Kardashian Stalker Arrives In Record Time

We swear, we never thought we'd write this much about the Kardashians, but this must be our fifth post? Consider it a public service announcement, because we think our "Hamptons" Google Alert we set up netted a pretty scary dude.

It's the blog of "evilsax," a multi-blogger who recently published two posts on his blog "Diary of a Republican Hater." In the first post, "I Drop Into The Hamptons During Kardashian Season," he pretty much divulges his obsession with Kourtney Kardashian and how he enlisted friends to drive him from Baldwin, NY out to Southampton to stalk the DASH store. When they arrive, the Kardashians are not there.

His grand plan when he sees them?  

I had been ready to tell Kourtney that Scott's a nice guy but 'we both know he's not worthy of you, that he doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated' which we would follow by a song-the Car's 'You Might Think'-and old 80s hit. Of course, we didn't see them. Our last ditch effort was to go to 75 Main St. for dinner but, of course, we had neglected to sign up for a reservation.

Even more interesting is that his one friend "Kev" brought another friend, "Pauly" and the two of them like to do a bit in public where one punches the other in the stomach as hard as he can.

 Often they get quite a kick out of it. We're trying to stoke things.

Yeah, so...

If his failed attempt to find her house in Noyac, or track her movement to the General Store in Noyac, or his failed attempt to catch up to her in DASH, or his last-ditch effort to find her at 75 Main doesn't scare you a little, his next blog should.

It's called "OK I Make The Case For a Mike Sax-Kourtney Kardashian Merger." Enough said, but we'll give you some nuggets anyway.

 Ok, so if I never get to make my case to Kourtney, much less serenade her with that Cars song-'You Might Think' what is my case? I mean why would she be interested in some totally random guy who she doesn't know and is some wildeyed super to boot? 

And...

So in a back drop of disappointment for the Kardashian women, could it be that we will be a breath of fresh air? I mean for Kourtney, maybe she can use a guy like me-with my Quixotic worship; I mean, compare this to what she's used to; indeed maybe the Kardashians will find super fans a refreshing change as they spend a lot of time around people who have a 'been there, done that' attitude to celerity. 

And...

I'm just going to try to get her autograph and hopefully get to talk to her for a few minutes, and sing the Cars song. Kev will do his shtick with his wrestling friend where he punches him in the stomach as hard as he can. The guy seems not to feel it. 

         Maybe such dorkishness will be a nice change of pace. Also, now that I have a little cash-nowhere their money, of course-she might like that a little better. I mean the one thing she certainly doesn't want is a guy who wants her money. 

Good luck, dude, go for it! Oh, but wait. Her kids. Darnit!

Actually, the one thing I'm less sure about is her kids. I have nothing against them, but it does seem that she's so involved with them she has no time for Scott. I don't think he's blameless-and naturally I'm going to take Kourtney's side no matter what-but I feel for the guy the way she makes him sleep in another room every night.

So yeah, he's coming back to the Hamptons in a "couple weeks" to stalk her again. That didn't take long, did it.

Dan's Papers Not Enough Punishment For East Enders

Because all the namewhoring, fameballing, and anecdotal rambling to be found within the weekly pages of San's Papers hasn't yet destroyed the earth; Dan Rattiner has written a sequel to his first unreadable collection of bleh, entitled "How I Woke Up On Third Base, But Think I Hit A Triple."

And he's going on tour! Well, he's traveling through all the fabulous Hamptons neighborhoods where's he's been the most annoying. Everyone is looking forward to his visits I'm sure. First stop? London Jewelers in East Hampton, where he'll read from his chapter "Steven Spielberg Doesn't Know Who I Am, But I Shook His Hand Once And It Was Totally Awesome." In this chapter he relates the story of all the wackiness that ensued during the filming of Jaws, and how he would have totally been in on it, but, you know. There's even a food fight! It's gonna be...hilarious.

Also, he'll be at the Sagaponack Post Office reading to a disinterested crowd of confused people with packages in their hands, who showed up thinking it was a post office. There he'll read from his chapter: "How I Tricked Kurt Vonnegut Into Thinking I'm Somebody He Should Be Friendly With." It's a great yarn. It includes a standing lunch (whatever the hell that means), and their eventual falling out over jealousy. Hamptonyte sincerely hopes the jealousy turns out to be Dan's and that he doesn't actually think Kurt Vonnegut would spend a nanosecond hand-wringing over his shortcomings in contrast to Dan Rattiner.

Anyway, the tour dates and locations (his poor, poor driver) are posted on his website, and we're sure the book promises to have more namedropping than the House Un-American Activities Committee. Enjoy! And by enjoy, I mean puke. And by puke, I mean e-mail me at news5525@gmail.com if you go to one of his readings. And may God have mercy on your souls.

This Weak in Medi-uh

We never thought it possible to have two media recaps, and we probably won't, going forward, but something must be done to stop Hamptons.com's party suck-up Sean MFK Bruns from filing his columns.

All the Hamptons a stage, and Bruns is merely a lighting-guy-who-wants-to-make-it-with-the-lead-role in it! From Design House in Southampton hosting a pathetic attempt at some invitation only "salon," to his unforgettable night of glitz and glamour above a car dealership on Old Riverhead Road, he feels insanely super about the coming summer. "Places everybody, places!" he actually wrote. We'll get right on that, Sean.

Unforgettable quote? and by unforgettable, I mean puke. "Last year other clubs were getting 'celebrities' like John Gosselin and Mike Lohan. Dune wouldn't even let those guys through the door," said a conveniently anonymous "club goer" about the second season of Dune's sad existence.

Um...yes they will. Though the anonymous club goer doesn't think so. In fact the anonymous club goer thinks all other clubs suck, except Dune. Thank God Sean Bruns found this anonymous club goer who happened to be moseying on down Jobs Lane in Southampton looking for someone in the press to get the word out that Dune is the one and only for him. Dune is the Hamptons. Dune invented night clubs! And puppies.

Towards the end of the article, there's some accidental reporting going on: updates on what's happening with some of the existing night spaces left abandoned like Bernie Madoff's whore, on the side of Sunrise Highway, eye-liner streaked down the face awash in tears.

Some of the details are yet to be worked out in those spaces, only weeks away from Memorial Day as of print time. But don't worry. Entitlement is a hardy fig. And we're sure that whatever happens to 75 Main in Southampton, or The Pink Elephant...the space will surely blossom into producing ripe, healthy toolbags like what attended Annona that seductive April evening. Above the car dealership.

And Sean MFK Bruns' tears will go from sadness, to elation. And then quickly back to sadness.

Serve Me Drinks, You Poor Person!

This is why I hate Hamptons party coverage. The obligatory slobber that neccessarily accompanies these things. Our victim: the Parrish Museum's Spring Fling! Which I'm sure is a well-intentioned meeting of the minds for both year-round and seasonal residents that happen to support and have a passion for the arts. But not according to Hamptons.com. No, it's so much more than that! It's practically the G-8 Summit.

My favorite line? And by favorite I mean the line that makes angels in heaven cry and punch a baby: "This is the major Southampton Spring event that brings out everyone who is anyone on the east end..." [emphasis, mine] Really? Sure, I mean look who was there! Dara Goldstein! Dr. Mark Kot! Countess Catherine Buxhoeveden!

Nothing? C'mon people, Kathy Rae!? Monica Ashe? What's with you people for not recogni...Suzanne Caldwall, Maria Greenlaw, Michael McDowell?!

Can we please take the phrase "everyone who is anyone" out behind the woodshed and shoot it once and for all? For once it would be nice to hear a lifestyle journalist from one of these rags acknowledge that everyone is someone. Alas, all our friend Sean MFK Bruns can muster is a few lauditory golf claps for the wait staff and how they managed to pull themselves out of the doldrums of being "no one" long enough to serve him his drinks at whim.