New Polls, New Polls!!

Our wildly successful poll section has been updated for the first time in a long time.

Our questions:

1: How many bimbos will stalk the outside of "Dash" (the Kardashian's new mafia front) to snap a selfie this weekend?

2: What type of events would you mark your calendars for this summer?

Take our poll and we'll add up the results. Or, you know. Ignore our poll and be like the remaining 7.1358 billion people on Earth.

Why Can't 'DASH' Go Through What Bookhampton Is Going Through?

Oh, this damn illiterate country. There's something just gut-cringing and teeth-gnashing about witnessing first-hand as people who either haven't earned, or don't deserve financial success celebrating their windfall, while earnest people have to beg in the streets.

And that's just what booksellers across America are doing. Recently the New York Times published an article on the absolute endangered species that bookstores in Manhattan have become, as each one falls victim to the $40,000 per month rent vs. two people bought something this week paradigm. In Manhattan, bookstores are down by 60%.

We initially rejoiced when Borders went belly-up, thinking that this would reopen the market to independent, mom-and-pops stores. No. People just don't read anymore. That's an overstatement, but you get the point. You know there is a cultural brain drain when it comes to the written word when Snooki's novel outsells Cormac McCarthy and Toni Morrison. It seems "You've Got Mail" only got it half-right. Perhaps the chain stores were our enemy in the late 90s, but a greater enemy seems to be our complete antipathy toward the written word unless it has been ghost written for movie stars and reality TV bimbos.

Which is why we are not surprised, but greatly saddened to receive this plea from the owner of Bookhampton, Charline Spektor:

Dear Friends and Neighbors and BookLovers: 

The most wonderful part of owning BookHampton has been the discovery of 
new books and the camaraderie of fellow readers. The saddest part is the 
awareness that all things, even those we cherish most, have days that are 
numbered. 

The frozen Winter and this very chilly Spring caught BookHampton in a 
grip that has brought us to our knees. We’re fighting to have one more 
Summer, and not to be bowed by the writing on the wall that forced our 
colleagues to close their doors. In NYC alone: Coliseum Books, Gotham, 
Endicott, Shakespeare & Co., Murder Ink, the lovely Madison Avenue 
Bookshop, the incomparable Books & Co., BN Lincoln Center and now 
Rizzoli – all gone. 

A good friend asked if there’s anything that we can do to hold on to 
BookHampton. As I tried to find one more answer, the brilliant metaphor of 
the great writer Anne LaMott came to mind. “My brother,” she wrote in 
Bird by Bird, “was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three 
months to write. It was due the next day… he was at the kitchen table close 
to tears… immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father 
sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 
'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'" 

So here then is my answer and a heartfelt request: Could you please help us 
take on the enormous challenge of saving BookHampton book by book. If 
every one of our friends, neighbors, and booklovers would be so kind as to 
buy one book today, it would make a true and immediate difference: 
bookhampton@bookhampton.com 

Please take a moment to order just one book right now from BookHampton 
Any book at all. bookhampton@bookhampton.com 

Tell us the book you’re looking for or let us make a great recommendation. 
We’ll hold it in store or ship it anywhere! 
Email: bookhampton@bookhampton.com 
Or call us : (631) 324-4939 or (631) 488-5953. 

BookHampton is the literary cornerstone of our community; 
the beach, the farms, and this bookstore enrich all our lives 
and nourish our souls. 

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time today to save BookHampton 
book by book. 

Charline 
 and Chris, Billy, Kim, Taylor, Mary, Sarah, Greg, Kate, Ken 

But, you know. Go ahead and shop at DASH. The Kardashians could use the money.

Pub Crawls Made Easier With Hamptons Hopper?

This summer the Hamptons will be graced with an alternative to Pink Tuna and the Hampton Jitney. Some whippersnapper entrepreneurs have come up with the Hamptons Hopper, a new venture designed to ferry drunk and self-important Abercrombie models to all the night spots from Montauk to Hampton Bays.

Using converted school buses (we can't wait to see the fashionistas try to look cool getting on the small bus), the Hamptons Hopper buses are painted green and boast air conditioning, lounge seating and plugins for iPhones.

In fact, the whole venture is very tech-savvy. Of course, like any business in the Hamptons, you can't just get on the friggin thing; you have to have a "membership," which starts at $20 and your membership card is basically showing the driver your iPhone.

In June, Hamptons Hopper plans to launch an iPhone App that allows you to track when and where the next small bus is heading your drunken way.

They're also hiring. On Board Ambassadors, for one, which is a dick title. You'd be more like a stewardess catering to 20-something booze floozies, but it's a living.

Planning to ride this new bus? Send us pictures and let us know if it's worth the membership. In the meantime, check out their website and Facebook page.

To be fair, I was sort of with this idea until I read: "You will have access to some complimentary refreshments.  Most importantly, you’ll meet a whole bunch of other intelligent and incredibly good-looking members at our stops and on our Hopper vehicles!"

What would a new Hamptons venture be without channeling its inner Derek Zoolander? Answer: one you didn't want to punch in the dick.

Kardashian's Landlord Hounded For Trying To Earn A Buck

So once again we are faced with the completely illogical phenomenon that is the Kardashians. Specifically we're referring to how successful their TV show is, despite the fact that seemingly the whole world wants them to pretty much die.

Fresh off totally reliable news outlet  Page Six of the New York Post, the villagers of Southampton are sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches to snuff out Irma Herzog. Her crime? Not responsibly going on welfare for the greater good of Keeping Out With the Kardashians. Herzog is the owner of The Driver's Seat and apparently the space adjacent to the long-standing eatery, which she rented out to the Kardashian girls for their pop-up store "Dash," which they'll be running for the duration of their reality TV show: "Muppets Take The Hamptons." 

Come on. Girl gotta eat.

Ever since word got out that Herzog dared to make a buck by leasing the space, she's been the subject of "harassment and torment," according to the article, which also quoted Jerry Della Femina, who oddly enough didn't blame Obama for the rented space. "She should be brought up on charges," said Della Femina, the Hamptons' resident right-wing lunatic. Suddenly he's anti-capitalism. Funny how that works.

[Hand raised]
-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, do you have a question?

HB: We do...um...did the people of Southampton honestly think the entire production, public relations, advertising and network team that runs the Kardashian TV franchise would just pack up their trailers and cameras and leave because they couldn't find a place to rent?

-Yes, Hamptonyte Blog, yes, they apparently did.

[Face palm]

SIDEBAR:

We don't watch any of the Kardashian shows, so could someone tell us if Kourtney has trouble walking or something? Why is it that every picture of the two girls in the Hamptons shows Khloe leading her sister around like a pet Orangutan?

Observe:

Note To Hipsters At Ruschmeyers: Drink Up Quick!

Credit: Trip Advisor

Why? According to this article in the New York Post, your favorite unwashed but actually privileged watering hole in Montauk is losing its liquor license tomorrow!

According to reports, the owner, Ed Scheetz, is fighting $7,500 worth of noise ordinance fines stemming from the late night revelry going on in the joint. If he doesn't pony up the cash by June 6, his license will be pulled.

Let's see that gives you 1 to 2 hours to ride your bikes there, minus roughly 30 minutes of beard grooming in the bathroom, minus 18 minutes of accumulated selfie time, less Tweets and Instagram posts. Yeah, about 7 to 8 hours of quality ironic drinking and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Also, fuck noise ordinances. Also, fuck Hamptons residents who fail to realize that if it was quiet out there, they'd be on welfare year-round.

Hamptons Architect Sentenced In Child Porn Case

Call him creepier than your average pedophile, which is quite an accomplishment. Jay Lockett Sears, the architect who reportedly designed homes in the Hamptons for Michael J. Fox and Clint Eastwood among others, was sentenced a few day ago for his nastly little child pornography photoshopping habit.

Photoshopping, you say? Yeah, apparently this creepster with a Mark Twain-Tom Wolfe-Santa Claus fetish vibe, was taking pictures of kids in public and then photoshopping himself and other adults into the harmless photo, making it, yeah...really not harmless anymore. Yick. This strikes us here at Hamptonyte as oddly creepier than a guy in a van with fists full of candy.

In either event, Sears was sentenced to six months house arrest and five years probation, according to the Associate Press.

Looks like the judge was on his own "Mission of Kindness." See what I did there? For background, check out this article by Erica Jackson at the Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch, back when there was an Erica Jackson at Westhampton-Hampton Bays Patch. Or any Patch for that matter. The best is the closing quote from Vincent Cinque, who had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Angel's Wings back in the 5th grade.

"When he came to talk to us back in elementary school, he was just plain creepy," he said.

Creepy? What gave it away? The all white suits? The wings? The Cheshire grin? The cane? The camera snapping away pictures of girls at beach parties? What shocked us here at Hamptonyte is that anyone could see this guy around and NOT think he's a pedophile.Yes, we're shocked by people's shock.

On the bright side, if you're looking for an architect in the Hamptons, we know one who'll be home every day until December.

The Last 24, Kardashian Style

So we are Jack's complete lack of surprise as far as the Kardashians filming a reality show in the Hamptons this summer, which is why we've been quiet about it. It will always baffle us how many people hate the Kardashian family, the brand, the KKK charm of their names, everything the Kardashians do or say or marry or fuck or shop for or rent out. Recent reports say that some realtors and homeowners wouldn't rent or represent the Kardashian girls when their producers were house-hunting for the show. Okay, so we all collectively agree they're wretched people and culturally reject them. Then why in Sam's friggin hell do they continue to have a successful show? If we hate them, why are we watching them? Why have they not fallen onto the ash heap of history?

One of life's mysteries. Anyhoo, for all the hate, there sure is some Twitter buzz already about these dopey broads. Dana Shaw for the win:

The Kardashians are at 75 Main. This is me in front of 75 Main. pic.twitter.com/Onn4XLaSS4
— Dana Shaw (@DanaShawPress) June 3, 2014

Chloe Foerster for the loss:

chloe > khloe - but her butt wins. pic.twitter.com/VSDb0gjFBs
— chloe foerster (@chloecoolchick) June 3, 2014

Ducking into doorways much? Not much, much too much.

Just met Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian 😳🙌 pic.twitter.com/ntfsxUCN6S
— natalie acosta (@natalie_acostaa) June 3, 2014

Natalie also wants us to know she shopped at DASH, the Kardashian's totally unscripted for real, just happened to be opening anyway and the producers showed up - storefront next to the Driver's Seat in Southampton.

And, finally, the predictable, I was skeptical of the Kardashians, but now they meet my approval nobody needs, Tweet:

Just stopped by Dash in Southampton and I liked some of items. #hamptons #nottrashy #Kardashians pic.twitter.com/aJqDYugf70
— Hamptons Mouthpiece (@HamptonsMPiece) June 2, 2014

Boy I can really feel the hate. Grow some, America!