southampton students who slapped a lawsuit against SBU's president and decider Samuel Stanley Jr. for allegedly cutting the undergraduate program at the Southampton campus because he felt like it.

The lawsuit has the support of local politicians. The students are hoping the lawsuit will cause enough distance and irritation for Stanley to reconsider his move to pull out of Southampton and leave the school vulnerable to the carousing wiles of the two graduate programs slated to remain, one of which is the very unruly and unpredictable Creative Writing program. The message? Don't abandon the campus to a bunch of drunks!

I'm sorry, were you expecting Kent State? These are students majoring in "environmental sustainability," people, cut them some slack.

Anatomy of a Dissenting Vote

Tonight, there will be a public hearing on the budget for Southampton School District, a budget that proposes a 1.9 million dollar (or 3.45%) increase over last year's budget. When the proposed budget was sent to a Board of Education vote on April 20, all members of the board approved except one: Dr. Laura McMahon.

The Hamptonyte Blog reached out to Dr. McMahon to clarify her dissent. Here's the gist of what she said (in italics).

"My intention is not to tell people to vote no for the budget, but rather to pay attention, ask the right questions and cast a vote that is reflective of an informed decision. I do believe the operating budget could be 0% and not adversely effect our students or staff. In my opinion, if people are not outraged, then they are not paying attention."

Now most LI school districts, in this blogger's experience, operate at or over budget year in and year out. But apparently this is not the case at Southampton, where for at least the last three years running, the school has posted budget surpluses at the end of the fiscal year. By law, the district is allowed to keep 4% of the overall budget in reserves. Dr. McMahon explains what happened at workshops while sitting down to discuss this upcoming budget.

"When the meeting began we were asked what would we be comfortable with 2% or 3%? I then asked, why not a 0% operating budget? I then asked, as of June 30, 2010 how much money did our district spend? The answer...there is about $3million dollars left. I then said...in this climate, with the current economy, why not, just for one year, put a little less money in our reserves and make some further cuts? I did not get a straight clear cut answer."

What "further cuts" would she make?

"If you look at the history here, we consistently over-budget. We are also over-staffed. Look at the size of our district, and the amount of staff, and compare it to another district the same size. There is also a history here in Southampton of retaining ineffective staff, then adding more staff to compensate for that."

But there was a reduction in staff.

"A few personnel positions were cut after that first meeting I attended. The bottom line is, they needed to be cut anyway, regardless of the budget, so I feel that is misleading to the public. I believe we could still cut more staff and not adversely effect our kids or our current staff. I also voiced publically, that we have too many committees and often times the committees are loaded. For example, the BAC (Budget Advisory Committee, ed. note) is mainly comprised of people who either work for the district or have a spouse that is employed by the district. That representation was about 70% of the committee. That is not a true representation of the public."

Dr. McMahon also took exception to the way the budget numbers were brought to them in the first place.

"In my opinion, I would rather the Super come to the BOE with a few different proposals. For example this is what 0%, 1%, 2%, 3% budget would look like and show me the impact of such. That was not done."

And of course, similar to the reader comments often seen beneath stories about any school budget, teacher and administrator salaries occupy a large portion of the budget and are perceived as excessive.

"The public needs to be aware of contracts, they are negotiable, and that is the area where thousands and thousands of dollars can be saved. Salaries make up about 70% of our school budget. Contracts that have been ratified by the BOE are public information and can be viewed by the public by filling out a FOIL request with the district clerk. Anyway, people need to be aware of the public monies spent on healthcare, cash out of sick days upon retirement, stipends, etc. and how that directly impacts the taxpayer as well as our children."

Wouldn't cutting staff and renegotiating contracts necessarily impact extracurricular opportunities for students?

"We don't need to cut sports, music, or programs for the kids. We do need to have strong leadership. We have the ability to be forward, progressive thinkers, and to make Southampton a place that provides an excellent education for all, while at the same time being fiscally responsible to our taxpayers. In order for that to happen, first...people have to believe it is possible, I do believe that. If you look at the amount of money we spend per pupil, the amount of staff we have, the amount of students we have...our students should be doing phenomenally. They are not. Look at our graduation rate, compared to other schools on LI(not NY state), (It's lower) look at test scores (they're lower) ( I don't personally look at those because I do not think they are reflective of what students know or how they learn) but many people look at them, look at the grad rate for our minority students compared to other districts on LI. (It's lower) Something is really out of whack here. In my opinion, we have some awesome teachers and administrators, but we also have some ineffective staff and administrators. Just speak with community members, they know."

Dr. McMahon went on further to discuss the salary structure for teachers, and the powerful teacher's union that prevents, among other things, an evaluation of how teachers and administrators are performing.

She didn't say as much, but it seems her dissent is a symbolic one, in that she's not seeking to defeat the budget, but would like taxpayers and policymakers alike to turn a more critical eye to the budget process. Even with the fairly intricate list of issues, she probably has most readers at hello. The 3-million dollar surplus to be expected after this fiscal year ends in June. If the district is operating at a continual surplus, why raise the tax levy at all, even if it is only $1.66 per month for a house that's worth $1-million.

If there's something not being taken into account, feel free to e-mail the Hamptonyte Blog at news5525@gmail.com. And don't forget to show up at tonight's public hearing at 7:30 p.m. in the New Music Addition at Southampton Intermediate School.

According to the school's site, "the budget hearing will feature informative slides, but more importantly, an opportunity for questions and answers to and from school board members and school administrators. Babysitting will be provided."