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As if obnoxious behavior wasn't rewarded enough in the Hamptons, we stumble upon this ad in Craigslist: a casting call for Strong Island, a new reality show filming in the Hamptons this summer. How do we know it's going to be obnoxious? A cursory glance at the language in the ad:
"It's 2011. You've decided that this is your year.
If you are looking for fame, fortune and the opportunity of a lifetime then now is your chance."
And:
" If you think you can handle the other people in the house, the drama, the shots of patron, the long nights partying at the hottest clubs in Long Island and of course the endless days at the beach apply today."
The ad also says it's a reality show revolution, which we know it isn't. And for the record: if you wake up, go to the mirror, and say to yourself, "this is my year"...kill yourself. We recommend taking an electric shaver and pressing it hard against your wrist, for a slow death. Don't stop! Don't ever stop.
This isn't the first time a reality show decided to document how important everyone is out here. Many of you may still remember "Single in the Hamptons," which aired on the now-defunct Metro Channel from about 2000-2002. A precursor to "The Real Housewives of New York City," "NYC Prep," and "High Society," Single in the Hamptons was more of an Animal Planet-style documentary on the mating rituals of hustling, bustling, New York City know-it-all toolbags, and their victims. It wasn't a bad show, actually, although it was to that insidious and vapid Sex and the City franchise what Desperate Housewives was to The Real Housewives of Whereverthehell: its tragic and pathetic muse.
In either event, similar to the Real Housewives, the subjects would make that all-too-familiar summer weekend pilgrimage to the Mecca of their empty lives: the Hamptons. They'd have their existential crises between sipping martinis, and trying to pick up gold-digging skanks at Jet East by awkwardly mentioning how they took a helicopter to get out here. It was a cultural tour-de-force, a shrine to the money-grab of the dot.com era. Then Lizzie Grubman threw her truck into reverse and ran over the shrine. Also, 9/11 happened, and tragically one of the cast members of Single in the Hamptons actually perished in the collapse of the World Trade Center.
But the question for this upcoming bit of puke shouldn't be, what tragedy will befall the nation as a result, no, the question burning in our minds is: which brand of Hamptons tool will this show feature?
1. The Neptunes-going, muscle-bound, tribal tat, Axe body spray, Guido peckerhead cousins of Jersey Shore?
2. The o.m.d. watch-wearing, polo-playing, pink shirt-white slacks, overly tanned, name-dropping, self-important douchenozzles of the yacht club sort?
3. The beer-bloated, red-faced, red-headed, baseball cap-wearing, frat-boy, Boardy Barn jugheads you see forever pulled over by the side of Sunrise Highway by a state trooper?
A quick glance at their Facebook page inclines us to go with what should remain hidden behind Door #1, but time will tell. And to be honest...either way, the universe loses.
"It's 2011. You've decided that this is your year.
If you are looking for fame, fortune and the opportunity of a lifetime then now is your chance."
And:
" If you think you can handle the other people in the house, the drama, the shots of patron, the long nights partying at the hottest clubs in Long Island and of course the endless days at the beach apply today."
The ad also says it's a reality show revolution, which we know it isn't. And for the record: if you wake up, go to the mirror, and say to yourself, "this is my year"...kill yourself. We recommend taking an electric shaver and pressing it hard against your wrist, for a slow death. Don't stop! Don't ever stop.
This isn't the first time a reality show decided to document how important everyone is out here. Many of you may still remember "Single in the Hamptons," which aired on the now-defunct Metro Channel from about 2000-2002. A precursor to "The Real Housewives of New York City," "NYC Prep," and "High Society," Single in the Hamptons was more of an Animal Planet-style documentary on the mating rituals of hustling, bustling, New York City know-it-all toolbags, and their victims. It wasn't a bad show, actually, although it was to that insidious and vapid Sex and the City franchise what Desperate Housewives was to The Real Housewives of Whereverthehell: its tragic and pathetic muse.
In either event, similar to the Real Housewives, the subjects would make that all-too-familiar summer weekend pilgrimage to the Mecca of their empty lives: the Hamptons. They'd have their existential crises between sipping martinis, and trying to pick up gold-digging skanks at Jet East by awkwardly mentioning how they took a helicopter to get out here. It was a cultural tour-de-force, a shrine to the money-grab of the dot.com era. Then Lizzie Grubman threw her truck into reverse and ran over the shrine. Also, 9/11 happened, and tragically one of the cast members of Single in the Hamptons actually perished in the collapse of the World Trade Center.
But the question for this upcoming bit of puke shouldn't be, what tragedy will befall the nation as a result, no, the question burning in our minds is: which brand of Hamptons tool will this show feature?
1. The Neptunes-going, muscle-bound, tribal tat, Axe body spray, Guido peckerhead cousins of Jersey Shore?
2. The o.m.d. watch-wearing, polo-playing, pink shirt-white slacks, overly tanned, name-dropping, self-important douchenozzles of the yacht club sort?
3. The beer-bloated, red-faced, red-headed, baseball cap-wearing, frat-boy, Boardy Barn jugheads you see forever pulled over by the side of Sunrise Highway by a state trooper?
A quick glance at their Facebook page inclines us to go with what should remain hidden behind Door #1, but time will tell. And to be honest...either way, the universe loses.
This show will blow up just like Jersey Shore. I hope to be on it, and then I hope to walk into your office and show you my fat paycheck, now that should give you something to write about.
ReplyDeleteI can't even express my disappointment in what has become of the east end of long island. it's tragic.
ReplyDelete