Occupy the Hamptons Doesn't Occupy Common Sense

That grim looking fella to the left of this photo is right. We are the 99%. Especially us here at Hamptonyte Blog. We have all the requisite 99% problems: unemployment, disenfranchisement, disgust with corruption, irritation at the continued illusion we call the American Dream. Hell, we practically started this blog along similar sentiments.

We can't be so cynical as to criticize a small group of protesters holding up signs in a community that is veritably empty during the winter months, and sure to have them lined against a wall and executed arrested during the summer. Despite the usual Hamptons media eye-rolling these protests often create, we're pretty much on their side. We sort of admire the fact that reminders of the greed and corruption that plague our Republic will not be escaped when these creeps from Wall St. head out here on Memorial Day. For that we thank this small band of flies buzzing into the luxury ointment.

But we can't get on board their recent decision to occupy HarborFrost. It just doesn't make any sense. Simply pulling into the 7-11 parking lot, where a lot of the HarborFrost attendees parked, it was visibly evident by the lack of BMWs, Mercedes, and Audis, that many of us jumping into the frigid water were in the 99% and are most likely attending to take our minds off the struggle we endure daily.

I recognize there will always be some degree of shouting at the choir, but the last thing anybody wants to see at a festival, is a group of sober-faced grouches standing there with signs, reminding us how fucked we are change needs to take place in our capitalist system.

The occupy movement needs just a tad bit of PR in this spot. They already have policed themselves when it comes to individual members' behavior. Here's another instance where they should do so. Nothing makes the average person, liberal or otherwise, more turned off to a movement than when the movement doesn't know where or when to land its blows. The perception many walked away with during HarborFrost is that a bunch of sign-wielding, friendless shut-ins, with nothing better to do on a Saturday, attempted to hijack a fun event by drawing attention to themselves. The operative word "themselves." Not the movement. Or the message. Such is the importance of PR in this circumstance. The protest had absolutely no relevance to the festival, except for the fact that hundreds would be gathered in one spot. From a PR perspective, this screams the protestors want attention, more than they want to inform the public of an injustice. Now, if the festival was paid for and sponsored by Goldman Sachs or Lehman Bros., and the soup being served was made from the ground up bones of unemployed Americans who went into default on their mortgages, that would be a different story.

I'm often reminded of a great line in Oliver Stone's Jim Morrison biopic The Doors. The entire movie script is pretty much Jim Morrison wandering around being profound and prophetic, and waxing philosophical over every little thing. But there is one instance...one little line, when Morrison has just recorded one of his uber-intellectual, drippy, philosophical poems. He stands up from his session and says: "C'mon let's get some tacos."

Note to Occupy the Hamptons: Sometimes even Jim Morrison knew when to give it a rest!

HarborFrost 2012: We did it wrong

In the spirit of reducing our snark by at least 20% I decided to participate in HarborFrost 2012, held last Saturday in Sag Harbor. For the uninitiated, Sag Harbor, though considered the "Hamptons, has managed to blend its Hamptons Bourgie-ness with its shipping and whaling roots--so much so that it's my favorite section of the east end.

Sure, I can still get a cup of coffee for under a buck, but I can also sit on a bench and check out hot rich girls that would never give me the time of day. It's a perfect storm of literary romance, hard drinking, and women that make you dream of one day hitting it big.

HarborFrost is in its second year in Sag Harbor, and actually a great idea for generating revenue and adding some color to the long, gray winter. Restaurants get a chance to test their food before the big season swings around, artists and musicians get to fine-tune their acts and showcase their work at ease, and the kids are happy to take part in anything that will distract them from killing themselves because there's nothing else to do on the east end in the winter.

There was a whole itinerary of things to do and see at HarborFrost, but naturally I missed all of them, except the afternoon highlight: The Frosty Plunge. It was on my bucket list anyway, so I figured why not: I love Sag Harbor, I'll get there early, check out the sights, grab a cup of joe, and then head down to the Long Wharf, strip off my clothes and jump into a broiling sea of ice water.

I had some company: three nephews, age 21, 19, and 10, and my niece, age 11. We got there just in the nick of time--3:30 p.m.-- sort of missed the countdown bullhorn and dove into the water, sans coffee, sans sightseeing, sans food-sampling, and sans warmth. Also sans soup, because by the time we got dressed at the dock, the complimentary soup had all been doled out to the Occupy the Hamptons people. (More on them in another blog).

Now freezing cold and shivering, we all agreed to hop back in our cars and head home. So, all told, I was at HarborFrost for roughly...mmm...25 minutes. I heard there were fireworks later that night. Would have been nice to see that. Yeah, HarborFrost 2012. We did it wrong.

Breaking News: Bored People Hate Everything

Especially art. Especially when it's not tucked away out of sight. This bit of local color made its way to the pages of the Wall Street Journal. Apparently some blue-hairs from Sag Harbor are screaming "code violation" over a 16-foot sculpture by the late Larry Rivers. The sculpture is a pair of long, white, shapely woman's legs with garters at the thigh. Which begs the question: who's Larry Rivers?

I guess we're a bunch of troglodytes here at Hamptonyte, because we didn't know he's sort of a big deal. He moved out to the Hamptons with the rest of the crew: DeKooning, Pollack, et al. And now he's dead. Which, in the art world, means he's finally starting to make money.

In either event, the 16-foot legs, which are nothing more than a naked pair of out-of-scale mannequin legs, is perched up alongside the "temporary home" (whatever that means) of two art dealers: Janet Lehr and (the very pretentiously one-named) Vered. Together, they run the Vered Gallery out of an old Baptist church in the village.

So the neighbors are predictably pissed. We say predictably because, after all, this is a nation that doesn't know how to handle a woman and her naughty bits. What if school children see it? Or the elderly? Now they're trying to sweep the leg, by claiming it violates some building code about structures maintaining a certain height. Basically they're trying to nail Al Capone for tax evasion. It's sort of like when Mayor Giuliani lost all his hair because an artist painted the virgin Mary with elephant dung. He couldn't execute the artist, so he went after the funding at the Brooklyn Museum.

Hey, credit the WSJ for finally putting to bed the proper spelling of "whack" in "whack job!" As in:
"I heard this guy is a whack job," says Charles McCarron, who owns the house next door to the one with the big legs outside. "This is not Greenwich Village."

Actually, Greenwich Village is no longer Greenwich Village, probably because of douchebags like McCarron. So in short: villagers in Sag Harbor are outraged by a sculpture created by a well-known artist, but they aren't outraged that there's someone living in their village who only goes by the name Vered?

Cynthia Rowley to Montauk: "Shut Up And Be Chic!"

Here's a little vapid fashion wrap to thrust us officially into the deep (or should we say shallow?) end of summertime in the Hamptons.

Cynthia Rowley is opening a boutique shop in Montauk this summer. Fisherman with chum guts under your nails? Go wash up! Surfer not completely sure if you've showered lately? Put this on! Ornery barfly at Salovars or the Lucky Saloon? Now you can lament life in style!

We can't think of a worse place to put a shop that will sell wares from a designer who holds a Perry Ellis Award, and neither could Rowley. In an attempt to maintain the drinking town's austere, alcoholic, and depressed image, Rowly is simply putting a sign that says "Shop" on the awning. And she's placing it next to the Memory Motel. And she's hosting a summer concert series at the Memory. So, you know...treat her like a little sister, Montauk, even is she is trying to dress you up like her dolls and make you all fabulous.

In other news, Hamptons.com did 22-year-old apple-cheeked and well-connected fashion designer Lauren Gabrielson no favors by pretty much printing Gabrielson's press release wholesale on their web site. Gabrielson, if you've never heard of her, is Ginny Hilfiger's hand-crafted puppet who came to life and launched her own line. That's her on the right in the picture above. Note Ginny's hand is in position to operate Lauren's mouth and moveable parts. Anyway, now Ginny is helping her open a boutique in Sag Harbor called? Drum roll, please....LaurenG. Stunningly, Lauren Gabrielson's PR team has really glowing things to say about Lauren Gabrielson.

"Gabrielson is a 22-year-old designer ready to make her mark on the industry."

"Gabrielson's trademark style has an influence of vintage lingerie, mixing femininity with soft, silky colors (which is masculinity?)"

Welcome Gabrielson at her open-house event on June 5 at 4 p.m., and get a chance to operate the human-size puppet yourself! The address is 112 Hampton Street, on the corner of Route 114 and Jermain Avenue. And godspeed, Lauren Gabrielson, 22, and ready to make your mark. Godspeed.

School Budget Recap

Thanks to 30 people who had cars last night, Sag Harbor school teachers don't have to move back in with mom and dad, Southampton residents are fine with budget surpluses, some serious poaching going on at East Hampton schools, and whenever a Westhampton Beach athlete gets a serious rug-burn, think of 4 douchebags. Last night's budget wrap below:

All of the east end's school budgets passed last night, some margins closer than others.

Sag Harbor: 1,051 to 1021. Just 30 votes decided a budget proposal that everyone involved was so scared of failing, they were talking the crazy talk of salary freezes and newbie layoffs. No word yet on whether this close shave will cause a civil war-like divide amongst the community. Until then, enjoy your 6.7% increase, Sag Harboranianites(?)

Tuckahoe: 212-193. It took only 19 extra votes to pass this 16.5 million dollar budget. There would have been blood running in the streets, but then everyone realized that no one knows where the hell Tuckahoe School District is, or who attends it. Phew!

Southampton: 595-499. Hamptonyte Blog posted an e-mail conversation with BOE member Dr. Laura McMahon about her lone dissent of this budget proposal, and although the 96-vote margin is pretty wide, obviously 499 people who turned out think a budget surplus three years in a row should have protected them from further increases in the tax levy. It didn't. Now how to tell Johnny his trip to Europe this summer is on hold? Hmmmm.

Bridgehampton: 216-61. A landslide. But then again, how could it not be? This year's proposal called for a nearly $62,000 reduction in its operating costs. So that's a good thing, right? Residents are currently on the lookout for these 61 voters for purposes of forced sterilization.

Sagaponack: 25-2. Sagaponack is not a real school district. We're convinced.

Hampton Bays: 1,078-945. A 43.8 million dollar budget, all said.

Westhampton Beach: 584-298. But its $49 million budget passing is not the real story. The real story is how much of that $49 million is earmarked for lawsuits when its ill-advised artificial turf athletic field starts dishing out turf-rash not experienced since pornstars stopped getting shagged on orange carpeting. The proposal to carpet an earth that grows completely real grass was passed by a slim margin of 4 votes. Remember them, linebackers of the future! You may want to knock on their doors.

And in other news...

Southampton School District announced that it had suspended two administrators, Principal Adam Fine, and Assistant Principal Maria Mondini for reasons undisclosed. Of course, everyone assumed they were up to something kinky of the janitor's closet variety. Turns out, Southampton was just pissed. Pissed that they got poached by East Hampton High School, which is where they will begin their new jobs.

"East Hampton School Board member John Ryan said the hiring process was kept quiet so as to not put Mr. Fine or Ms. Mondini’s jobs in jeopardy."

Bang-up job, guys.

UPDATE: Just got e-mail confirmation from a Southampton Board of Ed member, that the suspensions of Fine and Mondini are to be served WITH pay, so...yeah, that was a pointless suspension.

BLT East?

According to some foodie blogs, chef Laurent Tourondel is planning to take over the Sag Harbor space that housed the restaurant formerly knowns as Grappa. According to Tourondel, "no deal is signed yet," but he's got his eyes on it.

Apparently the French-born chef has a house in East Hampton. Tourondel's "BLT" restaurant chain was all over Manhattan, broken into specialty dish categories (BLT Fish, BLT Burger, BLT Steak, etc..) until he broke with his partner Jimmy Haber. Now he runs the sole space BLT Market. Hamptonyte Blog has actually eaten at BLT Burger (pictured above) and BLT Prime. The brisket was out of this world, but for the most part Tourondel's ego outpaces the quality of his recipes by a long shot. We feel like such insiders (it's an icky feeling) but let's just say we've been around Laurent a fair amount of times and weren't shocked to learn the break-up with Haber was LT's idea.

High prices? Check. Egomaniacal executive chef? Check. Soon-to-run sycophantic restaurant review from the Hamptons press corp? Check. It'll be like Grappa never left! And now this frees up Grappa owner and attorney Eddie Burke Jr. to defend more rich brats who run people over this summer, so everybody wins! And by wins I mean loses.

In Other Bay Street Theater News

Much ado has been made about a second stage of the theater in Sag Harbor being dedicated to extremely veteran actor Eli Wallach and his wife of 62 years, Anne Jackson.

The reason? According to this East Hampton Star article, "The choice of naming the stage after Anne and Eli was effortless as they have been such wonderful supporters of Bay Street since its inception. We feel so lucky to have their name on our Second Stage as they are the embodiment of everything that is wonderful in the theater.”

The festivity kicked off last weekend at the theater, where if you were feeling generous, you shelled out $150 for a show and drinks in the lobby beforehand. A cool $500? That earned you dinner afterward at the American Hotel, where you can pretend to actually hang out with Eli and Annie. Miss Jackson, if ya nasty.

Missed the whole damn thing? Yeah, me too. That's okay. For $250 you can be a "construction angel" at Bay Street and purchase "virtual bricks," to help you build fairy seats in a cloud of actresses dust, fanned with unicorn tails. Or, you know, you get your name on a plaque. Seriously what's with all the lying?

Situation Wanted: Hard Worker Seeking Boss That Doesn't Mind Screwing Around On Company Computer

So the village of Sag Harbor fired a part-time employee for "inappropriate use of a village computer."

Quote: Both [Mayor Gilbride and Deputy Mayor Scarlato] said they couldn’t discuss the issue in more detail because of legal restrictions on personnel matters.

Yeah...we're guessing porn too. Chin up, Alan Steel. It rises up to snag the best of us!

Sag Harbor School Teachers Want Their Mommies

Starting with this whole debacle going on with the Sag Harbor School district, the teachers union there is actually, seriously, remotely even considering the possibility of taking a salary freeze to "save" the budget. You know, the budget that hasn't even failed yet. And needs to fail twice before it goes to a state-run contingency budget?
All this so they can save the untenured teachers that are always held hostage in these administration vs. union budget pissing contests.

My advice? Let em' shoot the hostages. So you lose a few apple-cheeked 22-year-olds, too bad. It's better than opening the first combination to union busting. WWJHD? What Would Jimmy Hoffa Do? I'll tell you what he'd do. He'd let NYS shoot the hostages.