Rule #121: Hamptons.com Must Tell Us What "Inno-Trendy" Means

Does Hamptons.com actually have writers on staff? Or is it just a few trained monkeys uploading press releases to their Web site? Are they all in hibernation until the next post-Memorial Day white-party? If so, why doesn't the site just shut down for the winter?

Item: this canned release from the good people at o.d.m. watches. You know, the "internationally acclaimed timepiece arbitrators?" We don't even know what the last half of that sentence means. Nor do we know what "inno-trendy" means in the second sentence of this press release. Maybe if a Hamptons.com staffer was around to actually re-purpose the release and maybe call somebody at o.d.m. to clarify, we'd know. Naw...too much work.

Anyway, the exciting news is supposed to be that these watches (which look like the eggs from which Yo Gabba Gabba characters hatched) is now available in the U.S. Phew...we've been waiting for this day to arrive.

Amagansett Fearful Of The Great Unwashed

Nixon should have encouraged Woodstock promoters back in 1969. Encouraged them to hold the three-day festival in Amagansett, that is! Then it would have never happened, and the damn hippie lib'rals wouldn't be runnin' the country today!

Well, it's early to call this one dead on arrival, but it looks like some Birkenstock-wearing pot-stirring outside agitators want to hold a three-day festival on a farm in Amagansett, and the neighborhood is already fighting over it. The East Hampton Patch has some pretty good coverage of the town meeting, including a Letter To The Editor from the owner of Bookhampton (whom we'll try to contact for comment). The meeting was contentious and full of all the speculation one can expect from a Hamptons community that would like to vote on the color of your drapes if they could. Some residents believe that when the concert's over, the attendees will go marauding through the streets of Amagansett flipping over cars and sending garbage cans through windows like Amagansett just won the Stanley Cup.

According to this blog, the promoters weren't specific about who would play the festival, but Bon Jovi and Billy Joel have been tossed around the rumor-mill. And they're only expecting about 9,500 attendees per day? Boy Billy Joel really has seen his better days behind him!

We'll have more on this as it unfolds, and trust us, it WILL unfold. Our hands are rubbing together with glee.

A Cockeyed Guide To Self Promotion

Reynolds Dodson is winning the press release war. Y'all know who Reynolds Dodson is, don't you? Why he's the five-time NY Press Award-winning columnist for the Southampton Press. That's okay, if you didn't know who he is, you should soon, because a simple Google search of his latest self-published book A Cockeyed Guide To The Hamptons (which is self-published) turns up dozens of hits. Unfortunately those hits are all briefed by the same opening sentence to the same press release about Dodson's self-published book, which is self-published and available at Amazon.com.

You know what else is self-published? Dodson's press release! "A Cockeyed Guide To The Hamptons Offers Amusing Insight," touts the self-published headline about the self-published book by self-publisher Reynolds Dodson. Who thinks this book offers amusing insight? Self-publisher Reynolds Dodson, that's who. And who knows the amusing qualities of Reynolds Dodson's self-published book better than Reynolds Dodson?

Here's a cockeyed guide to Hamptons literary legitimacy:
1. Self-publish book
2. Draft your own press release
3. Distribute said press release on every free PR/press release wire service and local media looking to fill space
4. Draft press release in a tone that seems to imply you did not draft your own press release.
5. Bank on local media outlets being too lazy to ignore the non-story of your self-published book, or at the very least re-word the press release so it maybe seems as though they put thought into filling their editorial space.
6. Pull up a bar stool at 75 Main, order a martini, and casually drop your self-published success to the bombshell next to you.
7. Rinse and repeat

Why We Write

Because literature is the axe that breaks the frozen sea inside us. Because writers hold a mirror to culture and capture all that is beautiful and ugly about the celebration of human existence. Because writers lay down the gauntlet to challenge our preconceived notions of the cultural zeitgeist and body politic.

Or, you can just be Michael Braverman, lunatic at large for Hamptons Magazine, Contributor to Edible East End, and kids-party Ben Kingsley impersonator. He writes because...well...because he's on the east end and he wants to be the 1-millionth person to claim to be an authority on fine living. Visit his blog Hamptons Rich and Pour. Then immediately regret it.

What To Do When Your Kid Can't Stop Saying "Dildo" In School

Sue! Every so often someone leaves a window open in the house of the privileged, and this time around, that someone is Jennine Gourin, yes THAT Jennine Gourin, of the real estate executive/bearer of Jack Nicholson's love-child Gourins.

According to this extremely reliable Page Six article in the New York Post, Ms. Gourin is suing the bourgeois Ross School in East Hampton for allegedly hoisting her 13-year-old son into a hovel and only letting him out attached to a chain like "The Gimp" in Pulp Fiction.

But seriously, she's suing because the Ross School housed the future reality show ne'er-do-well in a basement apartment in Sag Harbor that did not meet Ms. Gourin's high standards when she eventually got around to swinging by the east end to check on her kid. But the real reason she's summoned her team of lawyers? Little Jimmy has been asked to leave the school because he kept saying "dildo" in class.

Sports figures routinely get fined about $50,000 if they're caught on camera cursing. The Ross School costs $56,000 per year in tuition. The lesson? It's cheaper to say dildo if you play second base for the Cincinnati Reds.

And now you know.

Badvertising: Make the Evening News Tonight!

This posting in Craigslist is as simple as it gets. If you answer this ad: you will die. This isn't about a bad boss. This is about a bad serial killer.

Words to watch out for in any advertisement: "seeking young attractive," "open minded," and "send a photo." When you hear any of these phrases, know that you are just an e-mail click away from rubbing the lotion on its skin.

Meet The New Crosswalk...Same As The Old Crosswalk

So according to the East Hampton Patch, a new local venture by the way, (welcome to the show, and prepare to be mocked), the village of East Hampton is proposing to install new lighted crosswalks at certain points along Main Street. The goal is to increase safety for pedestrians who can't decide if they want to celebrity-gawk along the west side of the road, or drink their $30 latte at a park bench on the east side.

According to Amy Tangel's article, the system will run off the old street light system, a system by which the pedestrians step out into the crosswalk without warning and assume their sense of entitlement will be enough to cause motorists to hit their brakes before Coco, the lapdog in a pink Gucci sweater, winds up under the wheel base.

(Photo Courtesy: East Hampton Patch. Meaning, we copy/pasted off their site.)