Pub Crawls Made Easier With Hamptons Hopper?

This summer the Hamptons will be graced with an alternative to Pink Tuna and the Hampton Jitney. Some whippersnapper entrepreneurs have come up with the Hamptons Hopper, a new venture designed to ferry drunk and self-important Abercrombie models to all the night spots from Montauk to Hampton Bays.

Using converted school buses (we can't wait to see the fashionistas try to look cool getting on the small bus), the Hamptons Hopper buses are painted green and boast air conditioning, lounge seating and plugins for iPhones.

In fact, the whole venture is very tech-savvy. Of course, like any business in the Hamptons, you can't just get on the friggin thing; you have to have a "membership," which starts at $20 and your membership card is basically showing the driver your iPhone.

In June, Hamptons Hopper plans to launch an iPhone App that allows you to track when and where the next small bus is heading your drunken way.

They're also hiring. On Board Ambassadors, for one, which is a dick title. You'd be more like a stewardess catering to 20-something booze floozies, but it's a living.

Planning to ride this new bus? Send us pictures and let us know if it's worth the membership. In the meantime, check out their website and Facebook page.

To be fair, I was sort of with this idea until I read: "You will have access to some complimentary refreshments.  Most importantly, you’ll meet a whole bunch of other intelligent and incredibly good-looking members at our stops and on our Hopper vehicles!"

What would a new Hamptons venture be without channeling its inner Derek Zoolander? Answer: one you didn't want to punch in the dick.

The Most Ridiculous Help Wanted Ads Pt. 2

We're chronicling some of the most corporate-inspired lines of BS to ever find its way into a job description or title. Last week we brought you the "Educator" position at Lululemon. This week's installment includes Nike's bizarre job title for its openings in Riverhead and Deer Park.

Nike Seasonal Athlete.

Athlete? Will Nike be sponsoring my long jump? Are they looking for someone to wear their shirts at the Winter Olympics?

You wish. No, the Athlete is what they call the people who stock the shelves and ring up customer purchases. Or as we used to call them: stock boys and cashiers.

Nike Athlete. A position that holds firmly to the optimistic notion that the young people we're targeting don't read past the headline.

The Most Ridiculous Help Wanted Ads Pt. 1

Here at Hamptonyte we pride ourselves on our continued unemployment because it permits us the delicious advantage of reading the most amazing help wanted ads and job descriptions this side of Goebbels. We also realize our unemployment is the direct result of that "karma" Bruce Buschel an anonymous commenter left with us on our blog post about Southfork Kitchens going belly up. 

Did you know you can be a Sandwich Artist in East Hampton? Sign me up! Also, if you apply for that job try not to be shocked when they hand you an apron and tell you to make sandwiches for people who come up to the counter during lunch time. Or, as you might know them: a Deli worker.

But here's one classic example from Indeed posted by East Hampton yoga and clothing studio lululemon athletica (we don't know why they lower case their store name, but the Hamptonsdouche is so strong in this post that we felt compelled to follow suit.)

They're looking for an Educator.

An educator? They're holding classes there?

No.

Apparently that's what they call their cash register people. Note:

"Their main role is to effectively educate our guests on the fabrics, features, fit and function of our product, our culture and the communities we belong to. By educating guests we empower them to make decisions for themselves based on the facts that we offer them. By doing this, the guesswork is taken out of shopping for customers, and a ‘Wow! It’s You!’ guest experience is created, leaving customers with the knowledge to educate others on behalf of lululemon athletica."

Wow, it's you!
Wow, what horseshit!

Seriously, who writes this stuff? It goes on and on like this before they finally get down to brass tax and tell you that you'll need a High School Diploma and a good mop. Also, you'll need a "strong personal sense of style," which means you'll be judged by a panel of salad eating designer monkeys at the interview so make sure your ish is tight.

We don't want them all choking on their vitamin water now do we?

Yes. Yes we do.

What's with all the horror films in the Hamptons?

We know it's a horrible place, full of fameballs, loud-mouths, vengeful deers, suicidal whales, dog-poop activists, pyramid schemers, sex-offenders and celebrity suck-up ass-wipes, but we didn't think it would attract peoples' homicidal fantasies.

Last month, Hampton Bays was host to Old 47, a horror film about Miley Cyrus desiring to put her younger sister through the same bullshit she has to endure. Now another film crew is looking to film "Horror in the Hamptons," by the end of February.

This Craigslist casting call doesn't give much on the plot details, but it could be an opportunity for local actors to embarass themselves land a screen role with a SAG-sanctioned film. The call asks for 5 men and 8 women to audition for parts. And, of course, the most important element of any successful actor in the history of acting: you must be good-looking.

If you're interested and you think you're good-looking enough to be in movies, break a leg. Please.

How Does All Kinds of Awesomeness Reside In One Person?

We're late to the Twitter game, and still haven't followed this man, but if you like Hamptonyte Blog, you'll love Hamptons handyman Joe Schwenk's Twitter account. It is filled with all sorts of nuggets about the type of requests he fills and people he encounters while doing odd-jobs for the Hamptons wealthy.

New York Magazine just printed a summer wrap-up article with Schwenk, who has over 6,000 followers on Twitter, all frothing at the mouth to hear what he encounters on a daily basis. Like my favorite new term "Beachtrepreneur," which perfectly sums up these women who have hitched their star to successful men and now find all sorts of time to whittle away the hours paddleboarding, taking instagram photos of themselves eating produce, and spin-cycling.

The best. Plus he has ginormous balls to risk losing business in a region that still has an old-school privacy about them. He even mentions some staff signing confidentiality agreements when hired. For those reasons, Hamptonyte Blog feels sad around him. Unaccomplished. Quite the posers, really. We can only wish for such access to that world.

So follow him. He's better than us.
But we're funnier. So follow us too! Go.

What if the South kept "concierges" in chains?

There would have likely been no Civil War! Instead of a slave trade, how nice does a concierge trade sound?

We stumbled on this advertisement for a company that specializes in consolidating the numerous ways Hamptonites can remain spoiled, weeping, drinking balls of incompetence. This particular brand of servitude goes by many different names. Concierge service. Luxury concierge. Personal concierge.

"Whether you need a rental home, reservations at the best Hamptons restaurant or a babysitting, pet-walking, dry cleaning-picking-up assistant, we've got you...We tailor our services to suit your every need, and we strive to ensure there is no limit to what we can do for you. At Open Minded Concierge, our relationship with our members is always treated with the utmost respect and extreme confidentiality."

Yassuh, we aims to please, and we please to aim, suh. Our prediction: By 2025, the American population will consist of two groups...the wealthy, and their "concierges." If we've said it once, we've said it a hundred times, the failure of the South was in its poor marketing efforts. No worries. It will rise again. And that fact pretty much blows.

Hamptons porno to shoot July 18

We're not sure if this is slated for the Hamptons International Film Festival yet, but while Dan's Papers has its eye on the very latest in the world of Royal Pains we'll be on the lookout for a porno that is set to shoot in the Hamptons this coming Monday.

According to this Craigslist casting call, Casting Director Steve Murphy held auditions late last month in South Huntington for not one, but two porno films. He was looking for sexy females between the ages of 18 and 30, to get paid a tidy sum of $2,500 each.

We reached out to Murphy, but unsurprisingly he never got back to us for comment on such questions as, "What hotel are you shooting in? What room? How can one get invited to the wrap party."

Here's to hoping the film shoot goes so well that the Hamptons becomes the next San Fernando Valley. You think a 7-11 opening in the Hamptons is bad, wait until Dirk Diggler walks into a Golden Pear and stirs his coffee without using his hands.

Study Hamptons Culture: Get Paid...Nothing

Sorry. That's the way internships go. But if you haven't heard back from a real job yet, or you already got turned down for that job as a public restroom attendant, or a sewage worker, or the guy holding a sign, waving to motorists, or the "geek" in "Shoot the Geek," or a waiter at Chucky Cheeses, there's one more option.

Hamptons.com is looking for interns. They put out a press release, and with a straight face tried to lure you in with the golden opportunity to learn journalism this summer .

Kids...you're going to learn many things at that internship. You'll learn the difference between a cosmo and a martini. You'll learn how to cozy up to celebrities. You'll learn how to re-can press releases. How to get invited to all the right parties and how to dangle your camera in front of you when you get there. How to use over-the-top hyperbolic language when describing a person, a party, or a dish. (fabulous, fantastic, fantastimonious, superberrendous!) You'll learn how to decipher between important people and not-important people. You'll learn how to ignore the not-important people. But you'll never. Ever. Ever. Learn journalism.

But hey, it's something to do, and maybe you'll meet Pauly Shore.

Badvertising: Hamptonyte's Guide to Nightmare Jobs

A new feature here on Hamptonyte will highlight job openings whose language in the advertisement should send up a red flag to anyone who might still have the luxury of picking and choosing what they wish to do for a living (if such people still exist.) From Craigslist, to MediaBistro, to CareerBuilders, we'll decode the language so you don't have to.

First up: This ad, which posted on Craigslist on October 27 for a "PR (public relations) Intern." What got our attention first? The word "whining." Kids...whenever a potential boss says he/she doesn't want "whining," RUN. Run far away. Because whining probably means you can't tell him about any obstacle that prevented you from performing your job. This could mean anything from a broken-down subway car, to accidental amputation. Ie: "stop whining about your arm getting chopped off, you totally have another one. Get back to work!"

"We would prefer to have someone from the Brooklyn area (Williamsburg/Greenpoint) as we don't want to have to deal with anyone whining about the incredible journey it was for them to travel from Manhattan to Brooklyn, late arrivals, etc. If you can handle the commute and don't think you need a passport to get here feel free to apply."

As if this isn't douchey enough, peep the other warnings to steer clear from this agency:

"This is not a job for someone who is going into PR for the parties, free gifts, chance to be on a reality show or to gawk at celebrities. If you're capable and a good representative of our team we'll bring you along to events, tapings etc. but don't expect it solely because you work with the agency."

Here's why you need to ignore this post. PR jobs are almost ALWAYS centered on parties, free gifts, and the chance to gawk at celebrities...it's what CREATED the industry in the first place. Any PR agency that pretends to divorce itself from that culture is LYING. They want to gawk at celebrities just as much as you do; they just don't have enough passes to get you into the joint. Next please.

Attention: Jobs You, You, and You Can Get!

In "This Week in The Weakonomy," there is some hope for all of us living in the Hamptons. With summer, comes jobs for all! Like this craigslist ad I sure hope nobody responds to. To quote:

"Actual, real movie producer seeks part time pool boy for the summer for his country home... "

Yick. But we need to pay bills, right? Sure I'm a little out of shape, but I'm confident I can scurry my beer-belly back and forth to serve this dude his drinks. Oh wait...

"You should be clean cut, All American looking and be comfortable/attractive in a speedo."

And he wants pictures to prove it. Dammit. Fat people have no way out of this recession. They might even be the cause of it!

This article in the Daily News highlights some of the other jobs available for those in desperate need of cash, but good luck. One Quogue family is "seeking a "houseman" who has "experience with museum-quality cleaning and care for antiques, silver and fine art."

We here at Hamptonyte Blog are not housemen. However, we are ass men. (Except Sean, who sometimes blogs here as a guest under our name. He called in to say he's a breast man.)

How about an upper East Side family that summers in Amagansett? They're paying "up to $100,000 a year for a classically trained private chef for "social and religious gatherings, political fund-raisers and philanthropic events."

But how much will they pay someone for them to lay out in the sun? That's what 21-year-old and apple-cheeked, the-world-owes-me-a-living-because-I-look-cute-in-this-bikini Sara Birkholz wants to know. She just completed studying poetry at NYU (yes, we weep for literature too.)

"Laying out is one of the favorite things to do," she said while basking in a pink-and-white bikini on the lawn in Washington Square Park. "If I could find an actual job that let me have time to do that, it would be nice."

But if you'd rather remain an objective observer of the Hamptons summer aquarium, and not climb down into the moat to be among them like Diane Fossey, there's other jobs. Like working in the marketing department for Plum TV. This ad, which is written in a way that actually makes it sound less appealing than it is (no small feat) appeared on mediabistro. Could be a good way to make money while laughing at how seriously people take themselves. Just don't say anything anti-semitic. Or they will fire you.

If none of these appeal to you, you can always act like unemployment is an "experience", like this trust-fund man-child called out in the Daily News article.

"Peter Slowansky, 29, of Williamsburg, Brooklyn would "never, ever" take a serv-ice-staff job, he said."The snobbery!" he said. "It's not a very good vibe. I just don't think it would be worth it. It would devalue my holiday experience."

Oh, get a job, you hipster loser!