Kardashian Stalker Arrives In Record Time

We swear, we never thought we'd write this much about the Kardashians, but this must be our fifth post? Consider it a public service announcement, because we think our "Hamptons" Google Alert we set up netted a pretty scary dude.

It's the blog of "evilsax," a multi-blogger who recently published two posts on his blog "Diary of a Republican Hater." In the first post, "I Drop Into The Hamptons During Kardashian Season," he pretty much divulges his obsession with Kourtney Kardashian and how he enlisted friends to drive him from Baldwin, NY out to Southampton to stalk the DASH store. When they arrive, the Kardashians are not there.

His grand plan when he sees them?  

I had been ready to tell Kourtney that Scott's a nice guy but 'we both know he's not worthy of you, that he doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated' which we would follow by a song-the Car's 'You Might Think'-and old 80s hit. Of course, we didn't see them. Our last ditch effort was to go to 75 Main St. for dinner but, of course, we had neglected to sign up for a reservation.

Even more interesting is that his one friend "Kev" brought another friend, "Pauly" and the two of them like to do a bit in public where one punches the other in the stomach as hard as he can.

 Often they get quite a kick out of it. We're trying to stoke things.

Yeah, so...

If his failed attempt to find her house in Noyac, or track her movement to the General Store in Noyac, or his failed attempt to catch up to her in DASH, or his last-ditch effort to find her at 75 Main doesn't scare you a little, his next blog should.

It's called "OK I Make The Case For a Mike Sax-Kourtney Kardashian Merger." Enough said, but we'll give you some nuggets anyway.

 Ok, so if I never get to make my case to Kourtney, much less serenade her with that Cars song-'You Might Think' what is my case? I mean why would she be interested in some totally random guy who she doesn't know and is some wildeyed super to boot? 

And...

So in a back drop of disappointment for the Kardashian women, could it be that we will be a breath of fresh air? I mean for Kourtney, maybe she can use a guy like me-with my Quixotic worship; I mean, compare this to what she's used to; indeed maybe the Kardashians will find super fans a refreshing change as they spend a lot of time around people who have a 'been there, done that' attitude to celerity. 

And...

I'm just going to try to get her autograph and hopefully get to talk to her for a few minutes, and sing the Cars song. Kev will do his shtick with his wrestling friend where he punches him in the stomach as hard as he can. The guy seems not to feel it. 

         Maybe such dorkishness will be a nice change of pace. Also, now that I have a little cash-nowhere their money, of course-she might like that a little better. I mean the one thing she certainly doesn't want is a guy who wants her money. 

Good luck, dude, go for it! Oh, but wait. Her kids. Darnit!

Actually, the one thing I'm less sure about is her kids. I have nothing against them, but it does seem that she's so involved with them she has no time for Scott. I don't think he's blameless-and naturally I'm going to take Kourtney's side no matter what-but I feel for the guy the way she makes him sleep in another room every night.

So yeah, he's coming back to the Hamptons in a "couple weeks" to stalk her again. That didn't take long, did it.

Is Irma Herzog Really Renting The DASH Space For Free?

We're not sure if this could possibly be true, but Page Six is reporting (while in the process of reporting a silly non-story about Kourtney Kardashian not tipping the wait staff at the Driver's Seat) that the Kardashians are renting their space from Driver's Seat owner Irma Herzog for free.

Is this true? Man, that's some hippie shit right there. We're going to try and reach out to Herzog for comment, but that would seem like an odd business strategy. Sure having them there brings foot traffic to the Driver's Seat for hungry stalkers, but renting out an entire space on Jobs Lane for nary a dime? How could she swing that?

Let us know if there's any truth to this, or if the New York Post is doing what the New York Post is good at doing. Making shit up.

As for the main part of the story: in all likelihood, if they were filming a scene for their stupid show, the production staff probably handled the bill and tip, so that whoever was being shot in the scene didn't have to reach into their wallet and go through all the rigmarole. Calm down people.

Kardashian's Landlord Hounded For Trying To Earn A Buck

So once again we are faced with the completely illogical phenomenon that is the Kardashians. Specifically we're referring to how successful their TV show is, despite the fact that seemingly the whole world wants them to pretty much die.

Fresh off totally reliable news outlet  Page Six of the New York Post, the villagers of Southampton are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches to snuff out Irma Herzog. Her crime? Not responsibly going on welfare for the greater good of Keeping Out With the Kardashians. Herzog is the owner of The Driver's Seat and apparently the space adjacent to the long-standing eatery, which she rented out to the Kardashian girls for their pop-up store "Dash," which they'll be running for the duration of their reality TV show: "Muppets Take The Hamptons." 

Come on. Girl gotta eat.

Ever since word got out that Herzog dared to make a buck by leasing the space, she's been the subject of "harassment and torment," according to the article, which also quoted Jerry Della Femina, who oddly enough didn't blame Obama for the rented space. "She should be brought up on charges," said Della Femina, the Hamptons' resident right-wing lunatic. Suddenly he's anti-capitalism. Funny how that works.

[Hand raised]
-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, do you have a question?

HB: We do...um...did the people of Southampton honestly think the entire production, public relations, advertising and network team that runs the Kardashian TV franchise would just pack up their trailers and cameras and leave because they couldn't find a place to rent?

-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, yes, they apparently did.

[Face palm]

SIDEBAR:

We don't watch any of the Kardashian shows, so could someone tell us if Kourtney has trouble walking or something? Why is it that every picture of the two girls in the Hamptons shows Khloe leading her sister around like a pet Orangutan?

Observe:

Alec Baldwin's Wife Must Have Had A Shitty Dad

In another installment of Human Bratz Doll Gina Glickman-Giordan's hard-hitting investigation of the Hamptons we all know as "Whispers," our favorite brown-noser bopped all the way to "Yoga Gives" in Southampton and went all gonzo journalism on us.

Embedded in the dark trenches of an underworld known as Yogis, she braved degradation, humiliation, perspiration, and possibly even death to deliver us an insider's look at how the rich exorcise and cleanse from the horrors and stresses of being rich. Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud. Proud that he refrained from shooting her.

In either event, after dropping the very important fact that she was not wearing Yoga clothes, she was wearing her "Lululemon finest yoga attire," she got into the purpose of her visit. To seek out and delve deeply into the life and times of Hilaria Thomas Baldwin, newly minted wife of actor Alec Baldwin.

What did we learn? First and foremost that despite our constant urge to finish her name with an "S" by calling her "Hilarious," it's actually pronounced Ee-larry-ah, which, we also learned, is Spanish for Golddigger "happy."

We also learned that despite Eelarryah's seemingly cest-la-vie attitude and folksy aw-shucksism, she, like most wealthy women in the spotlight, is just as absorbed and cooky, and control-freaky about her body image. When she was apparently accused of donning a "baby bump" at a recent charity event, she tried to control her apeshit, but couldn't, and took to Twitter with: "Shld rumors that I’m pregnant give me a complex about my waistline? How slim do u have to be? This is a serious problem in society.”

Well, really it's just a problem for you, fatty. And clearly you already have a complex about your waistline. Enjoy your beer gut.

We also learned that putting a person's name in bold-face type doesn't make them a celebrity. Who knew?

But most importantly, we learned that Hilaria must have had a really lousy father. "I think anybody would be so lucky to have Alec as a dad.” (Bold-type Gina's, not ours. Of course.)

"I think anybody would be so lucky to have Alec as a dad.” Aw. We can understand where she's coming from. Just check out Alec's new line of Birthday Cards for Children Whose Age You're Unsure Of, Or If In Fact They Are Children At All below:



 Bold-type...Ours.

Hamptons Makes Two of the Top 10 Beaches You'll Never Visit

We're the 1000th outlet to report on this, but that's how we roll, journalistically. This CNN.com report lists the top 10 beaches in America, and two of them are located on the east end, with Cooper's Beach in Southampton actually nabbing the number 1 spot. Coming in 5th was East Hampton's Main Beach.

For the uninitiated, these are two beaches you can technically go to. Technically. Cooper's Beach in Southampton? $40 parking fee. Plus $125 speeding ticket.

Main Beach in East Hampton? $20 parking fee. And that's only on weekdays. On weekends you can't even go there without a village parking sticker. To get a village parking sticker? You have to live in East Hampton Village, or pay $300 for an out-of-village parking sticker. Oh, and for the year 2010? Out-Of-Village parking stickers are SOLD OUT. So go home. Or take a day off in the middle of the week to sit by yourself.

Beaches are literally the one thing the Hamptons should just leave off of their marketing materials altogether. 90% of them are private or closed to anyone outside of village residents. The public ones, like what made this list of best beaches, want your firstborn before you can dip your toes in the sand.

Sigh. Twas always thus.

School Budget Recap

Thanks to 30 people who had cars last night, Sag Harbor school teachers don't have to move back in with mom and dad, Southampton residents are fine with budget surpluses, some serious poaching going on at East Hampton schools, and whenever a Westhampton Beach athlete gets a serious rug-burn, think of 4 douchebags. Last night's budget wrap below:

All of the east end's school budgets passed last night, some margins closer than others.

Sag Harbor: 1,051 to 1021. Just 30 votes decided a budget proposal that everyone involved was so scared of failing, they were talking the crazy talk of salary freezes and newbie layoffs. No word yet on whether this close shave will cause a civil war-like divide amongst the community. Until then, enjoy your 6.7% increase, Sag Harboranianites(?)

Tuckahoe: 212-193. It took only 19 extra votes to pass this 16.5 million dollar budget. There would have been blood running in the streets, but then everyone realized that no one knows where the hell Tuckahoe School District is, or who attends it. Phew!

Southampton: 595-499. Hamptonyte Blog posted an e-mail conversation with BOE member Dr. Laura McMahon about her lone dissent of this budget proposal, and although the 96-vote margin is pretty wide, obviously 499 people who turned out think a budget surplus three years in a row should have protected them from further increases in the tax levy. It didn't. Now how to tell Johnny his trip to Europe this summer is on hold? Hmmmm.

Bridgehampton: 216-61. A landslide. But then again, how could it not be? This year's proposal called for a nearly $62,000 reduction in its operating costs. So that's a good thing, right? Residents are currently on the lookout for these 61 voters for purposes of forced sterilization.

Sagaponack: 25-2. Sagaponack is not a real school district. We're convinced.

Hampton Bays: 1,078-945. A 43.8 million dollar budget, all said.

Westhampton Beach: 584-298. But its $49 million budget passing is not the real story. The real story is how much of that $49 million is earmarked for lawsuits when its ill-advised artificial turf athletic field starts dishing out turf-rash not experienced since pornstars stopped getting shagged on orange carpeting. The proposal to carpet an earth that grows completely real grass was passed by a slim margin of 4 votes. Remember them, linebackers of the future! You may want to knock on their doors.

And in other news...

Southampton School District announced that it had suspended two administrators, Principal Adam Fine, and Assistant Principal Maria Mondini for reasons undisclosed. Of course, everyone assumed they were up to something kinky of the janitor's closet variety. Turns out, Southampton was just pissed. Pissed that they got poached by East Hampton High School, which is where they will begin their new jobs.

"East Hampton School Board member John Ryan said the hiring process was kept quiet so as to not put Mr. Fine or Ms. Mondini’s jobs in jeopardy."

Bang-up job, guys.

UPDATE: Just got e-mail confirmation from a Southampton Board of Ed member, that the suspensions of Fine and Mondini are to be served WITH pay, so...yeah, that was a pointless suspension.

How To Pick Your Next Victim

With domestic terrorism now thwarted, European air space now back up and running, the Louisianan oil spill getting cleaned up, and the economy now completely fixed, it's time to make more important moves. Like picking a caterer for your Hamptons parties!

This listing has actually been posted on two sites. It's an open house taking place tomorrow at The Hamptons Caterer's Showcase in Southampton. You'll get to sample food, drinks, photographers, decorators, and planners.

Because choosing the right team of underlings to abuse while hobnobbing with your smart set should be taken very seriously.

Anatomy of a Dissenting Vote

Tonight, there will be a public hearing on the budget for Southampton School District, a budget that proposes a 1.9 million dollar (or 3.45%) increase over last year's budget. When the proposed budget was sent to a Board of Education vote on April 20, all members of the board approved except one: Dr. Laura McMahon.

The Hamptonyte Blog reached out to Dr. McMahon to clarify her dissent. Here's the gist of what she said (in italics).

"My intention is not to tell people to vote no for the budget, but rather to pay attention, ask the right questions and cast a vote that is reflective of an informed decision. I do believe the operating budget could be 0% and not adversely effect our students or staff. In my opinion, if people are not outraged, then they are not paying attention."

Now most LI school districts, in this blogger's experience, operate at or over budget year in and year out. But apparently this is not the case at Southampton, where for at least the last three years running, the school has posted budget surpluses at the end of the fiscal year. By law, the district is allowed to keep 4% of the overall budget in reserves. Dr. McMahon explains what happened at workshops while sitting down to discuss this upcoming budget.

"When the meeting began we were asked what would we be comfortable with 2% or 3%? I then asked, why not a 0% operating budget? I then asked, as of June 30, 2010 how much money did our district spend? The answer...there is about $3million dollars left. I then said...in this climate, with the current economy, why not, just for one year, put a little less money in our reserves and make some further cuts? I did not get a straight clear cut answer."

What "further cuts" would she make?

"If you look at the history here, we consistently over-budget. We are also over-staffed. Look at the size of our district, and the amount of staff, and compare it to another district the same size. There is also a history here in Southampton of retaining ineffective staff, then adding more staff to compensate for that."

But there was a reduction in staff.

"A few personnel positions were cut after that first meeting I attended. The bottom line is, they needed to be cut anyway, regardless of the budget, so I feel that is misleading to the public. I believe we could still cut more staff and not adversely effect our kids or our current staff. I also voiced publically, that we have too many committees and often times the committees are loaded. For example, the BAC (Budget Advisory Committee, ed. note) is mainly comprised of people who either work for the district or have a spouse that is employed by the district. That representation was about 70% of the committee. That is not a true representation of the public."

Dr. McMahon also took exception to the way the budget numbers were brought to them in the first place.

"In my opinion, I would rather the Super come to the BOE with a few different proposals. For example this is what 0%, 1%, 2%, 3% budget would look like and show me the impact of such. That was not done."

And of course, similar to the reader comments often seen beneath stories about any school budget, teacher and administrator salaries occupy a large portion of the budget and are perceived as excessive.

"The public needs to be aware of contracts, they are negotiable, and that is the area where thousands and thousands of dollars can be saved. Salaries make up about 70% of our school budget. Contracts that have been ratified by the BOE are public information and can be viewed by the public by filling out a FOIL request with the district clerk. Anyway, people need to be aware of the public monies spent on healthcare, cash out of sick days upon retirement, stipends, etc. and how that directly impacts the taxpayer as well as our children."

Wouldn't cutting staff and renegotiating contracts necessarily impact extracurricular opportunities for students?

"We don't need to cut sports, music, or programs for the kids. We do need to have strong leadership. We have the ability to be forward, progressive thinkers, and to make Southampton a place that provides an excellent education for all, while at the same time being fiscally responsible to our taxpayers. In order for that to happen, first...people have to believe it is possible, I do believe that. If you look at the amount of money we spend per pupil, the amount of staff we have, the amount of students we have...our students should be doing phenomenally. They are not. Look at our graduation rate, compared to other schools on LI(not NY state), (It's lower) look at test scores (they're lower) ( I don't personally look at those because I do not think they are reflective of what students know or how they learn) but many people look at them, look at the grad rate for our minority students compared to other districts on LI. (It's lower) Something is really out of whack here. In my opinion, we have some awesome teachers and administrators, but we also have some ineffective staff and administrators. Just speak with community members, they know."

Dr. McMahon went on further to discuss the salary structure for teachers, and the powerful teacher's union that prevents, among other things, an evaluation of how teachers and administrators are performing.

She didn't say as much, but it seems her dissent is a symbolic one, in that she's not seeking to defeat the budget, but would like taxpayers and policymakers alike to turn a more critical eye to the budget process. Even with the fairly intricate list of issues, she probably has most readers at hello. The 3-million dollar surplus to be expected after this fiscal year ends in June. If the district is operating at a continual surplus, why raise the tax levy at all, even if it is only $1.66 per month for a house that's worth $1-million.

If there's something not being taken into account, feel free to e-mail the Hamptonyte Blog at news5525@gmail.com. And don't forget to show up at tonight's public hearing at 7:30 p.m. in the New Music Addition at Southampton Intermediate School.

According to the school's site, "the budget hearing will feature informative slides, but more importantly, an opportunity for questions and answers to and from school board members and school administrators. Babysitting will be provided."