How Many Dead? So Sad. Hey, Buy My Album!

File this one under "unimpressed releases." We want you to meet Michael Weiskopf. If there is a poor man's Bob Dylan, Michael Weiskopf is that person's poor man. Oh the plight of musicians; they grind it out for years hoping to get their big break. Fortunately the internet has provided a myriad of opportunities to expose that desperation. It's hard to draw attention to your work. And when the going gets tough, the tough capitalize on mass murder in the form of a badly written press release to increase SEO, draw people searching for information on the crime and get them to check out your latest song that's loosely related to gun violence.

What? Isn't that what they do?

So Michael Weiskopf, whose website is here, wrote a song in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre called "Guns Don't Kill." From what we've gathered after spending literally dozens of seconds researching this guy is that he's based out of the Hamptons. His website is created by Hamptons Web Design, and he has radio appearances centered out east.

Today, he accidentally decided to promote his music with this headlined release: "Latest Shooting Underscores New Anti-NRA Rant." 

OK, first: calling your song a "rant" is probably not the best tactic. Secondly, the lead graf calls attention to the recent shooting in "Santa Monica."

On May 23, a young man in Isla Vista, Cal. went on a shooting and stabbing spree reportedly because he kept striking out with women. Whatever the matter, he senselessly took six lives and wounded a number of others before finally turning the gun on himself. He committed this crime near UC Santa Barbara and one of his targets was a sorority house off campus.

Santa Barbara. Not Santa Monica. Which is not that bad of a mistake unless you're writing this press release as your attempt to mark your solidarity and empathy for the victims. Oh wait.

Then there's this to consider. One year ago this week, there WAS a mass shooting in Santa Monica, where another six people were killed, (including the shooter) making it entirely plausible that this "gaffe" was in fact, no mistake, but a press release that was repurposed and sent out again in the wake of the Santa Barbara killings.

So you're capitalizing on TWO mass murders? And you don't even have the decency of a proofreader to make sure your opportunism isn't so transparent?

Oh self-promotion: I love you. Oh Hamptons: I love you more!

Reynolds Dodson: We Goofed On You, But We Didn't Want You To Die

Credit: The Southampton Press

Some sad news coming out of the land made of happiness cocktails and bunnies' noses. Columnist for the Southampton Press Reynolds Dodson has died, after battling cancer. He was 74.

Dodson lived in Water Mill with his wife Susan, and contributed a column entitled "The View East," which won six New York Press Awards, according to this obit in the Press.  He also authored a number of books and edited numerous magazines, including Family Weekly and Reader's Digest.

But it was his last book A Cockeyed Guide to the Hamptons that got our attention last year. We goofed on him (here) for the silly press release announcing the book, which was plastered on every free PR distribution site in existence. It spawned a checklist of how you too can be fakin' it till you're makin' it in the Hamptons. The release was clearly written by Dodson himself, and more than likely distributed himself. The book was self-published, self-promoted, and completely not self-aware, as it makes fun of people with pastel-colored shirts who carry dogs. (Umm, see picture above that ran in his obit.)

But...however hard we goof, however strongly we might seem to resent a person or their actions, however badly we may trample them for their seeming self-absorption, incestuous legitimacy, and fakery...we are not so heartless that we can't recognize that a human being who was loved, who was somebody's husband, son, colleague, or maybe even inspiration...has died. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Hamptonyte Blog...the bell tolls for thee.

Except Ramona Singer from Real Housewives of New York. Fuck that bitch.

Rule #127: When commenting on a blog...know who you're defending

Many moons ago, we published in an innocuous little blog piece entitled The Worst. Press Release. Ever. It was a press release that didn't, um...release anything. It wasn't a new promotion, it wasn't an incident, it wasn't details on a new store opening. It was a synopsis of a party thrown by a rich couple, featuring amateur acts all coralled by a man in the know in the Hamptons: Tariq Alexander.

His "network" is called TSW, The System Within, and apparently it's a social network for wanna-be celebrities looking for their big break, not by auditioning, or working hard at their craft, or conceptualizing something amazing and fresh, and new. No. By going to the parties where powerful people hang out and basically throwing themselves at them. It's a form of charlatanism we often overlook in our culture. The by-product of our short-cut, American Idol, skip-the-line, skip-the-hard-work, go right to the front because you're special mentality.

The post sat dormant for months until suddenly we got inundated with multiple comments from "users" (appropriate word) of Tariq's network, The System Within.

Even though you believe the press release mentioned in the original post may not have been the most well written announcement of the Hamptons event, I fully support the spirit of what they were trying to accomplish. I have worked with TSW in the past and found it to be an incredibly helpful organization. They have always bent over backwards to help me with any problems or questions that I have encountered and have been a great resource for connections within the entertainment world. As mentioned by the poster above, the entertainment industry is incredible difficult to break into and having the resources of TSW at my disposal have made the audition process and the endless search for new contacts much easier. From my point of view, knowing the assistance that TSW has provided to me in the past, this event sounds like it was a wonderful opportunity for those involved to network and show off their talents. Although the press release did not relay what it was meant to, I think it is important to look beyond it to the important service that TSW is providing to its clients. I have fully enjoyed and appreciated the assistance I have received from Mr. Alexander and his company would urge others trying to break into entertainment to consider using TSW as a resource.

And

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with TSW. I've been using it myself for quite some time now and personally I love it. I've received a lot of helpful insight and tips that previously did not occur to me. I've also received various career and network opportunities that proved to be very useful. I've also spoke with others who have worked with the company in the past, including those I’ve recommended, all of whom have given positive feedback.

For a while we felt bad for throwing poor Mr. Alexander under the bus. But at long last, the universe makes sense again. Our last commenter dropped us a little alley-oop by way of some link love to multiple news sources reporting that Alexander's "TSW" business is under investigation for developing a pyramid scheme, whereby the number of referrals and paid users funnels money upward for not a whole lot of Return On Investment. The links are here, and here. So yeah. There's a lesson for the above commenters. Before you go out on a limb for someone, make sure it isn't rotten to the trunk. And by rotten, we mean Pyramid Schemes. And by Pyramid Schemes, we mean Tariq Alexander.

Study Hamptons Culture: Get Paid...Nothing

Sorry. That's the way internships go. But if you haven't heard back from a real job yet, or you already got turned down for that job as a public restroom attendant, or a sewage worker, or the guy holding a sign, waving to motorists, or the "geek" in "Shoot the Geek," or a waiter at Chucky Cheeses, there's one more option.

Hamptons.com is looking for interns. They put out a press release, and with a straight face tried to lure you in with the golden opportunity to learn journalism this summer .

Kids...you're going to learn many things at that internship. You'll learn the difference between a cosmo and a martini. You'll learn how to cozy up to celebrities. You'll learn how to re-can press releases. How to get invited to all the right parties and how to dangle your camera in front of you when you get there. How to use over-the-top hyperbolic language when describing a person, a party, or a dish. (fabulous, fantastic, fantastimonious, superberrendous!) You'll learn how to decipher between important people and not-important people. You'll learn how to ignore the not-important people. But you'll never. Ever. Ever. Learn journalism.

But hey, it's something to do, and maybe you'll meet Pauly Shore.

Copywright Alert! Don't You Dare Steal This Word

The "Hamptons Business Strategy" strikes again. This time a baker posted this press release announcing her very exciting move to Sunset Avenue in Westhampton. But this is just not any store. No. It's a cupcakery, where she specializes in "Cuptails." And if we knew how to put the little "TM" in the upper right-hand corner of the word, we would. As it stands, we're risking serious jail time for copyright infringement, because she actually, very seriously, quite intentionally TRADEMARKED the term "Cuptail." Perhaps we'll just shorten the font. CuptailsTM.
There you go.

Sign your trademarked product isn't going to catch on? Having to explain what the heck it is in the subheading of your press release:

"Cuptail™ Hour Has Arrived in the Hamptons
Cupcake Lounge™ Capitalizes on the Cupcake Craze with Cuptails™. Combine Cupcakes with Cocktails and you Get Cuptails™, Cupcakes for Adults"

Meh. And exactly how many TM's do you need to put at the end of your unfortunately trademarked word in a press release? One. Not EVERY time you mention the word. ONCE. That's right, PR flack extraordinaire. Take you finger off the "insert symbol" tab...and slowly back away.

Anyhow, the cupcakeTM place held an opening receptionTM last week at the Hamptons Wine ShoppeTM in WesthamptonTM. Did anyone attendTM? E-mailTM us and let us knowTM.

In related news: there already exists "cupcakes for adults." It's called whiskey and cigarettes.

Rule #121: Hamptons.com Must Tell Us What "Inno-Trendy" Means

Does Hamptons.com actually have writers on staff? Or is it just a few trained monkeys uploading press releases to their Web site? Are they all in hibernation until the next post-Memorial Day white-party? If so, why doesn't the site just shut down for the winter?

Item: this canned release from the good people at o.d.m. watches. You know, the "internationally acclaimed timepiece arbitrators?" We don't even know what the last half of that sentence means. Nor do we know what "inno-trendy" means in the second sentence of this press release. Maybe if a Hamptons.com staffer was around to actually re-purpose the release and maybe call somebody at o.d.m. to clarify, we'd know. Naw...too much work.

Anyway, the exciting news is supposed to be that these watches (which look like the eggs from which Yo Gabba Gabba characters hatched) is now available in the U.S. Phew...we've been waiting for this day to arrive.

A Cockeyed Guide To Self Promotion

Reynolds Dodson is winning the press release war. Y'all know who Reynolds Dodson is, don't you? Why he's the five-time NY Press Award-winning columnist for the Southampton Press. That's okay, if you didn't know who he is, you should soon, because a simple Google search of his latest self-published book A Cockeyed Guide To The Hamptons (which is self-published) turns up dozens of hits. Unfortunately those hits are all briefed by the same opening sentence to the same press release about Dodson's self-published book, which is self-published and available at Amazon.com.

You know what else is self-published? Dodson's press release! "A Cockeyed Guide To The Hamptons Offers Amusing Insight," touts the self-published headline about the self-published book by self-publisher Reynolds Dodson. Who thinks this book offers amusing insight? Self-publisher Reynolds Dodson, that's who. And who knows the amusing qualities of Reynolds Dodson's self-published book better than Reynolds Dodson?

Here's a cockeyed guide to Hamptons literary legitimacy:
1. Self-publish book
2. Draft your own press release
3. Distribute said press release on every free PR/press release wire service and local media looking to fill space
4. Draft press release in a tone that seems to imply you did not draft your own press release.
5. Bank on local media outlets being too lazy to ignore the non-story of your self-published book, or at the very least re-word the press release so it maybe seems as though they put thought into filling their editorial space.
6. Pull up a bar stool at 75 Main, order a martini, and casually drop your self-published success to the bombshell next to you.
7. Rinse and repeat

Jay Flagg, Inventor of Real Estate, Can Not Be Stopped

You might slow him down. But he'll catch up. And when he does, he will drag your soul through the slime, flame, and ash of Hades. You will bargain with his red face, but his grinning maw will force you to surrender all hope.

We can now officially say "mogul." This is the mogul we blogged about back in July. Jay Flagg dared to fly too close to the sun, and the powers that be at Prudential Douglas Elliman melted his wings and he plummeted to the earth to live among us mortals. But the folks at PDE were not aware that, like Rocky Balboa, he spent his time down here lifting logs and trudging through snow, and chasing chickens. And now, like the phoenix of old, he has risen from the ashes.

According to this press release from Saunders & Associates, Flagg was discovered cowering behind their building, using the dumpster cover to shelter him from the falling rain. Founder Andrew Saunders was holding the Wall Street Journal over his head and skipping quickly to his Jag when he saw Flagg.

"Are you lost?" he asked. "Do you know where your parents are?" Flagg wiped his runny nose with a dirty sleeve and said nothing. Saunders reached out to grab Flagg's hand, but Flagg quickly bit him and slithered deeper into the recess of the alleyway.

Eventually he was lured out with some warm milk and given a desk, and a new tie, and a hot towel shave, and a Rolodex.

Now the world must prepare, for he is back! Jay Flagg is back! And ready to put his name as big as he wants on as many advertisements as he wants! But Andrew Saunders doesn't know this yet. No one does. Andrew Saunders does not realize the demon he has unleashed. The wrath he has loosed upon the four corners of the earth. He doesn't realize his own doom. The doom of his advertisements. And when the time comes, he may be powerless to do anything.

Said Jay Flagg: "I have decided to join Saunders because of their proven ability to provide superior experiences for clients and customers but most of all for how their talented marketing and technology team empowers their agents and anticipates their needs. Saunders has become 'the' luxury real estate brand and it will be refreshing to work in a company that is entirely focused on the Hamptons instead of an after-thought which is typical of the New York City centric brokerages."

Not a word about how he was shitcanned for boldfacing his name on PDE's ads. Such is the genius of this magnificent bastard!

Badvertising

Almost as if they were striving to be the creepiest, sleaziest, most opportunistic company on the planet, Norton, the creators of the anti-virus spyware and malware programs, have actually honed in on Lindsay Lohan's legal troubles to promote their product. And somehow they got Lohan to play along! Well, not somehow, they paid her! Still...this is as sleazy an approach as you can get.

Buy our product so you can cyberstalk and rubberneck the Lindsay Lohan train wreck and still sleep the deep, quiet slumber of a person not worried about viruses. I need to go wash. Check out this press release. Not even her dad would do this. We think.

Cynthia Rowley to Montauk: "Shut Up And Be Chic!"

Here's a little vapid fashion wrap to thrust us officially into the deep (or should we say shallow?) end of summertime in the Hamptons.

Cynthia Rowley is opening a boutique shop in Montauk this summer. Fisherman with chum guts under your nails? Go wash up! Surfer not completely sure if you've showered lately? Put this on! Ornery barfly at Salovars or the Lucky Saloon? Now you can lament life in style!

We can't think of a worse place to put a shop that will sell wares from a designer who holds a Perry Ellis Award, and neither could Rowley. In an attempt to maintain the drinking town's austere, alcoholic, and depressed image, Rowly is simply putting a sign that says "Shop" on the awning. And she's placing it next to the Memory Motel. And she's hosting a summer concert series at the Memory. So, you know...treat her like a little sister, Montauk, even is she is trying to dress you up like her dolls and make you all fabulous.

In other news, Hamptons.com did 22-year-old apple-cheeked and well-connected fashion designer Lauren Gabrielson no favors by pretty much printing Gabrielson's press release wholesale on their web site. Gabrielson, if you've never heard of her, is Ginny Hilfiger's hand-crafted puppet who came to life and launched her own line. That's her on the right in the picture above. Note Ginny's hand is in position to operate Lauren's mouth and moveable parts. Anyway, now Ginny is helping her open a boutique in Sag Harbor called? Drum roll, please....LaurenG. Stunningly, Lauren Gabrielson's PR team has really glowing things to say about Lauren Gabrielson.

"Gabrielson is a 22-year-old designer ready to make her mark on the industry."

"Gabrielson's trademark style has an influence of vintage lingerie, mixing femininity with soft, silky colors (which is masculinity?)"

Welcome Gabrielson at her open-house event on June 5 at 4 p.m., and get a chance to operate the human-size puppet yourself! The address is 112 Hampton Street, on the corner of Route 114 and Jermain Avenue. And godspeed, Lauren Gabrielson, 22, and ready to make your mark. Godspeed.

The Worst. Press Release. Ever.

There will probably be others, and perhaps we'll hold a contest, but for now...This is. The worst. Press release. Ever.
I heart PRLog. I heart them forever, for posting this release and distributing it over their wires and actually allowing people to accidentally read it. It brightens even the most cantankerous of dispositions.
In short, TSW World Entertainment Network has a CEO. Tariq Alexander. Tariq Alexander has a couple friends. Namely, Joan and George Hornig. Joan, a bored housewife who whittles away the remains of her day making jewelry and using her husband's money to foist it on people, invited Tariq Alexander to their home in the Hamptons. They also invited on recommendation, some young wannabe performers to showcase their talent. Tariq Alexander, CEO of TSW (which stands for "The System Within," a business name fraught with meaning to Tariq Alexander and only to Tariq Alexander) wrote a press release about the party. Then he solicits your business at the end of it. And that's the news.
The worst. Press release. Ever.

Get Your Snob On!

Some blogs know us better than we know ourselves. They're in our heads. Earlier this week, suck-up blog Societe Perrier, which is French for "Slavery Will Return," posted this little snippet about a soon-to-open restaurant/lounge/club/nirvana/impervious-to-God's-wrath-sanctuary in East Hampton, and somehow we're already feeling the coming change to our lives because of it.

"With less than 2 weeks until Memorial Day weekend, everyone is starting to buckle down and decide how they will spend their weekends out east." We are?
"The question on my mind is what will Derek and Daniel do?" Who?
"Whether you're parking or docking, once you are inside it is the same crazy brunch you've come to know and love." Crazy brunch I've come to know and love? It's brunch, people. When I think brunch, I don't think crazy, I think, run the other way because someone's trying to get me to wear boat-shoes.

Derek and Daniel turn out to be Derek and Daniel Koch. Ahhhh. Of course! Derek and Daniel Koch, yeah I still have no clue. But they've teamed up with Michael Wainstein. You know, Michael Wainstein? Nothing? Yeah, me neither. But he climbs into the hyperbolic chamber with Societe Perrier.

"Being on the water this year, we're setting sail with an even bigger concept and bringing the yacht party ashore; whether they arrive by land or by sea, we're sure they're going to have a unique experience," says Michael Wainstein.

And that in no way sounds like a canned quote from a press release. Congrats, Societe Perrier, you've succeeded in writing a post that actually makes people hope the SS Koch Twins sail a bit too close to starboard of a band of Somali pirates.