Hamptons deer population, sick of everybody's shit too

 We've got helicopter noise ruining everyone's life. We've got Twitter accounts documenting rich people's problems (which aren't really problems at all). We've got blogs dedicated to calling out douchebags for their douchebaggery; we've got the term "citiots." And now...the deer are getting pissed off too.

And they're droppin' many suckas, one by one. According to this East Hampton Star report, the deer out there have turned kamikaze, diving out in front of cars left and right and disabling a 2008 Porshe driven by a person who uses an acronym for a first name.

Rule #376: If you use an acronym for your first name, or if you hyphenate your last name and you drive a Porche and it gets crushed by a deer...good!

A Dodge also got jacked up. One of five other car vs. deer incidents, according to the article. The story led off with a related police report about someone it was totally a deer who abandoned a Jeep SUV on the side of the road near Stephen Hands Path. When police arrived at the scene the Jeep had been used as a battering ram for utility poles and trees. They heard a rustling noise in the woods, as though the driver of the vehicle was escaping. No human suspect has been apprehended.

Lesson to take away: Deers are totally rippin' shit up out there!

Occupy the Hamptons Doesn't Occupy Common Sense

That grim looking fella to the left of this photo is right. We are the 99%. Especially us here at Hamptonyte Blog. We have all the requisite 99% problems: unemployment, disenfranchisement, disgust with corruption, irritation at the continued illusion we call the American Dream. Hell, we practically started this blog along similar sentiments.

We can't be so cynical as to criticize a small group of protesters holding up signs in a community that is veritably empty during the winter months, and sure to have them lined against a wall and executed arrested during the summer. Despite the usual Hamptons media eye-rolling these protests often create, we're pretty much on their side. We sort of admire the fact that reminders of the greed and corruption that plague our Republic will not be escaped when these creeps from Wall St. head out here on Memorial Day. For that we thank this small band of flies buzzing into the luxury ointment.

But we can't get on board their recent decision to occupy HarborFrost. It just doesn't make any sense. Simply pulling into the 7-11 parking lot, where a lot of the HarborFrost attendees parked, it was visibly evident by the lack of BMWs, Mercedes, and Audis, that many of us jumping into the frigid water were in the 99% and are most likely attending to take our minds off the struggle we endure daily.

I recognize there will always be some degree of shouting at the choir, but the last thing anybody wants to see at a festival, is a group of sober-faced grouches standing there with signs, reminding us how fucked we are change needs to take place in our capitalist system.

The occupy movement needs just a tad bit of PR in this spot. They already have policed themselves when it comes to individual members' behavior. Here's another instance where they should do so. Nothing makes the average person, liberal or otherwise, more turned off to a movement than when the movement doesn't know where or when to land its blows. The perception many walked away with during HarborFrost is that a bunch of sign-wielding, friendless shut-ins, with nothing better to do on a Saturday, attempted to hijack a fun event by drawing attention to themselves. The operative word "themselves." Not the movement. Or the message. Such is the importance of PR in this circumstance. The protest had absolutely no relevance to the festival, except for the fact that hundreds would be gathered in one spot. From a PR perspective, this screams the protestors want attention, more than they want to inform the public of an injustice. Now, if the festival was paid for and sponsored by Goldman Sachs or Lehman Bros., and the soup being served was made from the ground up bones of unemployed Americans who went into default on their mortgages, that would be a different story.

I'm often reminded of a great line in Oliver Stone's Jim Morrison biopic The Doors. The entire movie script is pretty much Jim Morrison wandering around being profound and prophetic, and waxing philosophical over every little thing. But there is one instance...one little line, when Morrison has just recorded one of his uber-intellectual, drippy, philosophical poems. He stands up from his session and says: "C'mon let's get some tacos."

Note to Occupy the Hamptons: Sometimes even Jim Morrison knew when to give it a rest!

Another Loss In Hamptons' War Against Convenience

Unbelievably, this is the SECOND 7-11 store slated to open in recent history, and quite frankly it's an outrage! What do these people think, we LIKE being able to grab a cup of coffee past 6 p.m.? Or get our hands on some NyQuil when our cough wakes us up in the middle of the night? Or grab some snacks at 4 a.m. when we're about to embark on a road trip?

They must. They must think that. But guess what? We don't. So to the construction worker that thankfully spilled the beans to a community activist in Amagansett, and let us all know that they're building another 7-11, we salute you. You tipped us off to the War-of-the-Worlds-like invasion. If you have any sense of decency at all, you'd quit that job. Or chain yourself to a bulldozer. And chant in unison with the rest of us: "Heck no, we won't get a bag of charcoal when we run out in the middle of having guests!" Too many syllables. Keep it here, we'll work on something.

Amagansett Fearful Of The Great Unwashed

Nixon should have encouraged Woodstock promoters back in 1969. Encouraged them to hold the three-day festival in Amagansett, that is! Then it would have never happened, and the damn hippie lib'rals wouldn't be runnin' the country today!

Well, it's early to call this one dead on arrival, but it looks like some Birkenstock-wearing pot-stirring outside agitators want to hold a three-day festival on a farm in Amagansett, and the neighborhood is already fighting over it. The East Hampton Patch has some pretty good coverage of the town meeting, including a Letter To The Editor from the owner of Bookhampton (whom we'll try to contact for comment). The meeting was contentious and full of all the speculation one can expect from a Hamptons community that would like to vote on the color of your drapes if they could. Some residents believe that when the concert's over, the attendees will go marauding through the streets of Amagansett flipping over cars and sending garbage cans through windows like Amagansett just won the Stanley Cup.

According to this blog, the promoters weren't specific about who would play the festival, but Bon Jovi and Billy Joel have been tossed around the rumor-mill. And they're only expecting about 9,500 attendees per day? Boy Billy Joel really has seen his better days behind him!

We'll have more on this as it unfolds, and trust us, it WILL unfold. Our hands are rubbing together with glee.

Law Defying Protest Cancelled. 'It Might Defy The Law'

In one of our old Dan's Papers recaps, Dan Rattiner tried to write an article on a planned act of civil disobedience from the Baymens Association to draw attention to the harsh new fishing restrictions they say are threatening their livelihood. The protest was supposed to go down in June, and from the tone of the article, it sounded like Dan was heading down there to get his head busted by a copper with a nightstick. Or, you know, fined and possibly arrested for catching three porgies.

Now the protest has been called off. Why? Because it might cause legal troubles for two baymen standing trial for illegally trading seafood without valid commercial licenses. They don't want the protest to run afoul of the law. What?

Pussies.

Thai Clashes Getting You Down? Phuket, Go To The Hamptons!

Solid rental and resort numbers in the Hamptons explained! Well, maybe. According to this article in Bloomberg News, Thailand is homorraging tourists because of political clashes taking place there. A band of rebel demonstrators are fighting with the country's army because they don't think the leader of Thailand was elected legitimately. Now the economy in Thailand has gone bhat-shit, and Phuket island is seeing a decrease in visitors.

Now the elephants are getting a break, lounging around in the pools because nobody is there to jump on their backs or be entertained by their tricks. So they're happy! I swear, elephants are so goddamn lazy.

Students Don't Get Mad Anymore, They Lawyer Up!

So it's not exactly storming the college president's office and hijacking the entire building circa 1969, but let's give a standing O to Stony Brook Southampton students who slapped a lawsuit against SBU's president and decider Samuel Stanley Jr. for allegedly cutting the undergraduate program at the Southampton campus because he felt like it.

The lawsuit has the support of local politicians. The students are hoping the lawsuit will cause enough distance and irritation for Stanley to reconsider his move to pull out of Southampton and leave the school vulnerable to the carousing wiles of the two graduate programs slated to remain, one of which is the very unruly and unpredictable Creative Writing program. The message? Don't abandon the campus to a bunch of drunks!

I'm sorry, were you expecting Kent State? These are students majoring in "environmental sustainability," people, cut them some slack.